Forest of trees

I heard someone share at a meeting recently that "In a forest of trees, I didn't recognize that I was a tree."  I clearly didn't have much of a grip on the things that were wrong with me, until I was able to stop the denial.  Before I came to Al-Anon, I could point out over and over what was wrong with the alcoholic.  I knew that she was the one who was making me unhappy.  I could not tell that there was anything wrong with me until the disease progressed.

And once alcoholism had me by the throat, I began to feel the stress, see the craziness, and figure out that something was very wrong with me.  I was out of control with anger, paralyzed by fear.  And that is what brought me to my first meeting. 

After working the steps in Al-Anon, I realized that I had been unhappy for a long time.  The unhappiness went way back, into childhood.  I did a lot of things to try to gloss over the pain of living around alcoholics.  I pretended to be happy.  I put on a brave face.  I did my best to persevere. I tried to gloss over the pain with work.  Finally, I was able to face my unhappiness and undergo some modicum of relief from my denial.  I felt what it was like to be a lone tree. 

Whereas my sole purpose in life was riveted on the alcoholics for so long, I was eventually able to refocus my attention where it needed to be: on me.  I began to find things that I enjoyed doing.  What a revelation to finally get a much needed reality check on denial.  

When I don't look at something that can and is affecting the quality and quantity of my life, then I am in denial.   When I avoid those "three fingers" of responsibility pointing back at me only in favor of aiming the other one out at someone else, I am in denial.  When I don't take appropriate action on something I need to take care of inside of me, that's denial.

As I have learned in meetings, I cannot run from this disease.  I have to stay rooted in my own truth, face whatever occurs, and yet be flexible enough to not break.  I am an individual who gets support now from others around me and know that I am not really alone anymore.