Saturday, November 20, 2010

Still small voice within

I finished up the exams for the two marine courses I was taking. The piloting exam took 12 hours to complete. The engine exam was one that I took on the spur of the moment last Wednesday.

I went against my usual precautionary nature, taking the exam early with several others at the urging of the Instructor. I know that I passed, but also got several wrong. Usually, I would study so as to get a perfect score. Strangely enough, I just wanted to be done with the course so that I would have this weekend free.

I don't know whether this change in attitude is good or not, but I feel elated to not have the millstone around my neck.

The large voice of the old me was saying to study and get a perfect score. The small voice within was saying for me to get it over with and not worry about perfection. I chose to listen to the voice that would bring me peace of mind.

At the district meeting today, I ended my term as GR for my home group. I am glad to have served but also glad to turn over this service to others. The large voice of the old me says, "Stick around and do something else at the administrative level." The small voice tells me that being involved in the administration of an organization will not enhance my serenity. I have done that kind of work in my career and inevitably ego and self-will come out.

I believe that the small voice within is that of my Higher Power. It is a voice that I have ignored for much of my life in favor of the booming ego telling me that I can handle all difficulties, that I am strong, and that I can make things better by sheer force of will.

I am glad to be able to let go of perfection, stop trying to solve all problems, and quit denying myself the things that bring me joy. That is a big revelation.



20 comments:

  1. Thank you Syd.

    A timely reminder for me.

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  2. you know syd...you gave me just what i needed. today...

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  3. As is so usual lately, Syd, I am working on the same things. To let go of that need to be the savior, the perfect one. I have far to go. Thank-you for this reminder of the fact that we are here to save ourselves and offer what we can. No more.

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  4. The small voice within I like the reference you made in this post.
    My ego and fear driven self drove me throughout my life. Learning to trust and turn it over has been challenging for me. I still want to let others know how to lead their lives and ignore my own self care.
    My small voice within tells me to let go and let Hp take the helm.

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  5. You listened to the right voices. Good lessons here. Now, if I can just stop trying to be the perfect student :)

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  6. Ah to let go of trying to be perfect! I am working on that - it is very hard. Great post!

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  7. Yes, the small voice that I've ignored for most of my life.

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  8. Letting go of perfectionism is so HUGE!! I wish I was there. I come and go and dip my toes into the water of allowing myself to just be what I am, which is very imperfect, and to let go of the goal of perfection. Thank you so much for sharing how you are choosing to let go of perfectionism and the thinking process that goes along with that. It helps to see how others are doing it.

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  9. I agree with you on the source of that small voice.

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  10. I like the small voice, big voice picture you painted. I'm gonna try to listen to the small voice more, or at least pray that I recognize it when I hear it. Thanks for pointing out the difference.

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  11. I have nothing to add to this piece of finally understood wisdom. WTG Syd.

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  12. Great reminder that small voices should be heard. Minority opinion is sometimes more important than majority (at least where the committee ..in my head..is concerned) and life is serene today, and your life will not reflect the score of a test but the scores of experiences that you have because you let the test be what it is and got on with living :)

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  13. Hmmmm, Syd - - - I see two major situations or topics in this blog: the first would be giving up the need to be perfect: no one really cares but the perfectionist. I was asked by my family physician some years ago, did I consider it important to be the patient of the valedictorian of the graduating class, or the patient of one who was last, but passed acceptably, and conducted his practice in the same manner? I had to really ponder that question; I never really cared where a doctor (medical physician) graduated in his clas - - - only that he was licensed and doing the right things for me and my physical needs. (Dang - didn't mean to be so wordy here!)

    I will try to be short on the next, because it is sweet and very important: that little voice in me is what I have learned to abide by now that I am in Al-Anon recovery. It has not failed me yet, since a quick inventory of any situation will provide me the directions. That would be - - - wait or get on with it - - - I am proud and happy that I have achieved an acceptable passage or solution to a problem!

    Congratulations on the tests; especially the one that you took 'on the fly.' You passed, and that's all that matters.

    Love and Hugs,
    Anonymous #1

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  14. booming ego vs. higher power, I like that. thanks syd.

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  15. I guess if you got a few wrong it is not the end of the word. If you were taking a test on how to perform brain surgery and got a few wrong...that would be another story entirely. LOL

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  16. I too, am trying to listen more carefully to my "small voice."

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  17. I love your blog and it has been strange to not see a post from you every day. I always thougth it was the expectations of others that kept me in turmoil but it was my own expectations that were too high. I am still uncomfortable not doing things perfectly. Even the program brings this out in me. HP is helping me to see that regardless I am good enough for him so I should be good enough for me.

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  18. The little heron in your picture seems to be contemplating if he sould listen to the little or the big voice ... I'll bet the choice will be the "still small voice within".

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  19. Sounds like you have grown wise and happy.

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  20. congrats on passing... I have entered the "final cramming" phase of my exam prep. My national and state exams are Wed the 1st of Dec. I am looking forward to relinquishing the millstone that drags me down as well!

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