Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Looking for the solution

I have caught up on quite a few blogs today.  Every one that I have read has felt sad to me.  People have written about loss of loved ones,  painful worries about the alcoholics and addicts in their lives,  trying to work through depression and expectations.   I feel overwhelmed with all that I have read. 

Generally, when I read what you have written,  I am looking for the solution.  I know what the problems are because I have had them, lived them, and see them all around me.  But the solution is the elusive thing that I seek.  I grasp it like a life ring on some days.  I know what to do, yet there are times, like tonight, that I simply feel less sure about myself and those I love. 

This may be the post Christmas let down.  I know that all the lights and nice decorations will be taken down this weekend.  The house returns to a less glittery state.  There won't be any candles in the windows and no smell of evergreen inside.  The mantles will be undressed of their fruits and boughs of holly.  It reminds me of a fine lady taking off her jewels and party dress to put on a robe with slippers. 
And the buildup to New Year's does nothing for me. I am not a fan of New Year's eve events.  I've never understood the excitement of ringing in a New Year.  It all seems too filled with expectations of great things, promises made, and lots of festivities about a whole year that has yet to reveal one day to me.  I really didn't see anything terribly wrong with the year that is about to be history.

In fact, looking back on the old year that most are so happy to be rid of,  I see that it has had its moments of good times, bad times, sad times, and joyous times just like every year I can remember.  I lost friends, made friends, loved people, disliked those same people I loved, and dealt with each day by trying to find a positive solution to whatever baffled me.

So tonight I am using gratitude to get out of this sad state of mind.  I have had a good day: went to the boat, later took a long nap in front of the fire, and woke up in time to fix a little dinner for us.  I have much to be grateful for.  I could list a hundred things that are wonderful.  So tonight before I sleep, I am going to thank the God of my understanding for allowing me to come this far today and ask for guidance for tomorrow, to do God's will whatever that may be.  I will pray the Serenity Prayer and lie next to the one I love. 

And maybe tomorrow this sad mood will be lifted.  Regardless, I will let the feelings flow through me, knowing that sadness is just as much a part of the mind scape as joy. 


  1. Well, perhaps there is something good in dreading Christmas- once it's over, my mood lifts.
    Ah, Syd. I hope that tomorrow brings you some sweetness, some joy. And that you can feel it.
    You are a wise man. You are dear.

  2. We took our decorations down today. It is amazing how empty the house looks now, just like every year.

    I don't feel the post Christmas let down, though. I am happy to have it gone now even though it is time to deal with all the things that get put "on hold" until after the holidays.

    Sorry that you feel so sad tonight. I hope your mood lifts for tomorrow. Your writing is always so poignant, your words so wise. I enjoy your perspective on life.

  3. i hear you man...this is a tought itme of year for many people...i have felt it in my writing as well...a sadness...not a big fan of new years as well...

  4. Lots of things affect mood; sugar, insomnia, and the anti climax of Christmas, we wonder where is all that pre Christmas joy. Ha. It is still here, just back in the box or the closet or attic. Not decorations, the spirit of joy and sharing and giving and caring. For me, I am not interested in New Year parties or staying up to see the clock change to a new year. I need my rest and I make sure I get it. So I can spread some joy in the new year!

  5. This can be a tough time of the year for so many. I on the other hand are celebrating the fact that I am no longer depressed and that I am going into 2011 in an awesome mood and feeling great. I don't celebrate the new year really either. I don't stay up. I just go to bed and in the morning change calendars around. It's just another day, but this new marks something special for me in that it will be a new start to a new year that will leave this horrible 2010 behind. Not all of it was bad, but I had 6 hospital admissions, I spend six months battling my ED and I had severe depression and anxiety most of the year. With all of that past me and going back to work after two months on tuesday, I am pumped. I am excited. I can't wait for life to go back to normal and in a really good frame of mind. I am sorry you are sad and I hope some of my happiness rubs off, because I really want it to. 2011 will be an awesome year - say it with me 10 times :-)

  6. Syd, you make even the sad moments sound beautiful in your acceptance of them, knowing this too shall pass. I especially like what you do to comfort and take care of yourself in the meantime--the nap by the fire, making an abundant gratitude list, connecting with your HP. Oddly enough, I felt down, very tired and out of sorts the past few days attributing it to post-holiday letdown, only to find I was actually sick when my malaise culminated in a lowgrade fever. But even then I noticed the recovery tools I used to cope with what I thought was depression worked just as well for being ill. I got through it and today I feel like a new person, energized, grateful and looking forward to what the New Year will hold for us.

  7. You are really wise. Wise enough to know to let the sadness flow through you.

    How nice! To fall asleep in front of a fire. I can't keep from turning my AC on. ;)

  8. your post reminded me of this... "Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go." ..that i read on fb. i kinda like the sentiment, although i too don't understand the desperate need that is out there to party party party into the new year either.

  9. I've always felt the same as you about New Year's Eve. No big deal. I usually sleep through it all. LOL

    My blog wasn't sad yesterday, I don't think.

  10. Syd...for me there is no day unlike any other. A (thus far) endless progression of time moving. I am calendar challenged in that I celebrate no holidays and rarely get whimsical over anything.

    This attitude more than anything else has saved my sanity. Not to mention I don't have any decorations or lights to bother taking down because none are by mutual agreement between the old lady and me are put up.

    There is enough dysfunction in the world on a day to day basis without adding seasonal disorder to it.

  11. if not for the sadness we wouldn't recognize the joy, it would all be the same. I am not a big fan of New Year's Eve either....

  12. So true, sometimes the reflection is sad sometimes joyful, at all times I find that I'm somehow assured as I continue in this journey with all of you, that it will even out and the road will bring more peace and joy as I continue the trudge in gratitude of what is.

  13. The holiday season is rough for so many. BUT, the good news is that rough is not always bad. We learn so much from our rough seasons, from falling into expectations and then seeing where we are at and finding our way back out again. The act of seeing, recognizing, and finding a new way is very all is not lost in those times of struggle.
    Hoping you feel more joy in the next day or so Syd.

  14. I so agree with you about the New Year celebrations.
    Never was a fan of large crowds ...
    This too shall pass and the New Year will be ringing it's own bell of welcome without any help from anyone.
    The days will get longer soon and the nights will become shorter.

  15. Happy New Year Syd! It's a time of year when what has happened needs to be reconciled and what lies ahead should be looked upon with wonder. I'm not a fan of New Years, too many bad ones to count, so doing what I should have done in the past: given gratitude to God and spent a quiet evening with loved ones. Have a great time on the boat and your sadness will lift....

  16. Ah Sweet Syd! I have no comment - wise or other-wise - to say about your blog, except that it was very very poignant, and not so sad, but a bit filled with pathos which changes.

    Happy New Year whatever you do when that magic time arrives.

    Anonymous #1

  17. I've had some difficulties lately but I hope they haven't brought you down, Syd... I also try to put myself in the solution without being Pollyannish. My Al-Anon sponsor is fond of saying, "This is not a Pollyannish program."

    I also LOVE Sargent's Madame X. Saw her at the Met a few years back; in addition, also was privileged to have a private viewing of his watercolors, and Homer's. God. What a gift. ... Thanks for the many beautiful photos of your home and your Southern land... much love and wishes for a healthy and happy 2011... G

  18. You are a beautiful writer and a thoughtful man. I always appreciate your comments on my blog.

    Gratitude and positive action are the best ways that I have found to deal with sadness. We leave the decorations up till Martin Luther King Day! By then, we are ready to let them go without the nostalgia.

  19. I understand what you say about the saddnes and wanting to help those in despair. I have a blog and sometimes when I read the comments I just want to reach out and help the people responding. The truth is blogs like ours DO help people. Just writing our thoughts and feelings helps everyone who reads it. I hope you have a peaceful 2011.


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