Bear with me today as I feel as if I have taken several steps backwards in recovery and have lost my serenity. I am in full HALT mode. Here are some of the things that contributed to a feeling of anxiety this morning.
1. My father-in-law is in intensive care. He was taken there yesterday morning. My mother-in-law is leaning on me heavily to care take of her and him. I am feeling overwhelmed.
2. My relationship with a good friend is strained because he is telling me what to do on my boat. He has also asked to borrow money because he has not worked in a year. I am feeling resentful.
3. I feel as if others expect me to take responsibility for their problems because that is what I have always done. I realize that carrying their burdens is weighing me down.
4. One of my Al-Anon meetings may suffer the consequences of the bad behavior by a group of AA's who, in spite of dire warnings by the church and neighbors, persist in exhibiting barroom behavior after their meeting.
5. I am exhausted from staying up too late and getting up too early. Late evening is the only time lately that I have felt that I have any time to myself.
Because recovery tells me to focus on solutions and not problems here is what I am going to do. I realize that the day may have started badly but it doesn't have to end that way.
1. I choose to take time to focus on gratitude and those things that are good about today. I can wallow in some self-pity for a few minutes but not adopt it as my thinking for the day. I am in good health and not elderly and in need of assistance. I know that both my wife and FIL are getting better. They will be okay and their health will improve. My MIL is simply fearful about the loss of her husband of 50+ years. I can reassure and help her without having to care take.
2. I can set boundaries with my friend and stick to them. I don't need to fear the loss of friendship because if I truly believe in turning my will and life over to a Higher Power , then all will be okay. I realize that my friend is not my HP. He has to find his own way as each of us do.
3. When I feel overwhelmed with responsibility, then I need to consider taking first things first. I can do those things that are necessary and not what others expect me to do to fulfill their needs. I don't have to do for others what they can so for themselves. Learning to say No is valuable and doesn't diminish who I am. If I need assistance, I can ask friends to help me out. Asking for what I need also doesn't diminish who I am.
4. Al-Anon will be okay and if there is a problem with our staying at the location, we can ask to meet with the rector and choose a different time for our meeting when it does not coincide with AA. I do not have to solve this problem for others.
5. I can find some other time in the day to meditate and have solitude. I can set a reasonable time to go to bed and to get up. I don't have to try to cram so much into a day. Easy does it.
Whew. I feel better for having written this. I met with a sponsee this morning which also helped. I realize that I can focus on the solution and get to a good place.