Something I have been learning to do in the last couple of years is to think about what I want to say, and then to decide if it is important for me to say it. I am responsible to take care of myself by speaking my truth. I am also responsible for how I say what I say. I have to decide if I have to say it for myself, and allow the other person to do or not do whatever they are going to do. I realize that nothing I say will make another do what I think they "should" do. It is the T.H.I.N.K. acronym--is what I am saying thoughtful, helpful, intelligent, necessary and kind.
For me, my true motives may be unclear in the heat of the moment. I still have a tendency to want to do things that are unhealthy for my emotional well being. I used to stick around for unacceptable situations simply because I didn't think that I deserved any better. Now, I do know that I can sort out my thinking in time, so that I realize what my motives were at the time I opened my mouth or made a bad decision. It has helped me to not react until I have asked myself what my underlying feelings are at the moment. I have done so many things just to please another or because I was afraid of a negative reaction. I let fear dictate my actions--fear of loss, of abandonment, of worthlessness.
After a few years in Al-Anon, I can ask myself what my motives are and use prayer, meditation, the steps and traditions, and my sponsor to check whether I am in "right" thinking. When I find myself with an especially strong urge to do or have something, its particularly important to check my motives to find out what I really want.
Let it be your constant method to look into the design of people's actions, and see what they would be at, as often as it is practicable; and to make this custom the more significant, practice it first upon yourself.Marcus Aurelius