Something I have been learning to do in the last couple of years is to think about what I want to say, and then to decide if it is important for me to say it. I am responsible to take care of myself by speaking my truth. I am also responsible for how I say what I say. I have to decide if I have to say it for myself, and allow the other person to do or not do whatever they are going to do. I realize that nothing I say will make another do what I think they "should" do. It is the T.H.I.N.K. acronym--is what I am saying thoughtful, helpful, intelligent, necessary and kind.
For me, my true motives may be unclear in the heat of the moment. I still have a tendency to want to do things that are unhealthy for my emotional well being. I used to stick around for unacceptable situations simply because I didn't think that I deserved any better. Now, I do know that I can sort out my thinking in time, so that I realize what my motives were at the time I opened my mouth or made a bad decision. It has helped me to not react until I have asked myself what my underlying feelings are at the moment. I have done so many things just to please another or because I was afraid of a negative reaction. I let fear dictate my actions--fear of loss, of abandonment, of worthlessness.
After a few years in Al-Anon, I can ask myself what my motives are and use prayer, meditation, the steps and traditions, and my sponsor to check whether I am in "right" thinking. When I find myself with an especially strong urge to do or have something, its particularly important to check my motives to find out what I really want.
Let it be your constant method to look into the design of people's actions, and see what they would be at, as often as it is practicable; and to make this custom the more significant, practice it first upon yourself.Marcus Aurelius
I agree and I love the quote, ... "practice it first upon yourself".
ReplyDeleteNot every action is going to have a motive, or a preconceived idea of an outcome. Sometime we just do without thought. That is not always a road to a bad outcome. I could not see thinking about every word or move I make before I say or make it. I personally would be forever in stasis.
ReplyDeleteI always have to think about this. The Dr. Phil question, "Do I want to be happy or do I want to be right?" I used to want to be right. Now I'm older, more tired, older... and I want to be happy. I check my motives and pick my battles.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I AM forever in stasis.
ReplyDeleteA very dear Al-Anon friend once passed on this very wise saying...
ReplyDelete"so..say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean "
I try but sometimes it's easier said than done!
Thank you, Syd, for your wonderful blog. I read it every day.
This was one of first, and most helpful lessons I received from my first sponsor. It helps me to decide if I am able to let go of saying, what doesn't need to be said.
ReplyDeleteThis is helping me to decide about something I am wondering if I need to say to someone.
ReplyDeleteThank-you, as always, Syd.
Wise words here, Syd.
ReplyDeleteLove to you,
SB
I like the emphasis on motivations. I used to be so very blind to those, and my anger would carry me far from my hoped for destination. Until I realized what my intentions were.... I got into so much trouble.
ReplyDeleteMy qualifying person is my mother, who functions like a dry drunk. My husband would sometimes advise me to ask what my mom's intentions were. But I knew that, even more than me, she acted largely out of unconscious motivations.
So, I have learned to turn the question on me. What, Smitty, are YOU wanting from this situation? For after all, I am the only one whose heart I can divine, and the only one who I know is willing to go to any length for inner peace..
I haven't said hello in a while...just wanted you to know that I learn a lot reading your posts!
ReplyDeleteStill love each reflection of this beautiful program! :) Thanks Syd!
ReplyDeleteI love the focus on motive because I find it one of the best ways to tell if I am on the right foot. I have saved myself a lot of pain and harm by making sure my heart is in the right place before I speak, and retreating and conferring when my motives are not clear or else I can tell I have a desire to punish. great post syd as such an important aspect of good communication in my opinion.. :) So happy that you and C have found a better way :)
ReplyDelete"I let fear dictate my actions--fear of loss, of abandonment, of worthlessness."
ReplyDeleteOh, yeah. This.
Always and with most everything, this.
I made a futile attempt to examine my motives, but I was spinning in the wrong direction without the help of an Al-Anon elder to point me in the right direction. Thanks for posting this.
Yes, thank you for this. I have a problem with determining my motivations as it gets like peeling an onion, and I get so confused I end up never doing anything.
ReplyDelete