I just returned from the hospital, taking the evening visitation time. The old man is weak and looks startlingly like a baby bird. But he perked up when I was there and drank some ginger ale and took his pills. The nurses were amazed that he had perked up so much just with this visit.
He has elevated ammonia in the blood due to having malaria and hepatitis when he was in the Pacific on a naval ship. I don't know why it is manifesting now, other than probably there is a strain on his body and things are just out of whack. That isn't a very scientific explanation, but it is all that I have forthcoming at the moment.
At the moment, I am tired but feel okay. I hope that he will turn the corner, but once again I realize that turning the corner at 90 is not quite the same as when a person is 35. Today, I went to four assisted living facilities to gather information. I could see how eager the residents were to talk to me, a fresh face. I felt a lot of sadness, yet I realize that many of them are indeed happy and feel safe in these facilities. It is not so hard to imagine myself here in a few more decades. But I don't want to think about that this evening. That sends me into a self-pitying state and brings up all kind of abandonment stuff.
I am really too weary to write much else. Tomorrow could be a good day or a bad one. I am going to be optimistic and hope for a good day for all concerned. The vegetables are coming in, there was some rain, and I got to spend a few hours on the boat. There is still much to be grateful for. As the young lady who shared her story last night said, "I have lost a lot of things in recovery: my marriage, my house, my job, most of my things, but I have gained so much more. I am truly happy for the first time in years. And that is priceless."
I hope you have a good day, Syd. I hate to think of living in an assisted living home too, actually would prefer I never have to! But if it means having more time with loved ones I suppose it would be worth it.
ReplyDeleteso glad your visit had a good effect. i was amazed at how my presence affected my dad when he was sick or dying. I was the only person who could see through the other siblings and had some insight to offer to him. because I was comfortable, he could feel comfortable in my presence. It is a great joy and blessing to be able to light up other peoples wellbeing by simply showing up, and trying to do the next right thing. I am glad he has the benefit of a person like you to visit him when he is so vulnerable. Thanks for sharing this Syd.
ReplyDeleteWow, I was going to write a post about going to nursing homes for my work (but got sidetracked yesterday). I went to around 30 homes a week in my large service area for 9 years. I got to know every nursing home, and even some of the residents. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say you saw yourself in their faces. I used those very words when I told my husband I had to quit that job. The sadness and hopelessness became too much for me. Also the disparity of care I saw for people who were private pay as opposed to those who were Medicare/Medicaid began to weigh on my conscience.
ReplyDeleteNot everyone recognizes these things in one day visits. You are a special person Syd.
hope today is a good day syd...and that you got some rest...good on you for looking into the facilities....
ReplyDeleteOur lives seem to be paralleling a bit so i take great comfort is seeing how you are balancing the stress with lots of care-taking of yourself. We are just trying to be prepared for that phone call that is coming. It is hard when folks don't want to talk or plan with their loved ones. We tried and finally let go. You have a boat and I have 10 dogs with separation anxiety and behavioral issues. Whatever it takes... :-D
ReplyDeleteNamaste
A bad day in the Low Country is still a good day. The sun and water buoy the spirit. We lost 4 parents in 24 months. The experience of caring for them will help care for yourself. I learneed what I can not control and what I can.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping for a good day for you as well, Syd. You have a lot on your shoulders.
ReplyDeleteIf your in-laws are like my mother, the relief of finally being able to just...live in the care of others might actually turn out to be the very best thing. As you have noted about your own mother...
ReplyDeleteI hope for the best. Whatever that is.
Rest my friend. And good luck in the search. It's a tough tough decision you are making.
ReplyDeleteSyd to be blunt...You will have the day you perceive. if your perception runs to the positive today then you will see the good and beauty of it. and vice versa.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why Syd but life at our age is only the struggle we make it out to be.
Syd,
ReplyDeleteHope the Dads will be okay. I am thinking of you and C.
Love,
SB
I am afraid of being in a nursing home when I am older, too. I think the ideal is having a private duty nurse in your own house - but I doubt I would ever be able to afford one. Although you never know. Even beyond that ideal, I would hope I live forever and never need any nursing. My grandfather had to go to a nursing home - I don't remember it much, I was little. My grandmother is like 91 and still lives alone and travels around the country and sometimes overseas. It's kind of amazing. I hope she can keep doing it. And I hope things go well for you guys.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in university one of my jobs was an aid at a nursing home. I had to quit the second month it was beginning to turn my life into a downward spiral.
ReplyDeleteI am hoping nursing care homes have changed from thirty years ago.
I am grateful for the tools of the program and keeping it in the moment. Today I have a tool chest and aids full of experience strength and hope.
Syd, you know it won't go on for much longer. At 90 and in poor health....it won't be long. I look at my mom right now and i think that. I can do this, because I know its not going to be forever. I don't' want to look back once she is gone and have regrets...although I am sure I will, because that is just me! lol There are rich lessons to be learned in walking with our loved ones at the end of their lives. It is tiring and it is hard to see the value while in the middle of it....but I do know it to be true with every fiber of my being. You are a wonderful son-in-law.
ReplyDeleteWell..boy can I relate here Syd...I can still recall touring all those care centers for my mom a couple years ago like it was yesterday.
ReplyDeleteI felt much to young at 36 to be having to look for a "home" for my then 66 year old mom...& I did it mostly by myself...talk about character building!!
It requires a special kind of compassion to care for the frail elderly...I admire those who work with my mom & others like her so much!!!
Gods Grace is palpable during those times where I can clearly see how much difference my love & caring attention makes..
God bless you as you navigate this struggle ..His grace will find a way!
I feel your weariness Syd, I know you'll take the time you need to care for yourself too! You are an inspiration in the areas of balance and trust :)
ReplyDeleteHang in there my friend, you're fighting the good fight and sometimes that just takes a lot out of us.
ReplyDeleteBe well!
As I am sure you know by now after your research there is quite a large difference between an Assisted Living Facility and a Skilled Nursing Home. As a therapist I have worked in both. As I edge closer to retirement, aging isn't as ominous for me as it seems to be for other people. Perhaps because I have seen how happy individuals who choose an ALF really are. For many it is the transition between home and an SNF. To be frank, I have never spoken to and individual in an ALF who was unhappy. Many of them wish they had done it sooner. Unfortunately, this is not so true with a SNF. I would surmise it is because by the time most individuals need skilled nursing care they have very serious medical complications and many have "just given up".
ReplyDelete