Saturday, June 25, 2011

Shattered pieces




After talking it out, all the family issues are being resolved for the moment. Two aides are covering 24 hours to be with my mother-in-law. My father-in-law is improving and will likely be discharged early next week. And I went around to some assisted living facilities to get information just in case they want to move in that direction. Those decisions will be up to them.

I went to a speaker meeting tonight that brought home to me once again how similar part of my story is to that of many alcoholics. The part about not feeling good enough and not fitting in, yet desperately wanting to, is also my story. I also was offered a glass of wine when I was around ten years old. I drank it and felt lightheaded but no feeling of wanting more came over me.

When I consider the genetic likelihood that I could have been alcoholic, it is truly a miracle that I am not. My path diverged from that of the alcoholic in that I did not drink to avoid the fears and feelings. Instead, I stuffed my anger, put on a brave face and covered up feelings. I looked for love in other wounded people, thinking that if someone was worse off than me, perhaps I would feel better and be loved.

It is another miracle that those I wanted to love me did indeed love me, even though the path wasn't always straight or the actions conventional. It wasn't until the image of myself that had been concocted was shattered into many splintered pieces that I began to become whole again.

And through my inventory (step four) and admitting the exact nature of my wrongs (step five), I was able to cobble together who I really was. That was another miracle of recovery. And there are many more miracles who walk into the rooms of Al-Anon and AA every day.

14 comments:

  1. Happy to hear about the in-laws. That is good news.

    As I read this morning's post, the phrase "There but for the grace of God goes I." came to mind.

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  2. we are similar in that regard...

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  3. Good analysis. I didn't fit in as a kid, because I looked different than everyone in my life (red hair/freckles.) No tribal connections. When drugs let me fit in on a tribal level, I ignored the downside. When relationships fit my addictive patterns, they were doomed. Recovery gave me the opportunity to accept myself as my own tribe and break that cycle. Then TechnoBabe appeared. :-)

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  4. Oh yeah, do I understand when you say it is a miracle you did not end up an alcoholic. Amen to that.

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  5. Glad the in law issue got worked out. It's a tough situation because they are set in their ways.

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  6. "When I consider the genetic likelihood that I could have been alcoholic, it is truly a miracle that I am not. My path diverged from that of the alcoholic in that I did not drink to avoid the fears and feelings. Instead, I stuffed my anger, put on a brave face and covered up feelings. I looked for love in other wounded people, thinking that if someone was worse off than me, perhaps I would feel better and be loved."

    This piece right here resonated with me. It has helped me understand a certain individual in my life; one who has puzzled me for years.

    Once again, Syd, thank you for sharing. I needed it.

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  7. I can remember using a similar phrase "shattered into a million pieces" and that's the way it felt, as if someone hit the sweet spot and I was gone, all that was left were the pieces on the floor.

    Thanks to Al Anon, I'm putting the pieces back together.

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  8. You made your path and you made it well.

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  9. We are alike Syd, in our defects of character and in our miracle of recovery.

    I'm glad that things have taken a turn for the peaceful with your family.

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  10. My mother-in-law has Stage 3 Alzheimers and her husband refuses to get help. He doesn't want to spend the money. He is now having brain surgery in two weeks. It is so helpful to read your experience. I will be heading to Florida for two weeks to help while he is in rehab. I am packing my tools. One day at a time. Prayers for you, C., her mom and dad, us and our parents.

    Namaste

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  11. Amen. I see the miracles daily and they never fail to amaze me.
    The sober life is a wondrous gift.

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  12. Glad to hear about in-laws and sending you positive thoughts. Your post is so honest and forthright, and very true, it's amazing how before AA I would try and hustle for approval, it never worked and I ended up only wounding myself...and then others...great post...honest and compassionate.

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  13. Syd I am so glad that coverage could be arranged for the in-laws. It is a tough situation. Prayers to you all.

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  14. I am so glad there is help. Thanks hp.

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