Shattered pieces

After talking it out, all the family issues are being resolved for the moment. Two aides are covering 24 hours to be with my mother-in-law. My father-in-law is improving and will likely be discharged early next week. And I went around to some assisted living facilities to get information just in case they want to move in that direction. Those decisions will be up to them.

I went to a speaker meeting tonight that brought home to me once again how similar part of my story is to that of many alcoholics. The part about not feeling good enough and not fitting in, yet desperately wanting to, is also my story. I also was offered a glass of wine when I was around ten years old. I drank it and felt lightheaded but no feeling of wanting more came over me.

When I consider the genetic likelihood that I could have been alcoholic, it is truly a miracle that I am not. My path diverged from that of the alcoholic in that I did not drink to avoid the fears and feelings. Instead, I stuffed my anger, put on a brave face and covered up feelings. I looked for love in other wounded people, thinking that if someone was worse off than me, perhaps I would feel better and be loved.

It is another miracle that those I wanted to love me did indeed love me, even though the path wasn't always straight or the actions conventional. It wasn't until the image of myself that had been concocted was shattered into many splintered pieces that I began to become whole again.

And through my inventory (step four) and admitting the exact nature of my wrongs (step five), I was able to cobble together who I really was. That was another miracle of recovery. And there are many more miracles who walk into the rooms of Al-Anon and AA every day.