Getting back up

Tonight's meeting was a good one.  A relative newcomer had the topic which was actually a question: How do you get back up when you keep getting knocked down?  There are some days when it is hard to see any sanity amidst the insanity of alcoholism.  The knock downs of the spirit come over and over, we reel in fear and uncertainty,  until a person is eventually sent to their knees.

Getting knocked down over and over will either cause a person to give up or eventually cause so much pain that they stand up and decide that something has to change.  Each person will decide to either live in the problem from now until death or make a decision to seek a solution that leads to a new life.  It is truly our choice.

I think that I was tired of making the effort to pretend any more.  It was very lonely living a lie.  Alcoholism creates a sense of isolation that is pervasive.  There was no one to talk to about what was happening in our home.  The therapists I saw didn't acknowledge the impact the disease had on me. I couldn't talk to colleagues.  The only close friend that I had confided in, decided that he didn't want to be friends anymore.  It was too hard to take that the "perfect" couple weren't perfect. 

Eventually, there are few options left.  For me, the only option was to get away from the stress, drama and emptiness by leaving the relationship.  Just mentioning that was enough to send my wife straight to AA.  And I went to Al-Anon to try to save myself.  I was one of the lucky ones that decided something had to change.  I had no luck at changing the other person, so it was time to focus on me.  Everyday that is what I do: focus on my life, my recovery, my standing up in the face of any number of life's challenges.  

Tonight the newcomer had a simple list of his problems in the relationship with his alcoholic wife.  These were the things that he wrote down while sitting at his desk:

lonely
sad     
depressed
no resepct
no trust
fear                                                                   
wanting love
wanting to trust
wanting respect
memories
reality
no friends

And opposite these, he wrote: "Oh God, please help me."

It is a rough place to be--to realize that we truly are powerless over what others do.  Acknowledging this means choices have to be made.   So we either stay stuck and beaten down or we do something totally out of character--we begin to change because waiting around for the other person to do that or trying to force those changes doesn't appear to be working.  It is what got me back up on my feet--knowing that I had waited too long for something to happen with the other person.  It was time for me to take action for myself.  And what a difference that has made.