Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Unrealistic expectations

Some times I go to an Al-Anon meeting and I don't hear what I think I need to hear.   That happened to me last week.  I went to a meeting where one of the members was being critical and controlling.  It bothered me.  In fact,  I held onto the resentment for the better part of four days.  It was there over the weekend, turning over in my mind to diminish the otherwise happy holiday. 

And then last night,  I walked into a meeting in which I heard what I needed.  I didn't want to go to the meeting last night.  I was tired from the weekend.  I lay down on the bed and thought about taking a nap, yet I had the nagging feeling that I needed to get to the meeting.  So I threw on some pants and a shirt and went.

When I was walking to the door,  a lady that I know came up to me and said that she needed to hug me.  She started crying and said that her favorite brother had been taken off life support and was likely already dead.  Her tears and words made me realize that nothing is coincidental.  Sometimes I come to meetings with unrealistic expectations.  But if I come with my various needs and problems,  I can be assured that there will be someone there who will share words that will help me to get back on the right path, if I choose to listen.

My ego can block my ears and my heart.  I will instead spend time on judging and being critical, rather than focusing on compassion and acceptance.  Just because someone may not be doing things the way that I think they should be done, does not mean that I have to take their inventory and build a resentment.  It is easy to be critical and harsh.  That is what alcoholism has done to me.  It makes me want to isolate, blame others, and feed me lies about how I know more than others.

I know enough to realize that when I get in a critical and judgmental mindset then I have no spirituality going on.  I have nearly walked out of several meetings and actually did walk out of one.  I was mad at Al-Anon and mad at the stupid people in the meeting.  Thankfully, last night  I was able to get back on track with a good meeting on Step Seven.  I decided to close my eyes and "feel" the energy of the room.  I can tell you, I was a very different person than the one who showed up at that meeting.  I got what I needed and walked out with a lot of gratitude.

It is good for me to have a lesson in humility.  I have to let go of what I think things should look like and how I think things should go.  All I have to do is show up,  have willingness,  and an open mind.  I realize that the right people have been put in my path to help me to accept the hugs and have the experience of loving kindness.

17 comments:

  1. More and more I have come to realise how important kindness is in recovery. And everywhere else. I'm glad you had a good meeting and found balance again.

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  2. I know a few people who should read this post, but never will.
    At least I did.

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  3. sometimes my ego can block my ears and my heart...how true is that dude...

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  4. Ahh, expectations. Many times I'd go to meetings and hear what I was supposed to hear, but I wouldn't accept it. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.

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  5. It's like fishing. You don't always catch a fish, but that's just a bonus any way. Even if you don't catch one you are never sorry you went - except of course the time my buddy sat on a lure and I had to drive him to the ER buns up, but I know of no buns up Alanon meetings.

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  6. I think that's what Jung called "synchronicity" ...


    Hey I'm trying a new 12-step group called Dual Recovery Anonymous. Sounds way better than NA...

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  7. To me, it is exactly the same way in a marriage. Resentment for what my mind says is going on could cause a problem. Listening with all my ears open is how I feel when I am available to hear. It is good to read how you take the extra step by getting up and going to a meeting where you participate by showing up with no expectations.

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  8. You have certainly found the path for you.

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  9. "the stupid people at the meeting" make me upset also...LOL..I relate to this.

    Some meetings are a lesson in patience and learning to control my eye rolling.

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  10. Great reflection Syd! I'm taking this one to heart today!!! :)

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  11. I try to show up despite myself.
    My inner dialogue likes to keep me in the old groove..
    the addict wants to stay alive.
    Great post Syd thanks for your honesty.

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  12. The longer I'm in recovery, the less critical of others I become.

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  13. yep. ultimately life is the great teacher. always shows me when i am off beam. im glad the universe has opened up these reminders to tell me when I am ful of s*it as I see them as great gifts. imagine if the universe did not conspire to tell us what we need to hear when we are off beam? wow that would suck :(
    So im glad I get these reminders. I think they are a great gift, a great blessing granted to me ? perhaps because I do my lousy best to play the game when I am in better shape. Perhaps because I have cleared a channel by looking back through my resentments in step 5. who knows. all i know that the universe seems much more available to teach me. or perhaps I am more teachable. but whatever it is I LOVE those moments of clarity given to us at just the right time. :) Spooky arent they? They seem to happen much more to people who perform heart service. Meaning 'nothing more but a sincere desire to help' type of service.. I find the irritations in the rooms teach me a lot about my capacity to truly surrender to life on a moment to moment basis. i see my controlling tendencies very clearly so its interesting..
    Thanks for sharing.

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  14. hey syd, right place, right time, right?! just as i am right now, needed this... have a great weekend!

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  15. This past Wed. was my Home Group and the discussion leader (with 30 years sobriety) groused about going to a meeting filled with new comers and how they "didn't do it the AA way". He was angry about it until someone spoke up and mentioned that it's the responsibility of all of us, no matter how many years of sobriety, to teach and not criticize !!

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  16. This is genius, perfect:

    I know enough to realize that when I get in a critical and judgmental mindset then I have no spirituality going on.

    So well said, Syd. Have a wonderful weekend.

    Love,

    SB

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  17. this reminds me of that story in the Big Book by Dr Paul O about acceptance... the more we focus on the negative aspects of the meeting, the more it drags but the more we try to add something positive and the more we focus on the positive, the better the meeting gets.

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