Yesterday, it rained and was a good soaking rain. The garden is still yielding tomatoes and eggplants. I will get out there and weed this week. With the raised beds, it isn't as much of a chore as it would be with rows on the ground.
I went to an open AA meeting last night and Appendix II--Spiritual Experience from the Big Book was read and discussed. It is no coincidence that the Al-Anon meeting on Thursday was about having a spiritual awakening. I cannot remember reading Appendix II before. But reading "Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery" sure says it all.
I have been having a lot of dreams lately about my wife and my father. They are both drinking or drunk. I am looking for them and have to search and search until I find them in a bar. I have had these dreams before, and they are unsettling. I awake and shake off the feeling of the dream. But having these dreams night after night up until this weekend suggests anxiety in my subconscious.
And there are other dead relatives in these dreams as well. All sitting around or walking in and out of rooms. What are they trying to tell me? One morning I awoke and thought, "Is this the transition to death for me?". I don't think that it is, but such dreams are so real that they are unsettling. I remember my mother telling me a couple of days before she died suddenly about her dream of dancing with my father. Her dream was a happy dream, filling her with delight. These dreams of mine were not happy but filled with angst and seeking. I am glad that for now, my dreaming mind is free of them.
We are off to do some things about town. Maybe we will go to see a movie about the loggerhead turtle later. The day is ahead, and it appears to be full of promise. Hope that yours is also.
I still have this unsettling dream where I open the garage in the morning to leave for work, and a bunch of my neighbors are in the driveway. They are screaming at me to move because my family (read: son) is ruining everyone's housing values.
ReplyDeleteugh hope the dreams pass...are you worried about your wife or father? just wondering what might be bringing them...do give painting a try did it myself year ago after a long break and was much fun...
ReplyDeleteThe Appendix II in the Big Book is my very favorite part of the book and really saved me (and kept me in the program) when I needed it most. I love the part where it says we will find we have "tapped an inner resource".
ReplyDeleteAnd, of course the Spencer quote should be read by everyone:
"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot FAIL TO KEEP A MAN IN EVERLASTING IGNORANCE ... that principle is contempt prior to investigation".
I think we dream out our deepest fears. My dead dear ones come back in my dreams and it's never a happy thing. Brains. Who can understand them? Not me.
ReplyDeleteI love the new look of your blog.
ReplyDeleteYou should go back to painting. I have no talent for it, but I envy those who do.
Love you, Syd.
I wouldn't enjoy dreams like those, either. But, I don't think they are premonitions. I hope you pick up the brush and let some of the emotions out on the canvas. :)
ReplyDeleteIt is bad enough living with fear and dealing with things that make us nervous when we are awake; dealing with dreams on top of that is sometimes just too much. Sometimes I have a horrible dream and find myself upset in the morning so before I move on in my day I have to sit down and deal with it, get it out of my system.
ReplyDeleteThe art in the second photograph really grabs me. Something about the way they captured the essence of the sun over the water so well.
ReplyDeleteI watched a thing on PBS a while ago about dreams. Even with the most scientific explorations and data, they still didn't have much but hypotheses to tell us what is going on when we dream.
Funny things, our dreams and our brains. I hope your subconsciousness has since found some peace.
well I don;t think you are going anywhere just yet syd, but I can see why that thought might cross your mind.
ReplyDeletei like dreams. hmm.. thinking out loud..well perhaps it means that all those family people are 'hanging around' to be of help in whatever way they can. They offer their company and unspoken solidarity as opposed to answers or guidance. Perhaps they don't have the answers and don't know what to do, but just want to show up and let u know that they are 'around' and aware of your concerns. Just because someone is deceased doesn't mean they know the answers.
They are trying to be there for you and thats what counts.
Your father and wife. Well your father might well have the mental habitual tendencies associated with being a drunk and this might manifest as appearing as a drunk person, but it doesn't affect how he feels about you or how much he cares for you. Separating the alcoholic tenancies from the person, it is good that he shows up, even if not in the ideal form. He shows up as he is. he is doing his lousy best and that is god enough.
Perhaps they know that this has been a heavy year for you and so they want to remind you of their existence by appearing in dreams.
Your wife? well this is an old drama that has yet to work out of the system. Reminds me of the drinking dream thing. I don't know why they show up, but I know they can show up. I've had dreams about starting smoking or starting eating sugar too, so who knows why these dreams show up. perhaps just plain old anxiety? who knows.. but and interesting post so thanks for sharing :)