Tonight I went to my home group meeting. This little meeting is held out in the country and by water would be close to home. But driving distance is about 25 miles. It is a lovely drive though through country roads with trees forming a canopy overhead.
We talked about how none of us are experts in Al-Anon. There are people in the program who might think that they are, but it is a level playing field where no one sets themselves up to have the answers or give advice to others.
I remember my first meeting where I was told to leave my wife and divorce her. That sort of advice giving isn't supposed to happen but occasionally there will be a person who seems to have all the answers for every one else. I am glad that I chose not to listen to the advice, went with my gut feeling to weather the storm, and listened to others who said that making radical changes when first getting into recovery was not a particularly good idea.
What is it about us that makes us want to tell others what to do and to set ourselves up as experts on everything? Ego certainly comes into play. And that fear driven need to get attention and to be the one that others go to because their own fear is telling them that they can't make any decisions on their own. Alcoholism strips away self confidence. It tells us that we are lost and need someone to tell us what to do. And there are those who are more than willing to control and take charge.
I am glad that I now realize that I don't need to listen to the advice of others. I can listen to their experience, strength and hope which is their honest sharing about what worked for them. I am not an expert on alcoholism, recovery, or relationships. I listen to what others have to say, read a lot of recovery literature, and get a deeper understanding of myself through writing and working with others. I learn from so many people. And that fills me with a great sense of comfort.
the olny experts that I know of is God,The Father Jesus His Son and Satin.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya'. The "experts" are not just in Alanon..they are next door, at work, in your family, and ALL over the internet.
ReplyDeleteI cringe when people tell me that their sponsor told them to leave their spouse. I'm too afraid someone might actually take my advice so I never give marriage advice.
ReplyDeleteExperience, hope and strength. It's all I've ever sought inside the walls. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's only advice if it is asked for. Beyond that it is just another ass with an opinion.
ReplyDeletePeople want to share their experience. Hubby and I try to keep to a respectful boundary that we will not give the other advice unless we are asked for it. For me, when someone puts something on their blog post I take it that they are encouraging advice so they can hear different viewpoints. I don't get my feelings hurt if someone doesn't want to hear what I have to say; I do, however, want to hear what others add to a conversation in case there is something good for me to hear.
ReplyDeletei hear you i think on one level we want to help and the way that usually works is i fix it...so we translate that to people as well....
ReplyDeleteLearning comes from experience. Even if someone tells you what to do if you cannot relate it to a life experience or and experience with that person then the learning most likely will not be absorbed.
ReplyDeleteI have found that allowing people to "discover" the learning is far more effective that trying to be the "know it all."
Discovery is best done with questions, for others and of yourself.
Great, Great post, I was told by an old timer that "AA is not a hotbed of mental health and when you realize that the best decision that we made got us here in AA,well that should help you listen and who to listen to" Take what you need and leave the rest!
ReplyDeleteGreat post!!!
Beautifully said my friend. I gain a lot of insight and courage by listening to other's experience, strength, and hope. I like to share with those around me that they have the answers within themselves and through their relationship with their HP, keep coming back. :0)
ReplyDeleteWe all need to find our own way, at our own pace.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing about this, as I can really relate to the portion about unwanted advice.
ReplyDeleteI like thinking that the stronger I get the less unwanted advice will bother me because I will be strong enough to make my own decisions.
I don't know. I have always loved the expression, "Take what you want, and leave the rest." It allows for even those with strong opinions to contribute- but to give the choice as to whether their opinions should be acknowledged. A lot of us may have strong opinions because we needed to form really strong boundaries to survive. We assume that our boundaries are the same boundaries another person should follow to survive. The intention is oftentimes very caring- they want to help- but so often they are still healing and recovering from their own trauma. They escaped something terrible and are trying to pull others to shore kicking and screaming not necessarily acknowledging that perhaps the shore is not the only option- or the only shore. I've done this with my mother- who gets beaten and sexually exploited, isolated and robbed by her husband. It is not for a lack of love- it is a protective instinct gone absolutely wild because the situation is insane. We need compassion for every stage of recovery- even those who try to "help" are often healing themselves.
ReplyDeleteI used to want to be the one with all the advice and answers. Eventually, I learned that people are pretty much going to do what they want and it's none of my damn business anyway.
ReplyDeleteTake what you like and leave there rest. I'm taking a lot from this blog.
ReplyDeleteI often have people asking me for advice -- almost everyday it seems. I try to give them facts so that they can make an informed decision. I can't tell them to leave or stay. I can just tell them what to expect in each alternative. In the end the choice is for them to make.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great post! -- Linda
I know that I am passionate about how "my experience can benefit others" at times, mostly because I came, stayed, got sober and haven't had a drink since. But I am careful to remind myself that this is only my experience. Everyone has their own story, some may be similar, some not at all. I have to remember that all I can do is share my experience, and hope that it helps. When I remember this, my ego is sufficiently held in check.
ReplyDeleteMy Al-Anon sponsor has never told me what to do about anything. I've had some AA sponsors who have told me what to do, but I think this is because alcoholism is a deadly disease and they wanted to see me survive. And I think the best help comes when someone shares what happened TO THEM. But still, it's hard: a sponsee had an encounter with someone over whom she has drunk before, and she drank again the other day. It was hard for me not to say to her in advance, "Don't see this person. DO NOT SEE THIS PERSON." I mean, she's an adult. And what do I know? I'm trying to teach her how to get in touch with that "gut feeling" you talk about. In my experience that's where HP lives. I knew she would drink if she saw this person; I reminded her she's drunk over this person before, and that it could be dangerous. It's hard for me, as the child of an alcoholic family who used to take care of the adults all the time, to allow someone else to learn to take care of herself.
ReplyDelete