Wednesday, August 17, 2011
No one is perfect here
The instructor said he could see that some of us needed to get reacquainted with the plotting tool. And indeed, I wasn't the only one who was trying to remember how to orient it. I wanted to grab my parallel rules, but we are supposed to be using this more accurate device that isn't at all intuitive to me. So we were supposed to go home and practice with it, doing the exercise until we could use the tool quickly and proficiently.
So far, I haven't done any practicing because I spent most of the day taking my mother-in-law for a doctor's appointment and lab work. Then there were things to do when I got home at nearly 3 PM. I knew that today was going to be a full day. I wasn't feeling particularly jovial and found myself feeling exasperated and impatient. Even though I spent almost five hours with her, bought her lunch and some fried chicken for their dinner this evening, and visited for a while after I took her home, I still felt like I was a jerk.
Beating myself up used to be a regular thing. And that's why the first person on my amends list was me. I needed to forgive myself for all the guilt and harsh thoughts that I had about myself. I know intellectually that no one is perfect. I realize that nothing earth shattering is going to occur if I have to re-familiarize myself with something I haven't worked with for nine months. But it's my ego that brings up the voice inside my head that whispers, "You're not good enough." Those old messages are the ones that sneak back to break me down and send me into despair.
So I am writing this down here, "I am not perfect and can forgive myself for my humanness." It is a reminder that I will make mistakes, look foolish, fumble, and struggle. But I don't have to feel bad. I can forgive myself and let it go. And in making mistakes and admitting them, I align myself more with others. By being kind to myself, I can then be kinder to others.
Now I'm going to see if I can plot a course with the plotting tool!
Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with your hands. But like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them you will reach your destiny. ~Carl Schurz, 1859
Some of us, observing that ideals are rarely achieved, proceed to the error of considering them worthless. Such an error is greatly harmful. True North cannot be reached either, since it is an abstraction, but it is of enormous importance, as all the world's travelers can attest ~Steve Allen