Thursday, September 22, 2011

More will be revealed

I took my mother-in-law for her doctor's appointment today.  In the car, she began to tell me about the tests being done on her husband, who is still in hospital.  I have written here before that he has cirrhosis of the liver.  The doctors are doing a liver biopsy and some other tests as well.

I asked her if she thought alcohol was a factor in his liver disease.  And she opened up to talk to me as she has never done before.  She told me that my father-in-law would go on binges for days.  She said that she has been called every name in the book by him, been yelled at and belittled.  She also told me that her own father drank.  And she said that he did not want her to marry another man who drank.

All of this came as a huge "Ah-Ha" for me.  I could understand her anger over the years, her need for a perfect house,  her changeable moods.  It all made sense to me when I knew that she was a kindred soul--an adult child of an alcoholic who married an alcoholic.

I have been around my mother-in-law for all of my married life.  Yet, I never had this kind of conversation with her.  She kept her distress from her sister and from close friends.  And she kept it for all these years from me.  Now, I see her through different eyes.  I feel a level of compassion for her that I have for newcomers who arrive in pain.

She has persevered through a marriage of over 50 years, carrying around a secret that so many of us, who are affected by alcoholism, do.  She told me that the reason she stayed in the marriage was because of her daughter, my wife. And that decision no doubt had its ramifications for C.  Probably, what she isn't aware of, is that she stayed for other reasons as well--hoping to change the alcoholic,  fear of abandonment, economic fears, pride, and a host of other emotions that keep us bound in an emotional prison.

I shared with her about my father.  I didn't mention my wife as I won't break her anonymity, even to her own mother.  I told her that I don't know whether my dad was an alcoholic but that I also had a lot of unresolved emotions carried over from childhood.  And I told her that I have learned to detach from the belligerence of others by physically removing myself.  She said that she tunes out her husband's yelling as best she can.

How I wish that she could have gotten into Al-Anon.  The conversation we had  made us both feel better.  As she put it, "We now know something about each other that we didn't before." How very true.  More will be revealed.

Each of us has our own share of truth, waiting to reveal itself to us. Each of us has our own share of the light, waiting for us to stand in it, to claim it as ours. ~ Melody Beattie



23 comments:

  1. I was very touched by this post, and happy that at last you could have this conversation with C's mom. It's never too late, and I hope it brought her some peace to know she's not alone anymore with her secret.

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  2. That's fantastic Syd.
    God works in mysterious ways.

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  3. Such a revealing moment. Intergenerational patterns...

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  4. I'll bet her heart is lighter today. That's awesome Syd.

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  5. nice..sounds like a cool convo syd...hope more is revealed as you keep engaging in them...

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  6. So touching Syd. We never know who we will find a kindred soul in and sometimes it is someone that we LEAST expect.

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  7. That talk was a long time coming, but it arrived. And I was impressed that you honored C's anonymity with her mother. A door has opened between you and your mother-in-law.

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  8. When recovery is integrated into the whole person, its tentacles reach out in very unexpected ways. I am so glad you were able to let this woman express things she has probably never ever told another human being. Bless you Syd.

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  9. Oh bless her heart. And bless you for listening to her. What a gift you gave her Syd.

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  10. It's so great that you were able to connect and share experiences.

    Love you, buddy. Have a good weekend.

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  11. I have witnessed old timers come into the rooms trying to show up for their precious human lives even in the end! The program works in mysterious ways.
    Thanks for sharing this post.

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  12. What a blessed moment for you 2 to share. Thank you!

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  13. "I asked her if she thought alcohol was a factor..." That's where it started: your beautiful, wonderful account of seeing - after not seeing. Spirituality is like that all the time. I mean it's always a matter of not seeing and then seeing; not knowing and then knowing; sleeping and then waking. In my case, blindness and not knowing weren't always because I couldn't see, but because I looked through some lens of bias or I didn't look at all. How much have I missed? Thanks for the glimpse at this piece of recovery.

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  14. A very powerful and moving post, Syd. Our Higher Power works in mysteries ways.

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  15. A two way gift, I'd say. I hope you continue the conversation.

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  16. Everyone we meet is carrying a burden.

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  17. I hope to have a completely honest conversation with my mother some day.

    When she talks about the past, I wonder if we lived in the same house. Her version is so much happier than mine...

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  18. Syd, I am reading your posts for over a year, since I became an AlAnon member in March 2010. I filed for divorce in july 2010 and been divorced this Monday. Few people helped me through this difficult year, and you been one of them. Thank you.
    Anna

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  19. Wonderful post.
    Loved the bit about anonymity.. GREAT. Spot on.

    wow. loved it.
    I always tell Spees to treat their family like newcomers. bc It helped me to have compassion for them when they act strangely. Perhaps they are all from mixed-up alcoholic families? Who knows, but it is very impressive that she was able to sense that she could open up to you. Thats what I love about recovery, the invisible ? 'bat-signal' we put out that assures others they can disclose painful things to us.. Must have been a MASSIVE weight off her shoulders.. blesser.. Good for you Syd

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  20. I found this post both moving and sad. 50 years of an abusive marriage is dreadful to contemplate.
    It's a testament to your loving heart, that she was able to speak freely to you.

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  21. Beautiful, Syd. You really have come a long way from that kind of miffed guy you began this blog as.

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