Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Outside issues

Sitting at a green light waiting to make a left turn with oncoming cars. A horn honks behind me telling me to go. I am in no hurry to obey their request for a head on collision so I sit, waiting for the right time to move. They honk more, gesticulating to let me know they think I am an idiot. I grip the wheel, going my best to block out the horn and an image of myself opening the door to go quickly to their car, knock on the window and ask "WTF do you think you are doing?" Instead, the green left turn arrow comes on. Saved by the arrow and my own realization that wanting to have a confrontation over this silly drama is crazy.

In a meeting, I listen to an elder "statesman" tell a young man that he doesn't belong because he needs psychiatric help. The man sits with a pleading look, like a kid who has been publicly called out by a teacher in class. I wince at his distress and wonder why someone would want to dispense medical advice at a meeting.

I come in contact with people who are rude about their opinions. They stress to me that the problems with the country are due to one man who took office 3 years ago. They talk to me as if I would agree. I share my opinion and am immediately told how wrong I am. I feel as if I have been shut out.

I meet with a young man to work the steps. He tells me that we need to meet every other week because he is too busy. He has too much pressing stuff to get together. I listen and realize that it is not up to me to enforce the schedule.

All of these are real life situations that could easily get me going down a path of anger and resentment. I know that being confrontational is not a solution. And resentments simply seethe under the surface of my psyche until they build up to reach explosive proportions.

In meetings, there are outside issues that aren't addressed by Al- Anon. Religion, mental health problems, politics are examples of topics that Al-Anon has no opinion about (Tradition Ten).  Someone will generally get the topic back on track by stating that outside issues aren't addressed.  What is difficult for me to do is to embrace that ideal in my real life.

I have opinions on many things. Some of these opinions are strong. What I find is that I can express my opinion without being opinionated. I don't need to get my way or have everyone agree with my point. If I let others have their opinions without trying to change them, then I am not expending emotional energy that will deplete and defeat me.

I like the idea of participating in conversation. Having a dialogue is much better than trying to have my way or carry my point. I am working on this.  When I embrace the philosophy of "live and let live", I am a much happier person.  I can get along with others by accepting that they have a right to express their thoughts.  Restraint of tongue and pen is a good thing.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family. ~ George Carlin

Live and let live is a pretty good philosophy. If the guy in the next lane isn't buckled up, why not leave him alone? ~ Anonymous

19 comments:

  1. Thank-you for the Carlin quote. I love it.
    I stayed out of a discussion the other night that I had a STRONG opinion on because nothing I could say was going to sway the mind of the person who had brought up the subject. And I realized that. It felt...all right.

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  2. Sometimes I wonder if not stating my STRONG opinions is because I'm afraid of arguments/confrontations/making people angry or hurt. I find myself questioning when I should speak up.

    George Carlin had a great routine where he said his crap was stuff, and your stuff was crap. Really funny!

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  3. i too like the idea of a conversation over a confrontation...how easy though to let it slip...esp there in traffic or when someones expectations do not line up with our own...good post syd

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  4. I once had someone try to get me to drive over an uncontrolled (no gate)railway crossing with the bell loudly sounding, and signals flashing. She got out of her car and walked up to my window to tell me that "the train had already gone." I politely told her that I planned to wait until the signals stopped, and then I'd go. She went back to her car, and drove around me to get past and over the crossing, followed by several other cars. She had a "stong opinion," and was willing to die for it, although I'm sure she didn't think of it in those terms.

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  5. Opinions are like noses (or another anatomical part) and everybody has one. I got a $25 ticket for not having my seat belt on. I was pissed. It's tough when someone else knows what is BEST for me. Live and let live, Syd. :)

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  6. When someone disagrees with me I try to follow what it says in the Big Book and have them "...beaten into a state of reasonableness..."

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  7. Thanks for the post, Syd. I have observed that when I state my opinion and the other person doesn't agree, I often have the impulse to re-iterate my opinion. When I am able to stop myself, I can see that what I really want is for the other person to change their opinion. If that were to happen, then my opinion would be validated and I would have changed someone's mind. Payoff for me: I would get to feel smart, right, and powerful. AH HA! There it is: my Achilles heel AND evidence of my control problem in one fell swoop. So, I keep coming back....

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  8. I love the George Carlin quote. I saw him in concert when I was a kid. It explains a lot.

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  9. Once upon a time I did know everything and I had to let you know. I was also the most insecure person on the planet.

    Now I don't know anything and it doesn't bother me a bit. I am now secure in my ignorance and I can let you think what ever you want about me or anything else.

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  10. I live in a famous Golfing County and Ive never played the game nor want to. We have a few old timers who refer to their games whenever they share and we also have a nice older man who says "Watch out, Ginnie's going to yell...OUTSIDE ISSUE!" It usually brings a laugh but it also lets them know that they are out of line in a meeting !

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  11. Next time someone with "mental" health problems comes into a meeting, also tell them that the home for their 12-step work is in Emotions Anonymous.

    Surely there was a kinder way for the person to speak to the young man in need of psychiatric help. As a person who has had to work hard to be heard by those very professionals, I am so glad for my EA meeting.

    Even in our meetings, Psychiatry is also an outside issue, though we encourage people to use all the tools at their disposal, in a meeting we try to keep our opinions about the profession to ourselves... Shhh...

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  12. Wait, is golfing really an outside issue? Surely a good story-teller can wind that yarn around a program teaching?

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  13. I am appalled that someone thinks they have the right to tell anyone else whether they belong in Al-Anon or not. Period.

    I find being argumentative a waste of energy, and it definitely puts a strain on my serenity. However, I have found that because I refuse to get worked up over an issue, or state an opinion, when I know the other party is just itching for a fight and not discourse, people perceive me as 'not caring', being apathetic, or a pushover. Oh well.

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  14. Out here we have had to learn to talk through political and religious differences in a multicultural society because they can't be ignored -- and many workplaces run 'unlearning racism' workshops and assertiveness training courses for women and GBLT workers.

    For a long time AA here was divided along racial lines because it was against the law for black members to enter white areas and attend meetings. Many white members saw no need for integration and so we had to talk about how the country's political discrimination and legacy of apartheid was mirrored in the very structures and practices of AA.

    Civility, respect and an informed opinion are critical in such conversations.

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  15. I think the man who told the other one he doesn't belong is really out of line.

    But I have to remember that I don't want my tombstone to read:
    "She had the right of way."

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  16. I blogged about the same thing today because the topic at yesterday's meeting was anger. I've had to work hard on my own self-righteous outrage because it made life so painful. I'm grateful for the 12 and 12's discussion of step 10: "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong WITH US. ... Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. ... Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint."

    There is freedom in owning my own darkness, not yours. And learning to laugh about my foibles. Loved the quotes you chose!

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  17. Love the picture and the quotes, and I can relate to everything in between.

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  18. I think I am struggling with the stress particularly my middle sister is putting on me. I am moving out this weekend, and I think my oldest sister is just not showing up because I am not doing it on a weekend her manfriend works, so she can help me instead of hang with him. How rude of me. They are over 50 btw. The middle sister is in a frenzy because she had a youth group commitment, and will not chill out about not being here early to help me pack, but will be for the big stuff. Both of their attitudes is that I am being an ass for picking this weekend but they also want me out by Nov. 1 as agreed with my soon to be ex, cause they don't want him to have the satisfaction of me not keeping my word. It's like damned if I do or don't. It's like they want to raise hell and bitch about how they THINK I should do it, but I'm the hen here. It may not get done, it may not be perfect, but I am in general on my own, a single mom, work full time, with a toddler. I went on a trip with my sis, and we are both stressed and tired, but I was appalled about how frustrated she got in traffic and with how intense she was on it being a great trip. I guess my point is being in Al Anon and seeing the big picture, you look in a mirror and see things for how they really are. When you turn back and see people, particularly people you care about, act certain ways, it's almost in a way like ignorance was bliss. Now that I have all this knowledge, it makes it saner and more sense, but it's hard to watch in myself and others in a DIFFERENT way now. I guess, yah, I am a little more enlightened now. Okay, I said it. Something to be proud of. And I guess it's hard to be the laid back one, when it was always the middle (hippy) sister who was the chilled wise one. She also has the attitude that I should take everything but a roll of TP, even if I sell the stuff. REally, I don't want to deal with it. It's not worth it. I don't have TIME for a damn yard sale. Anyways, yes, if other people are in a tizzy, going around on their hamster wheel, we do not have to join them.

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  19. It's a real challenge and takes lots of work to live in the moment. Not sure where I read it but I try to say to myself "I can be right or I can be happy." How important is something that comes my way today, in the big picture. That thought also helps.

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.