Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Accepting what is

Today, for the first time in a few days, I am feeling light-hearted.  I don't want to use the word "happy" because what I feel is more like relief, gratitude, acceptance. And that has lifted the heavy weight from my heart and my head.

Not long after I posted yesterday morning, I learned that my father-in-law was back in the hospital and in an unresponsive state.  My wife and I spent the day yesterday by his side.  He is sleeping. All vitals are good, nothing on CT scans, but an infection is suspected, so he is being given some potent antibiotics.  He does move his legs a bit and his hands some, but mostly he is just sleeping.

C. insisted on staying with her dad last night.  I came home to take care of the animals.  We have talked a lot about death, spirituality, and grieving over the past couple of days.  We are both at peace with what is going on.  If he recovers, that will be good.  If he doesn't, then he has lived a full life, and we will say good bye.

I have felt closed in with self-imposed isolation over the past few days.  I shared about our beautiful old dog with a few close friends.  But I didn't want to talk about it to many.  The comfort that I got here felt like it was enough.  Funny that I don't know you in person, but you have enveloped me as a friend would.  That really means so much.

Sometime late last night, I felt a great peacefulness.  I realized that all of this has meaning, is part of something so much greater than me.  Again, it is a feeling of connectedness to the living and to the dead.  And that connectedness is so precious, so loving that words can't really capture it.  I feel as if I am back from a few days of being lost.



Celebrate endings - for they precede new beginnings.- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

25 comments:

  1. I'm glad you are alright, Syd. Changes are always challenging. You have a great big life, this is part of it. And...you are not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so sorry to hear the sad news about your beloved Stella. You often mentioned her in your posts - she sounded like the ideal companion. I hope that your father-in-law is comfortable and aware of the love that surrounds him. Thinking of you and C at this time.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I will pray for God's will to be merciful for your fil. And, I agree about the warmth you can get from your blog friends. Maybe it's because we are open with our words because the computer screen is our mask. I don't know, but I do find a lot of truth on these blogs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Acceptance- it's the answer to most things, of course. But it's so hard to get to that point.
    I am very happy that you found that peace. I hope it lasts. I hope for the best for all.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The stories in your photo correlate so well to your post. I offer deepest regard and appreciation for both.

    With the help of my higher power and Alanon I am slowly but surely gaining ground. Recovering. Recovering my 'self.' Well, right now today and hopefully for a while longer, I am on plateau on the mountainside so to speak, in quiet, having arrived at some signal 'end,' suspended sort of, not looking below or above, aware only of my relief and my hope and my higher power. Point being: the stories in the photo are good company on the plateau.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Glad you are feeling better syd.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I see many who are and in and out of the hospital the last six months or so of life. It saddens be because they were once kind and moral people. Now some see them as to what they have been reduced..old, helpless, confused. I know you and C treat him with the dignity he deserves. Someday it will be you or me.

    ReplyDelete
  8. It must be nice to feel a sense of peacefulness in your recent struggle. There have been moments when my life comes to a nice spot. I like to cherish those times.
    The program helps me to acknowledge and nurture the serenity in my life.
    I like the Buddhist phrase May all beings be happy.

    ReplyDelete
  9. it is a precious connectedness...praying for you FIL and your fam man....

    ReplyDelete
  10. Beautiful photo; wise post.

    Wishing you well as you meet this challenge.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I remember staying with my mother when she was hospitalized and in nursing homes at the end of her life. I had barely any recovery then, but it was amazing how powerful and helpful was the little I had in enabling me to be responsive to what love called me to do. Wishing both you and C. peace as you move through the changes in your family.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Syd I don't use this word often because it, to me means something special, but you are a good soul and a FRIEND. And one day i want to go to sea on that boat of yours, it's been many decades since I have rode the Atlantic's back.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Acceptance is such a powerful tool.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I am thinking of your wife's Dad. And you...you both have lost alot of animals this year. We had that happen 5 years ago - dog, then three cats. It was overwhelming the loss of so many of our furry children after so many years.

    Glad to hear that you had some lighthearted moments today. I can't help but think some of it was the spirit of love from your dog. They don't just go away. They live on in spirit. I think she touched you to tell you she is okay.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Welcome back. The grounding after feeling lost is where the comfort lives. There is something to this blogging world. Shared words, wisdom, comfort, healing and acceptance.. what this world needs most of all.

    ReplyDelete
  16. So sorry about your FIL- so many heartbreaks in such a short time is so hard!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Syd, my mom died 13 years ago. I was 34 years old and so scared of the prospect of being there when she passed. God in his grace prepared me and when the time came I was with her and experience this sacred holiness that I can't explain. It is a peace beyond all understanding. Bless you during this difficult time.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Your story about Stella touched me deeply, your sharing about your Father in law too, as my own father passed away Monday. I have been in a 'holding pattern' making flight reservations and taking care of those myriad little details before I fly home tomorrow to be with my family. I just don't think it will sink in until I get home.

    God Bless you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  19. HUG. Thank you for your inspiring posts.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Syd this moved and inspired me so much. Grace, that's all I can say.

    ReplyDelete
  21. hi Syd! prayers go out to you, C and her mom and dad. It is nice to be able to find peace in the face of life's challenges...

    Be well!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Syd, I am so glad C.'s parents have you in their lives. May God continue to bless you. xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  23. :)

    What a nice compliment you gave to your blog family. I feel the exact same about you.

    peace.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Syd, I'm so glad you care this much about your MIL and FIL. It is heartwarming and so tender.

    And I'm sorry to hear the sad news about Stella.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Going through a hard time is like having a storm inside. The storm passes, and the inner world is quiet again. I'm glad you felt that peace.

    ReplyDelete

Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.