Thursday, January 19, 2012

Our own network

The birthday law lasted through the movie and lunch.  The "Tinker" movie was full of twists and turns, flashbacks, and complications.  It was one that required attention and thinking to get what was happening.  Maybe I wasn't in the mood for thinking so hard, because I preferred the "Dragon Tattoo" movie which was straightforward and yet action packed.  We enjoyed the time together, eating popcorn, and later having fish tacos at a restaurant near the theater.

Bliss was short-lived though. When we got home, there were 11 calls from the caregivers and my wife's parents. No messages though.  Uh-Oh.......hard not to have the mind go to a bad place, wondering who is now in the hospital or worse circumstances.

The situation was that Pop was angry with the caregivers, telling Jessica and Brad that they did nothing, were not of any use to him.  It hurt their feelings a lot because they are good people who work hard at keeping the parents comfortable, well fed, entertained, and the house clean.  My wife, C.,  went to have a talk with her dad.  She explained that without the caregivers, they cannot stay in their home.   C. said that he sat there and seethed, saying only disparaging things.

Quality of life for the parents will not be good should he drive these good people away.  So this morning, I called to talk with Jessica.  She told me that her own father, who used to be her self-described hero,  is an alcoholic, that her mother has been in Al-Anon for over a year, and that she can see that Pop is a dry drunk.  So we had a good conversation about taking care of ourselves around the alcoholic.  I shared my experience with my dad.  And related that I went to Al-Anon (I did not break my wife's anonymity) because of growing up with a father who drank.  I invited her to attend one of the meetings that I go to which is close by the parent's home.

I think that this was another moment in which there is a reason that we have been put together.  We are now all on the same page with our truths.  Jessica and I both love alcoholics.   Brad works at the homeless shelter and deals with all stages of alcoholism.  My wife is alcoholic and probably her dad is also.  C's. mom has lived with a restless, irritable, and discontent man for her entire marriage. We are all connected by the disease.  Together, we will form our own network to listen to each other, share our feelings, and work through the difficulties.  Things happen for a reason. People come together for a reason.  Nothing is coincidence.

20 comments:

  1. The FIL can be acting this way for a lot of reasons. It's difficult for many people who were once active and respected to accept the role of being cared for. Whatever the reasons for his outburst, it was handled in a way that preserves his dignity and that of the caregivers. You are all doing the best you can.

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  2. nice...sounds like you had a good and meaningful convo with her and i hope that it continues to work...i def think you will be good for each other...nothing is random...

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  3. Indeed, Syd. I hate that this is happening, but the expansion of the spirit will be much greater for it. So glad you broke your anonymity.

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  4. "...a dry drunk." Yes....

    Alex has been sober 21 years. He told me it took him a long time after becoming sober to learn the difference between being reactive and proactive.

    Things do happen for a reason. My best to you and your family during this difficult time.

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  5. Oh Syd...I am so sorry you are all going through this. It is painful for all involved. I will keep you and C and everyone in my prayers.

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  6. I can't imagine how trapped your in-laws must feel. It's often fear causing us to lash out at those close to us. I pray for peace. I'm so impressed at your ability to keep your wife's anonymity. :)

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  7. How wonderful that they have such understanding, awesome caretakers and your experience, strength and hope as support.

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  8. Well, like I said in another comment- everyone on this planet probably has a link through that particular disease. I am glad you and Jessica could meet-minds and figure out where to go from there.
    I hope it helps tremendously.

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  9. What an upsetting experience this must have been for you both! I totally agree with your comment in the last paragraph that people 'come' together for a reason; there are no accidents. I think it is so wonderful that Al-Anon has provided another family extension for you - with the knowledge of Jessica and her hubby's connection to the disease. Funny how a disease can bring about positive happenings: My own hubby's disease allowed me to find the personal help I so desperately needed through the doors of Al-Anon, also. This is why I have hung on for so many years. There's always a solution or answer available, if the ears are open, and the spirit is willing.
    Love, Anonymous #1

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  10. Sounds like growing pains. Maybe the folks are missing the other couple. Change is hard at any age.

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  11. it is not only the illness but also older people tent to have a hard time understanding reality as we do. Also they get very frustrated because of their limitations. It is up to us as children to help them be comfortable and be understanding of their situation. I encourage patience to anybody working with or close to older people. Sometimes it is just the beginning of the end.

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  12. I can relate. We went through similar times with my FIL. He had to quite drinking in his final years. The dementia really kicked in. Could be the same thing going on with your FIL. Detach and keep making the caregivers feel appreciated

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  13. I truly enjoy how Alanon changes the way to look at problems...they turn into opportunity's for growth.
    Now that I am in recovery it is all a gift sometimes sooner sometimes later

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  14. Ack! Aging is hard!
    I can imagine losing my autonomy and having "strangers" in my home would feel like a violation - even though these people are good and kind and actually keeping them in their home. I PRAY for grace with my folks when they start having needs like this... and for grace from MY kids when *I* start acting & thinking like this.
    I am soooo glad you were able to connect on that level with Jessica... maybe she will be able to not take it so personally AND find new community!

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  15. I think it's true, we all come into each others lives for a reason.

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  16. Syd, my sister is a home health nurse. She speaks of similar situations all of the time. Loss of independence, perhaps some dementia and a host of things change those who she cares for. She understands that it is the nature of the beast and does not take it personally. Hope your talk helped your caregivers to learn to let it roll off their backs. You may be a connection they need.

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  17. it's so beautiful how our HP puts us together with people who can best help us. I love to read stories like this Syd...

    Your in-laws are blessed by C's recovery and your recovery and its just awesome to read.

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  18. Happy Belated Birthday! I agree that aging is difficult and losing our personal power to take care of ourselves is hard, but out of everything comes a higher good if we are open and it may have been found in this situation. My daughter is working in home health care. She tells me it's a challenging job.

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  19. I can't even image how tough the whole situation must be, on all of you.

    It never cease to amaze me the miracles that arise from tough situations and the wonderful people that come into our lives as a result.

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