If you had to describe your life today, what would you say? I listen to many people who live with active alcoholism and addiction describe the other person's life. They will talk on and on about the alcoholic or the addict, but what I hear about their life is near silence. They look vacant as they describe what the alcoholic does. They can recite all the transgressions, the disgusting behavior, the weariness and daily grind of just getting through another day. And I think to myself that I was there--vacant, empty of love, devoid of happiness, and without passion for life.
The unmanageability of a life around alcoholism is painful. The loneliness is palpable. No one to talk to about it for fear of shame, blaming ourselves for not being able to be a better wife, husband, father, mother, lover. Waking up in the morning to have the first thought entering your head be, "Oh God, another day. I hope that I can get through it." And the last thought at night be, "I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate this person that I am supposed to love. What is wrong with me? Where did I go wrong? I don't deserve this". This is the "end stage" of an unmanageable life due to alcoholism.
I don't know the reasons that people choose to suffer on. Maybe there is a huge sense of guilt. Maybe it's feeling unworthy, not deserving of anything better. For me, it was all of those, based on a foundation of fear. Better to stick with the devil you know, than the one that you don't. Meanwhile, the days and years go by, and the despair doesn't lift. Somehow, this existence seems as if death has already come because going through the motions of living, isn't really living.
"Manageability in life is somewhere up there with balance....It is a process and an ongoing practice of active acceptance, surrender, humility, honesty and gratitude."~Anonymous