I still feel as if something is gnawing at me, not letting me feel fully at peace. I have a sense of foreboding, as if something is going to happen. I listen to these intuitive feelings because they have proven to be true in the past. I realize that it's foolish to project so I turn my thoughts to fixing dinner together, reading a book, commenting on blogs, walking on the beach.
I don't want to tell my wife that part of what worries me is her. I nearly lost her to a heart attack last year. I honestly cannot imagine my life without her. And I know that she seems happy but the situation with her parents has been a strain over the last 8 months. I want her to feel carefree but realize that I can't make that happen. Her sponsor is dying, and she hasn't been to see her in a couple of months. I don't think that she wants to see the deterioration in body and spirit. I hate seeing her worry, so I do enough for both of us which is not a good solution.
One of the things that I have heard in Al-Anon for years is that by staying busy, I get better. But as in everything, there is a need for balance. Being frantically busy is not what I want to do. I did that for many years, running from my problems by juggling so many things. So this weekend, I will do the usual things that bring me comfort. And that includes getting more rest.
Hope that you are having a peaceful Friday.
I wish you peace my friend. I know the feeling of feeling lost with out you other half.Celestine had a TIA eairler this year.She has has type1 diabedetes for over 40 years and that takes a toll as well. I donot voice my fears as well.Just know that you are not alone. we all have our fears it is how we manange those fears that count. we either let them define us in a negitive way or a positive way.
ReplyDeleteYo have us here by your side if need be.Just as i know I have my AA friends and bloggers by my side as well.
i feel you man, on the worrying about a spouse...and the stress of her fam, and the loss of a sponsor as well...both very tough...look after each other...and communicating is probably the best thing...
ReplyDeletePeace to you and C, my friend. There is just no knowing what will happen tomorrow, so just for today I hope you enjoy your doings. Whatever happens next will come with a way to get through it...no matter what. Love always.
ReplyDeleteI'm wishing you peace as well. The only thing to do is be in each day. I'm sending up some extra prayers and sending out some extra well wishes for you.
ReplyDeleteHopefully this sense of foreboding you're feeling isn't worry. Someone told me, worrying is like praying for something you don't want. I can't imagine the fear involved with having a friend suffering. I pray for peace.
ReplyDeleteOh yes! When I get busy, I get better. However, as you point out in this message, balance is even more important. I learned a lot from Al-Anon over the years, but I also learned a lot from listening to my parents: "When you do not feel normal, DO something normal." This has provided me with the choice of being miserable or bored, or finding something interesting, fun, or creative to occupy my racing or weary brain.
ReplyDeleteJust passin' it along!
Glad the family is doing well, and also glad that you are near home - afloat - once again.
Hugs,
Anonymous #1
I've found that refusing to entertain darker worries,
ReplyDeleteand immediately coming back to
a SLIGHTLY better thought
always seems to steer me
away from the shoals of despair. And there has been no punishment or reckoning with this. . . it just works gently to change my orientation. We are used to drama
and fear the 'boredom' of simple happiness, my friend.
Aloha from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral
> < } } (°>
Syd by your own accounting you have come so very very far...isn't it time now to take the world off of your shoulders and live upon it rather than under it?
ReplyDeleteSyd, I didn't spend much time in Alanon, but I learned something so valuable in my time there, and it serves me well. And that is to keep moving, do something productive. When in doubt, do the dishes!
ReplyDeleteI rarely offer unsolicited advice, but let me just say this.
ReplyDeleteTalk it out with someone. If not your wife, find someone else to voice these feelings with. Th eonly reason I say this is I would really hate to see you have strong regrets later on because you didn't communicate your feelings.
OK. nuff said.
Syd- I understand that gut feeling, like another shoe is going to fall. Like you wrote, balance is so important. Listen to your gut but don't let it rule you. I have been reading your blog and see that the water makes you happy. Always do you. If you aren't right nothing around you will be. You have a super weekend as well. Peace
ReplyDeleteWell, there is something to be said for "staying busy," but if all we're accomplishing is avoiding something we should be dealing with (speaking for MYSELF here, Syd, I assure you) then we're not really doing ourselves any favors.
ReplyDeleteHi Syd: Does C. read your blog? and do you talk about these worries with her? My biggest regret after I lost my husband was that we left so much unsaid and, being the alcoholic in the relationship, it was easy for me to just not face things.
ReplyDeleteGood luck and I hope you have a peaceful weekend.
I hope you're feeling a bit better now and not so worried.
ReplyDeleteI suppose there's not much you can do to change the things that are worrying your wife, apart from just being there and being strong for her. Which I'm sure you are.
I have learned to ask my HP to remove this "dreading feeling," because so much is beyond my control, and all I am given is this moment - how do I choose to spend it?
ReplyDeleteHi Syd,
ReplyDeleteI too have these moments where I think ....
I try to leave that place as soon as my mind enters those chambers. Not easy, I know.
Oh Syd...you care and sometimes that is uncomfortable. Bless your kind heart.
ReplyDeleteHope you are feeling better and all is well.
ReplyDeleteI wish you peace and light Syd... It is so wonderful to be able to assess ourselves rightly, and take action when necessary.
ReplyDelete