The latest project is being done by a couple of women woodworkers who my wife and I were referred to by others who had seen their work. They are making doors for the companionway entrance that have smoky Lexan in them so that more light may enter below during the winter. My friend doesn't like these women and made derogatory remarks to me about them. He wanted to make the doors. The problem is that he isn't a finishing carpenter and also comes up with many ideas but doesn't see them through.
So on Wednesday evening, I had a long discussion with him about the control he has been exerting over boat projects. He does not see his part in things and puts the blame on me, telling me that he knows so much more.
Over the last few years, I see a man who used to be a part of the AA fellowship but has now drifted away from meetings and friends. He is not drinking but unhappy with just about everything. I have given him work on the boat because that is the one thing that seems to bring him pleasure. But I am now suffering the consequences of my lack of establishing firm boundaries.
Yesterday, I felt the all too familiar feelings of defeat, despondency, and self-pity. It was so similar to what I have felt after trying to convince my wife to stop drinking when she was already drunk. Pointless to try, insanity on my part. I called the trainer and said that I wasn't coming into the gym. "I'm not feeling well" was my excuse and half-lie. I wasn't feeling well, but not because of a physical sickness. It was the realization that I had let the same old behaviors drive me down emotionally.
After some meditation, a cup of coffee, and a good hot shower, I went to the boat and began work on polishing the bronze cowls, stripping off old varnish, and doing odds and ends. My friend showed up, apologized for his behavior and words, and stating that he had overstepped his "place" by exerting too much control. I clearly stated my boundaries, and then we went to work on polishing and scrubbing. We actually had a few laughs, and the tension eased between us.
I know that this is just a reprieve because the behavior will occur again. I'm not going to plan what to do now. I believe that my Higher Power will help when the time comes. I'm turning my friend over to his own HP. And I'm going to make the most of today because it is all I have.
|Thinking of K. today who took her life on this date two years ago.|