One of my earliest memories was of my father being brought home by the sheriff. He had been in a single car accident and broken his arm. There was no local hospital so the town doctor came to the house to set his arm. My father had been drinking and driving recklessly. I believe I knew at that moment that my dad had a problem, even though I was so young.
After that there were many other instances of his drinking. I felt each and every one and feared what would happen on his days off from work. It was as if a cloud hung over me. A cloud did hang over me, and it was called alcoholism. I wanted my father to be like how I saw other dads in the neighborhood--not angry, not morose, not slurring his words.
Although he was a functioning drinker and provided for us well, there was something about him that caused me to worry and made me ashamed. I became shy around others, minimized contact with him, wished that he would die, was ashamed to bring what friends I had home and developed a huge fear of failure by trying to be perfect.
I wanted order in my life. I thought that if I got great grades, made no trouble, and kept quiet around him that perhaps he would stop drinking. The tendrils of alcoholism had already wrapped around me as a child, shaping who I was to become later in life.
I wish that my mother had talked to me and explained what was going on. She was in denial about his problem. I think that if there had been one person I could have talked to about my fears, it would have helped. Instead, the fears were those I faced alone.
If you have a child who is around an alcoholic or addict, be assured that they do know something is "wrong". Talking to your child about alcoholism, offering reassurances, perhaps even counseling can help. Doing nothing and hoping that the elephant in the room is invisible is the worst thing and will hurt all involved.
My daddy was a no-holds-barred drunk. He would take off and be gone for a week on a binge. He'd come home and make all sorts of outrageous promises and then leave again. He wasn't a functional drunk. The only thing he functioned well at was drinking.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny- in the grand scheme of things that effed me up as a child, I mostly think about the abuse from my stepfather, the man my mother married after she left my drunk daddy. But, it's probably very true that my real father's drinking left at least as many scars on my psyche.
And I sure as hell knew something was wrong. Even when I was like two or three years old. There was no way to deny that fact.
What a poignant and wonderful post Syd. I too grew up in an alcoholic house and your comments certainly rang true with me.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who I believe is an alcoholic. I worry so much more about his kids than I do about him and his wife. They are both in deep denial and their oldest child is entering her teen years. I've let her know I'm available if she wants to talk. I'm sure if her parents knew that I had reached out this way they would be angry but I can't stand by and do NOTHING.
Thanks for posting this - it's so important.
Sherry
My dad was an alcoholic, we did not talk about it.
ReplyDeleteMy son's father is an alcoholic, we did, we do and always will talk about it. Mainly we talk about recovery.
The pink elephant ran my family of origin, but it doesnt exist in my own family today.
Raising my boy in recovery has been the greatest gift God has given us as a family.
Pink ele-poo is not fun to clean up! :P
Hi Syd. This was a great post!
ReplyDeleteI too was raised by an alcoholic parent, but he was a dry drunk. The same dysfunctional principles apply. There is a lot of pain and uncertainty. I also married an alcoholic, who has recently decided to relapse. I'm glad for the alanon program and fellow bloggers. :)
Nice job on advocating for children who are growing up under the same circumstances we did.
Thank you for this great share! Peace. :)
I remember the day my husband told my 13 year old son that he was the reason he drank to drunkenness. It is burned in my memory, even though it was 12 years ago and there has been sobriety most of this time. We talked and talked and talked. I can't say how my son feels, but I know he is not a fan of alcohol. He avoids it.
ReplyDeleteSyd, what a painfully accurate and real description of being the child in the family of an alcoholic. I could relate to all of it so deeply. My mom couldn't/wouldn't talk about it because she was in the thick of her own disease of addiction right along side my dad. The only reason I knew that something was wrong was because she had times of sobriety and and went to AA and during those times would talk about alcoholism. So I knew what was wrong, but I certainly didn't know what to do about it. Thanks for sharing this Syd.
ReplyDeletei am a huge propnent of communication...and def in regards to the dangers our kids face...we can not cross our fingers and hope for the best...
ReplyDeleteI have come to recognize that my mother, a child of alcoholics, needed some form of recovery herself. I can see now that she had all the pain from her childhood and brought it into her adult life with no 'program of recovery' to help her. I understand, too, that her generation was not one to seek counseling and AA was in its infancy. How far we have come.
ReplyDeleteIts a different story in my own home, however. Alcohol played a role (one of several) in my divorce and I will not lie to my children about that.
As a recovering alcoholic, my experience is that I never knew how my behavior affected others. If I had know, it probably would not have made any difference. Drinking was more important.
ReplyDeleteThanks for that reminder. My 11-year old son has requested counseling. Having an active alcoholic father and a recovering alcoholic/co-dependent mother, he needs someone outside of the family to offer him the reassurance that yes, something is wrong and no, he didn't cause it.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to so much of this, Syd. My dad too. He has terminal lung cancer now. Although our relationship is better than it was in the past, I call him a couple times a week, etc., part of me feels that when he passes, my psychological abuser will finally be gone.
ReplyDeleteSo perceptive Syd, I could relate to this -- I've written about living with my mother's alcoholism and I do believe the long-term effects on a child are deep and damaging. When we enter recovery though, there is a place for forgiveness and freedom.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Syd. I didn't feel 'shame' as such with my parents.. It was the opposite. Other people thought they looked 'fine' Everybody 'bought' their outward mask. Leaving me alone with my perceptions of their inabilities as parents. I felt speaking up would be pointless as nobody would get what kind of people they really were. Who knows.. perhaps some would have 'got' it.. My friends understood their tyrannical tendencies.. Other than that it seemed like a lost cause trying to convey to others the failings we saw as children, but were much less apparent in their outward lives... Yes talking helps.. Hope you and C are well Syd.. :)
ReplyDeleteGrowing up in an alcoholic home, I found my mother's reactions to my father's drinking more disturbing than my father's drinking. It took decades for me to realize why she behaved like that. But I grew up in terror of her anger, and the ghost of that remains.
ReplyDeleteVery familiar feelings for me here, Syd. My father was the child of an alcoholic, very much alcoholic is his behaviors, and medicated with food (he died of obesity). Like you and MC, I never understood my mother's reactions to his dictatorial and cruel actions. Some things I still don't accept, but I have forgiven.
ReplyDeleteIt's pretty amazing how one alcoholic in a family can throw everything out of control. I hate that I was that one and so glad I got help back in 1989.
ReplyDeleteThanks Syd I also grew up in a Alcoholic home. My father was hard to ignore in his disease. He crashed a couple of car's in our neighborhood. It is my mother's untreated ACA that is still today very painful for me.
ReplyDeleteGlad I can show up for my life I just cant live any other way....
I can't say enough how much I appreciate this post. What I don't think alcoholic parents or parents with addictions realize is that as children of alcoholics we tend to grow up and have such bad anxiety issues that we can't explain but it's from the uncertainty and chaos that addiction brings to families.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post as this is a subject very much on my mind. I am trying to keep the communication open with my 11-year-old son, who is confused about his father's alcoholism and more confused about why his father can no longer live with us, even though he is not drinking now. With my 5-year-old it's harder. She just misses her daddy and blames me for making him leave. I wish there were more resources for those of us left to try to raise healthy children after they've been exposed to an unhealthy situation.
ReplyDeleteMy mom was a functioning alcoholic as well. I grew up never knowing a sober mother. She passed when I was 20. She was only 41. I can really identify with your post. It sounds as though I had written it myself.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story.
Brandy
http://www.insanemamacita.com/
This is exactly what I needed to read today. Im just assume that we are sheltering my 5 and 2 year old children from my husbands drinking, but from reading your post I realise that his anger and depression all cause confusion and self doubt in my son. I have decided to tell him today that his father is ill and that none of this is his fault. I will tell him that any time he isn't sure that he can talk to me.
ReplyDeleteOh, Syd, my friend emailed me the link to your blog and I am so glad that she did. My ex-husband is an alcoholic. I am lucky to have become strong enough to distance myself from his problems. My boys, however, are not so lucky. I didn't understand alcoholism when I married him. I didn't know his risks, coming from a family history of alcoholism. I talk to my kids about it very often. There are many opportunities, as there are many screw ups. It just BREAKS MY HEART over and over again...watching them get their hopes up that he will get better, do the right thing. They fear him and they are perfect children with him, and that is also heartbreaking because they are GREAT kids without all of the effort. They have nothing to prove, and yet, they try to over and over again. Any and all advice is welcome in this situation. I want them to know that his actions are not a reflection of them, but I get it. I felt the way that the feel. I tried hard like they are trying hard.
ReplyDelete