One of the hardest things when there is active drinking is to feel any kind of intimacy, even though love for the person is still there. We have slept together for all the years of our marriage, with few exceptions. Those exceptions occurred after my wife had surgery for her heart attack and when she was so drunk that I couldn't stand to be near her.
Because she had blackouts, I would sometimes stay in the same bed in case she got up and wandered, fearing that she would fall down the steps . Intimacy was not something I enjoyed then. I had enough of boozy kisses followed by anger. Up and down moods when drinking made me wary. The loneliness became more entrenched.
Being sober makes a lot of difference in how we interact. Even though she has been sad lately, we still share a great deal of intimacy. We have learned to let go of past hurts in order to forge a new relationship built on mutual respect and compassion.
In fact, we are having so much fun this weekend that we will stay out until tomorrow. Hope that you are having a good weekend too.
I love the picture, Syd.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the nocturnal booziness. My ex husband, who has no desire to quit drinking would come to bed reeking of alcohol. Me, the sober person, would be insulted, nauseated, and angry. It go to the point where we were sleeping in separate rooms.
You have no idea how much this post means to me. I am happy that you can still find intimacy in your relationship. I am having a really hard time with that right now and have been trying to explain to my husband what is missing. I am not talking about sex. I am talking about a connection between a man and a woman emotionally. We are really struggling with that right now.
ReplyDeleteOh I love that picture! lol
ReplyDeletei am glad that you have been able to maintain that intimacy...it is hugely important in our lives..and in our health...and relationships...glad it was a restorative weekend for you as well....
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. I'm sure it is hard to post something so personal, but it helps those of us who are struggling with it. Intimacy with someone whose drinking bothers you is so hard, so confusing, so emotional...so many things when all you want it to be is a wonderful expression of love. We're really struggling with this, and now I don't feel so alone in this struggle.
ReplyDeleteSuch a bitter-sweet read Syd --that intimacy in sadness. What sobriety offers us --
ReplyDeleteI never enjoyed drunken intimacy. It was forced, by him. I used to lock myself in another room. I would kinda hope he'd fall down the stairs. I'm glad I don't think about this anymore.
ReplyDeleteFeels like you have been reading my mind from the weekend. To all the emotions you've described, add anger at myself for feeling repelled by the alcoholic's advances. Thank you for helping me realize I am not out here alone with these feelings!
ReplyDeleteA grateful lurker who appreciates your blog
There is nothing intimate about a drunk. With or without sex, it's awful to be around someone who thinks slobbering all over you is romantic. Or in the case of a woman, withdrawing, throwing up, or whatever. It's a turn off no matter if its a male or female.
ReplyDeleteOne aspect of a successful marriage is asking for want you want and need. It took me a couple years before I was able to say "I can't stand you drunk. It's me or the bottle." Some 30 years later he is glad he chose me (at least that what he says!)
Letting go of the past is where it all begins. Thanks for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteI love the picture too, Syd. Always good to hear that healing from the past is possible and that newness can be restored. Great example of how it works. Like I think of the double amputee athlete running in the Olympics...someone has to show us how.
ReplyDeleteGlad you are out on the water enjoying yourself. Being more present for my life I can enjoy simple moments like walking along the ocean.
ReplyDeleteSelf pity in the past robbed me of of my serenity
That lack of intimacy is what made me finally give up on a 17-year marriage.
ReplyDeleteAhh the magic of the water... love it! I saw this photo the other day and it made me smile!
ReplyDeleteIntimacy is so important in a relationship on many levels. Glad you had a good weekend.