Tuesday, August 28, 2012


It is pouring rain here today.  I awoke at 5 AM and heard the rain coming down.  I checked the weather about TS Isaac, read for a while and then went back to sleep only to be awakened by a phone call.  I'll be meeting with a sponsee in about an hour to continue further on with his work on Step Four--making a fearless moral inventory.

I can tell you that I want to stay inside the house, finish doing some painting in the garage, take a nap, read a book--and not go out into the pouring rain.  We have been keeping up to date on TS Isaac as it approaches Louisiana.  I certainly hope that the people and their animals and dwellings will be out of harm's way.  This is a big storm even if it is not a hurricane.  I know that I will breathe easier when the end of September comes, and hurricane season is just about over.

Tonight, I will be sharing my story at the end of the month anniversary celebration.  I feel as if I am shared out on it.  When I told it at my home group meeting earlier in the month, that seemed like enough for me.  But this is a different group of people who haven't heard my story or that of another person whose birthday is being celebrated tonight.  I'll keep it short to focus on recovery.  Going back over the painful times is part of my experience but is not nearly as compelling to me as what has happened since recovery.  I am happy to move beyond the past and not dwell there.

I sometimes think that I want to stop blogging.  I have so little to write about now.  It seems that I've said what I wanted to say.  Yet, I am still drawn to our little community of bloggers and feel vested in their lives.  I don't want to become redundant.  And somewhere in the following quote by Scarlett Thomas is a fear of redundancy.  I have to say that among those things listed, I fear so few of them.  I am thinking that I have really learned to let go of a whole lot. That is not redundancy but progress.

"I now sense the howling spectre of something else: layers upon layers of other people's fears. There are misty representations of money burning, of someone being fisted by his own father, of toys that tell you to "fuck off" and then rip out your throat, of the idea that there is no such thing as reality, of someone being abducted by an alien and being strapped to a table in a white lab, of nuclear war, of a child drowning, of hundreds of children drowning, of it being all YOUR FAULT, of choking on fish bones, of lung cancer, of bowel cancer, of brain tumors, of spiders--thousands and thousands of spiders, of a prolapsed uterus, of sleep apnea, of eating, of any kind of sex, of rats, of cockroaches, of plastic bags, of heights, of planes, of the Bermuda Traingle, of the live rail, of ghosts, of terrorism, of cocktail parties, of crowds, of the dentist, of choking on your tongue, of your own feet, of dreams, of grown-ups, of ice cubes, of false teeth, of Father Christmas, of getting old, of your parents dying, of what you might do to yourself, of coffins, of alcohol, of suicide, of blood, of not being able to take heroin again, of the thing behind the curtains, of soot, of spaceships, of DVT, of horses, of fast cars, of people, of paper, of knives, of dogs, of redundancy, of being late, of being seen naked, of scabs, of leap years, of UFOs, of dragons, of poison, of accordion music, of torture, of any kind of authority, of being kicked while you just lie on the ground trying to protect your head until you become unconscious and can't protect yourself anymore."


  1. I remember first reading your blog I was at a low place in my life and hung on every word you wrote. I even have the moth blog hanging on my wall right now.

    Everything has a season and now I enjoy you blog because it makes me feel peaceful.

    I enjoy your quotes and pictures and I think they give everyone hope that you can find peace and be satisfied with it.

    Keep on blogging if it still makes you happy. Putting it out there and letting the outcome go.


  2. Grace, thank you. I appreciate your kind words. My world is pretty simple at the moment. Not much drama which is great. I appreciate the simple and the boring.

  3. if life is simple and boring I will take that as well,since it means some tranquility is around. I hate worry and drama. Big Time Man Hug MY Friend.there are days that you help me make throught the day.

  4. I love my boring, quiet life. Drama can take a hike. I understand you desire to refrain from redundancy. I'm staring at a blank screen today and wondering what to write. btw, you are an encourager. I invited a friend struggling with a son traveling in a downward spiral to attend an AlAnon meeting with me. I haven't been in quite a while. I'm looking forward to going.

  5. I personally appreciate your redundancy. The more I read it, the more likely it is to sink in! I know you have to do what is best for you but I selfishly request your continued presence.

  6. smiles...i have those days too...when i wonder at being done....ultimately it is the poeple that bring me back....they have def bcome a big part of my life...hope all goes well sharing your story...

  7. It's ALL redundant, relatively so, at least.
    And so what? In that is the glory, the story.
    I sure would miss you if you left the blog world but I would respect your need to do so if that's what it came down to, dear Syd.

  8. I'm off to google Scarlett Thomas - we might have a few fears in common.
    You're an education Syd, I would miss you.

  9. I got tired of telling the story of the past, so now I write about whatever I want. The blog has fewer followers, and I'm kinda liking it that way. Posting keeps me in the practice of writing.

    You have started to post less, and maybe that is the solution for now?

  10. Hello Syd,
    Your blog helps me reach out of my isolation and connect. I don't feel your are redundant I forget what you have said in the past. Things need to be repeated for me to grasp my addictions tries to hold my life.

  11. I think that I would miss your blog but would also respect and understand your decision. Even though it is an alanon blog, there is such a nature side to you that I admire as well. I really like the dog comments as they are a big part of your daily life, as my dog is with mine. Thank you for your kindness in sharing your thoughts with us.

  12. Syd,
    Your calm words and introspections give me something to strive towards. I understand your urge to blog reaching an end and I can always just re-read all of your entries.

  13. Experience...strength....hope....that's what you have to share in blogging.

    You're invaluable to us. Dont forget that.

  14. A scary and gothic list of fears!

    Syd, you might just need a break from blogging for a while -- I love reading you and hope you keep on, but we all move through different phases in our life. No redundancy though, just progress and I love it that you are so embedded in Al-Anon and recovery.

    And I'll be glad when your hurricane season in over and I can stop worrying about my friends on the other side of the world!

  15. Like Lou, I changed my blog and now enjoy it so much more. I have FAR less readers, but that is good for now.

    It is more difficult to write when there is "nothing" going on. Nothing but a calm life.

  16. I can relate to sharing about the past,
    I don't go back very far anymore. And peace in recovery is great- I think sharing our gratitude helps others.
    Somehow passing it on has to be all about turning it over to HP- someone needs to hear at least a piece of it;
    but we won't always know about that-
    it is the faith part...

  17. Please don't stop blogging. Please.

  18. lately I've been writing just for me, without thought of comments and readers. If someone is reading, that's fine, but really i'm journaling for myself so I can look back on it later.
    sometimes we just need a break. I take breaks from painting too.

  19. All the fears have one thing in common. It's the fear of being uncomfortable.
    It's not about being redundant. I think that you are realizing the significance of your insignificance. That's all
    I'd miss your blogs. Peace

  20. Syd,

    I completely get what you are saying. I feel like I get trapped just repeating the same old thing, Dad and Mom are doing well and Alex is great too. Whenever I say it is hard to write now I get pleas to keep at it and the stories of hope provide as much psychological nourishment for those trapped as the stories of drama and crisis.

    I am writing for myself. When something moves me I write. When I see a link that is appropriate I highlight the message and provide the link. I find myself doing that a lot more now.

    I'm trying not to force myself. I hope you are taking the same path. Nothing is forever and I anticipate and dread the next phase where my blog is an archive.

    The most important thing, at least for me, the blog helped the most important one, me. This is an avenue that was not available to millions only a few years ago. I am sure there will be avenues available to others we can't imagine now. We all must do what helps us.

  21. Thank you all! I guess if I repeat myself, it's okay. I'm not at the age yet where that occurs about everything--LOL--but maybe I can make that an excuse.

  22. I tend to agree with your commenter who said "it's all redundant" because basically it is. There's little in this life that hasn't been there before but when it hits us we gain comfort from your honest and "no nonsense" solutions.
    You'd be greatly misses, Syd, but only you can make that decision.


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