I haven't been out on the boat to anchor in a while so I'm going to do that tomorrow. I'll head to the "secret island" and anchor up for three days, walking the beach, reading and clearing my head. I am needing the sanctuary of the boat and the beach. Maybe not being out has been another source of my sadness.
And then there is my birthday coming up on Thursday. Another year older is making me more mindful of diminishing time left. I sincerely hope that if I live long enough to get old, I will not be a burden on someone or having to eat gruel. I simply want to die suddenly as my father did--take a nap and not wake up, or fall over on my bed as my mother did. Done, caput, fini, end of story.
I realize that this is a sad post, but I don't want to fake my feelings. Yes, I am grateful for so much. I can list a dozen things for which I have gratitude. But on these days when I feel sad, I need to sit with my feelings and let them work themselves out. I can indulge in a bit of self pity for a couple of hours. And then I'm going to take a shower, throw on some clothes, and head to my home group tonight. No matter how far down I feel, I know that I will be cheered up by my friends there. We all get through whatever is going on together. That's so much better than going it alone.
i appreciate your honesty...and i am sorry you are in a rough spot right now...if you are like me i am sure getting out to the island for a bit will help you to breathe....gla dyou have home group as well, that will def be good for you...smiles.
ReplyDeleteHi Syd, I'm so sorry for the sorrow you and your wife are experiencing right now. Watching the ones we love grow old and frail is so sad. I'm not sure I've ever posted on your blog but I do read and appreciate your insight very much. Blessings to you and your family...I hope something in this day brings you all a little peace and comfort.
ReplyDeleteSummer
I'm sorry you are having a tough time, but I think you have the right idea of letting your feelings have a release rather than trying to talk yourself out of them. You have them for a reason and they are part of life's experience. But my thoughts are with you and I hope that you find some serenity when the time is right.
ReplyDeleteI just got back from seeing my mother who is in the health center part of her assisted living after breaking four ribs in a fall and spending three days in the hospital. She is in pain, she is miserable. She spent the entire visit listing her pains and her miseries. Over and over. Word for word. Yes, she has dementia. She also told me that all anyone in there wants to talk about is their illnesses and pains. Haha! She said repeatedly that she wants to die. She has been saying this for decades. Now I think she really means it. Maybe. She isn't eating either. Finally, when she told me ONE MORE TIME that she wants to die I told her that if she's serious, she can continue not to eat. That it is her right and that is in her control.
ReplyDeleteOoh boy. I don't think that's what a loving daughter is supposed to say.
I am so with you. Please do not let me live that long. Please.
Now go enjoy your beach and the water and your boat and be a little bit reborn for your birthday.
When I am engulfed in sadness and pain, allowing it, accepting it, speaking of it, and sharing it with those I trust, releases the hold upon me, and I can move forward. I wish for you a peaceful retreat upon your boat.
ReplyDeleteI think it is very mature of you to recognize and accept your sadness for what it is, and not try to push it down or away. I think, too often, I spend a lot of time fighting my own emotions. I wonder what would happen if I approached them with a more accepting attitude?
ReplyDeleteI can relate to what you are going through with your inlaws and your thoughts of your own old age. I have the same thoughts ("please, let me go quick") and I pray that I will not be a burden on someone in the future. I think it is very hard to think of losing my independence. Not even losing my independence, but becoming totally dependent on another. That is scary to me.
I am very much on the same page about getting old. Living with my mom, I think of her end and my own mortality every day. And of course, give gratitude willingly for each day's gifts. I hope you feel better soon. Heartfelt Happy Birthday.
ReplyDeleteSyd,
ReplyDeleteI could try to come up with some words to try and comfort but you know sometimes we must be alone with our sadness and work it out in our own way.
I am very happy that you shared your feelings and wish you peace, There are times we all are in this spot and I found my online friends are my best help.
Be well my friend.
Oh my, Syd - - - I am feeling the 'old' things that I see and hear myself; so I can empathize somewhat with the disinterest of the in-laws.
ReplyDeleteAs for you, Happy Birthday - and here's a giant
H U G !
Much love,
Anonymous #1
One thing about program is that we never need to be alone again. We are with you even when we're not.
ReplyDeleteSome days are diamonds, some days are stones ...
ReplyDeleteWe must understand our emotions to know what to do to help ourselves. Sounds like you are doing that.
Happy Birthday a little early. Wishing for strength for your wife and you through this rough time.
Have a good birthday, a good meeting and a good island break, Syd -- you are going through a very sad time with the in-laws and C must be suffering so much. I have older friends in their 70s and 80s who still enjoy their lives and have good health. Many good years lie ahead for you and C.
ReplyDeleteMy first instinct to this post is that I want to make you feel better. LOL I really do though. But you are so right that you need to just walk through what you are feeling. We simply do not know what each moment will reveal. It is our job to trust the process and let it take us where it will. Aging is another frightening form of letting go imo. But once we get to acceptance...we are able to find the joys in what has become our very small little circle of life. Even gruel can fill an empty belly and bring some warmth.
ReplyDeleteI think it's good to write even if it is a sad post. Better expressing how you feel than bottling it up.
ReplyDeleteI also think we all have moments when a birthday comes up and reflecting on where we are in life. I hope you have a good birthday when it comes.
perhaps after this, when the brighter day comes, you will be able to appreciate it more.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are acknowledging your feelings instead of trying to grateful them away. Age is a tyrant that marches on no matter what. It is hard to experience and to watch in those we love.
ReplyDeleteHave a peaceful time on the boat, and happy birthday!
It sounds like you know how to take care of yourself when you feel sad. That's a blessing in itself. I hope you have a happy birthday Syd and I pray for your in law's and wife's suffering to diminish.
ReplyDeleteYou over 55 Syd? Not to rub it in dude but you're already in that "elder statesman" age group. The good thing is that you get to eat off the senior citizens menu.
ReplyDeleteSeriously now is the day and it includes what it includes, and you are also correct that you can wallow in the mire of defeatism for a while, hell it's warm still because I just got out of there.
C will cope, you will cope, with the in laws not because you want to or have to but because that is the kind of people you two have become. You'd be diminished, less than what you have grown to be these past few years, if you two as a couple hadn't found a way to lean on each other. Yes your home group is one of your escape routes but you don't live with them.
Go to the boat get your shit wrapped back up in your mind, that logic part of your head that knows that you play the cards as they appear. You could wish for that deuce to complete the straight but the odds of getting are beyond my math skills to figure out. So when the 9 hits your hand *shrug* toss in the hand. I doubt you could bluff your way to the pot so ... Feel what you feel, let it wash over you, process it and come to your conclusions set you sail and see your way to them.
If days were clay all of us would shape them either a lot different or tweak them just a bit but you and I know the sun rises in the morning until it doesn't anymore. I know watching people around you age out of life sucks but then I have a list of far to many people who never got the chance.
I know what you mean about your own birthday, yeah man that is just a pisser to have to have a birthday isn't it, you know when people who really love you and or care about you acknowledge that you have made their life better by being in it? Shit yeah dude I am with you, I go into lock down hiding every July 28th-(hint hint)mortified by adding another number.
Have you had enough Detroit style pity yet? No?
Ok go on to the boat and when you come back have your head out of your ass and enjoy your birthday, enjoy your wife and friends and uh just a hint--don't worry about the manner of your passing, if you age out in dementia you'll never know what burden you are and if you go suddenly would that be less remorseful for them who are left living on without you? In short quit wasting time on the tomorrows, you got a hand your playing right now, play it and don't sweat the next deal because you're not the one doing the dealing there bud.
Be Well Syd but don't be a dufus for too long OK?
Wow - what a thought-provoking post - as well as one that forces self-examination! I follow the F.I.N.E. post regularly, and enjoy all the blog responses; but yours, though 'well-seasoned with some spice' really touched me. You have passed along some great ways to live - getting older one day at a time - for me, anyway.
DeleteI'm
Anonymous #1 and Syd is an old friend!
Once again, thanks for the honest words of program guidance!
Dear anonymous. You're welcome. Syd knows i care or i would just be trite, I know what a tough youth was like and how hard it is to fight your way out of that and watch them around disintegrate and then learning to trust them again as they rebuild life. My wife was Syd for a long time, but we made it through.
DeleteNot one day at time though for me..seriously heart beat by heartbeat, with each one being another reason to want to see the dawn or being the dawn of a a new life.
Be Well
I agree. I do not like it when family/friends want to pull me out of a funk. I have to purge it out of me in my own way. It is a process. Go with the flow. It will pass.
ReplyDeleteI also appreciate your honesty, Syd. And I think you describe a healthy way of meditating on your emotions. Sounds like you don't deny them, you let yourself feel (and share) them, and maybe in t that you will also let them motivate you to take care of and move your body in healthy ways.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to hearing your birthday perspective. I have my boys (DH and DS) also celebrating another year round the sun. Even the soon-to-be fourteen year old knows he is only ever getting older.
"We can't return we can only look behind from where we came...."