I am having a tough time today. I think that it's a combination of things actually. The situation with the in-laws remains sad. My mother-in-law is not wanting to eat anything, not even the mashed up gruel that is like baby food. Tomorrow is my father-in-laws birthday. He is spending more time in bed at the nursing home, but today we hope that he will go to lunch. My wife is going to see her dad tomorrow and take him a cake. What's there to celebrate? I can't think of much right now.
I haven't been out on the boat to anchor in a while so I'm going to do that tomorrow. I'll head to the "secret island" and anchor up for three days, walking the beach, reading and clearing my head. I am needing the sanctuary of the boat and the beach. Maybe not being out has been another source of my sadness.
And then there is my birthday coming up on Thursday. Another year older is making me more mindful of diminishing time left. I sincerely hope that if I live long enough to get old, I will not be a burden on someone or having to eat gruel. I simply want to die suddenly as my father did--take a nap and not wake up, or fall over on my bed as my mother did. Done, caput, fini, end of story.
I realize that this is a sad post, but I don't want to fake my feelings. Yes, I am grateful for so much. I can list a dozen things for which I have gratitude. But on these days when I feel sad, I need to sit with my feelings and let them work themselves out. I can indulge in a bit of self pity for a couple of hours. And then I'm going to take a shower, throw on some clothes, and head to my home group tonight. No matter how far down I feel, I know that I will be cheered up by my friends there. We all get through whatever is going on together. That's so much better than going it alone.