First, thank you for your caring comments. The blogging community is really great. It helped to be able to share feelings here and get feedback from you.
Mom goes in and out of being awake. She woke up on Thursday which was when I brought Pop to visit. He was angry at first, probably because he saw that the caregivers were still there and the bedroom had been rearranged to accommodate a small hospital bed.
His anger changed to sadness though when he saw Mom. He held her hand and tried to talk to her. I don't think she knew him because she didn't look at him. He told me he was sad. He also said that there was nothing he could do. I thought about the shock he must have felt to see the house again, his cat, and his wife in her current condition. After about an hour, I took him back to the nursing home. He didn't say a word on that drive.
I took him a milk shake and ice cream yesterday. I pushed his chair to the ice cream social where there was music and a singer. I watched a man who probably had a stoke doing his best to clap and move his arms to the music. Pop just sat, looking down at his lap. The bravado is gone, replaced with defeat. I hate to leave him, but he has made it impossible to bring him home. So much anger, fear and resentment has poisoned how he sees others and that has affected how they see him.
For now, we are all maintaining. The Hospice nurse comes every day. The cat, Pandora, sleeps on the hospital bed. I have taken photos that are too raw and personal to share here. I like what Annie Leibovitz said about her photography of partner Susan Sontag before and after death:
“You don’t get the opportunity to do this kind of intimate work except with the people you love, the people who will put up with you".