Friday, August 16, 2013

An acknowledgment

I'm sure that some of you have been in a situation where you want to say "hello" to someone at a social gathering only to wait an interminable length of time before you're even recognized as standing there.  I recall a couple of those awkward moments.  The most memorable was when I was a young professional at a social gathering.  I saw my first thesis advisor and went over to say a few words. She was really a "star" in her field--the equivalent of a rock star in science.  My first published paper, in a highly prestigious journal, was inspired by aspects of her work.

Eventually, I decided to leave the main campus and transfer to the school of marine science where I completed my M.S. and Ph.D.  This meant that I no longer had her as my major advisor.  But we parted on friendly terms and years later, there she was.  I stood politely while she was talking to someone, waiting my turn to say "hello".  I stood there for over 15 minutes without so much as a eye flicker of acknowledgment of my presence.  I felt hugely uncomfortable and small as time dragged on.  Eventually, I began to inwardly fume.

In hindsight,  it was my shortcoming to accept the unacceptable and not simply wave at her and move away.  I stuck around, feeling as if I were a bother, and was critical of myself while building a resentment towards her.  That situation taught me a lesson that I still remember.  I no longer want to be around or cater to the inflated ego of someone.

Sadly, I've seen this kind of behavior at meetings as well.  Newcomers show up and seem to stand off at a distance, not really knowing what to do.  Or they may flee from the room quickly so that they don't interact with anyone.  It's hard to walk through the doors into a complete room of strangers and admit that you have a problem related to alcoholism in a loved one.  I know that I was sensitive to the critical scrutiny of others and worried a lot about being judged when I first started in Al-Anon.

I remain uncomfortable around people with inflated egos.  I like to introduce myself to newcomers and welcome them before or after the meeting.  I appreciate anyone who is genuine.

This week is my seventh Al-Anon anniversary.  I passed it doing what I wanted to do most--go out on the boat.  Next Monday, I will share my story at my home group.  I don't know what I'll say but hope that it will be something that is encouraging to those who are looking for comfort.  I feel a great deal of humility about where I am in life.  I'm happy to not be engrossed in self so much that I don't remember what it was like to first walk in the rooms, to be the newcomer, to be the one wanting to find a friendly smile and an acknowledgment of hope.

22 comments:

  1. I have been in that situation at an al-anon meeting, actually, but I've learned to avoid putting myself in that place anymore. I don't like that feeling of invisibility that comes with standing and waiting for someone to notice you. Instead, I tend to do like you do, and talk to those who might be new comers or who aren't talking to anyone at the moment.

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  2. Thanks. That struck a chord.
    I started coming to a meeting in April. The first time, I stood across in a shop and looked at the people going into the place where the meeting was held, wondering if I was going to go through with it.
    I didn't know if they were going to think me a total jerk or worse.
    Anyways, I said, 'bugger it' and went in. Well, they probably do reckon I am a jerk but they've been really understanding and patient over the last few months.
    Although I'm not in the program too long, I've got to remember the anxiety and the FUD factor I felt before I rang the doorbell and make an effort to open up to even more recent newcomers.

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  3. You must be a very valuable member of your group. I am sure you have made a difference in many people's lives.

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  4. I forgot to say: Happy Anniversary, Syd!!!! :)

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  5. Syd I just adore you for understanding this whole social dynamic and how it feels. Bless your kind heart....YES I have waited to be seen, to be allowed to share my greeting, my smile, my hug...and it is humiliating. Waving and making eye contact is the perfect solution. Once you've waited so long, how do you graciously turn and walk away? I think you just have me the answer.
    And the precious, scared, newcomer.....yes, let them be warmly welcomed in to the circle of love and support that Alanon provides. Awesome post my friend.

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  6. Happy anniversary Syd, and I mean Dr. Syd. I didn't know you had a doctorate. You rock. My husband is, God willing, weeks away from finishing his dissertation. I've always been one of those that hang back and watch. I think it's good that you approach, because it is extremely difficult for me, a huge introvert, to approach. Thanks for stopping by my blog. :)

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  7. I think Al Anon taught me as much about being ok with myself as anyone or anything else. I now recognize ego and pride as insecurity. I don't feel less than just because another person wears a cloak of trying to be something they are not in order to feel better about themselves. There are so many times that I've been grateful for the lessons that living with addiction has taught me.

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  8. Happy anniversary. I still remember when you first started blogging. You've come a long way since then. Your peacefulness and acceptance inspires me.

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  9. happy anniversary man...i hear you on not catering to egos as well...if someone fails to acknowledge me, i move on...hey whats it worth to wait other than mounting my own disappointment...smiles...good to see you man...hope you are doing well...been at the first high school football game of the year...

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  10. Good observations. I used to feel so exposed when going into a room of strangers. It's a gift when a truly kind person notices you and draws you in.

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  11. Happy Birthday! :0) Newcomers are so important, I try to welcome everyone with open arms and an open heart, as I can remember the anxiety of walking into the room for the first time. Our group has done really well lately of not only welcoming newcomers but gently finding a balance of cherishing our traditions and concepts as newcomers learn our program.

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  12. I've had several experiences like the one you described. I do online meetings right now do to that .
    Happy anniversary!

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  13. I wish I could be there to hear your talk. If it's anything like your blog it will be outstanding. (oops, I didn't mean to stroke your ego ...ha, ha)
    As I've told you, my son loves Alanon and he says he will continue going even if his relationship doesn't last.

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  14. Happy Anniversary Syd. I have been reading you for all that time!

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  15. I like what you said about the inflated ego. The same thing happened to me waiting to say "hello". I never thought of it as my shortcoming to accept the unacceptable. I just thought what a bitch. Peace

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  16. Thank you, Syd.
    Happy anniversary

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  17. What n Awesome Blog! It is so refreshing to see loved ones that are coping with alcoholic family members able to actively thrive and also have supports. And the ego part, I definitely relate to that! Keep up the good work

    Daniel D

    http://DriscollsRecoveryJewelry.com

    http://youtu.be/WEr42oRShcw

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  18. Aand in your ending sentences you have perfectly described Syd, what and where most people desire. simple acceptance and acknowledgment. The self centered pompous either through accomplishment or relationship to wealth-I have no time for nor curiosity of them.

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  19. Happy Anniversary, Syd! I think I finally understood ego when I read the book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle..it truly changed my life.

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  20. Seven years of growth and sharing Syd. We all crave acceptance and acknowledgement, but sometimes from the wrong people and sometimes we don't think to give it to others.

    I tried to leave a message before -- my system has so little ability to manage cookies.

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  21. I have just found your blog and am touched by your kindness. I too know what it feels like to stand in a room and not even be acknowldged. I make certain to always watch our for newcomers and welcome them into my groups. Currently about to start teaching craft as 'Art Therapy' to people suffering depression.I look forward to meeting everyone and to try in my own small way to add a bit of light into the dark areas that they often retreat into. Kindness goes a very long way in life

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