Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Sober is the New Black guest post

I received an email from Rachel and asked her if she was interested in sharing her story here. She sent the following about her experience with drinking. I am sure she would welcome your comments. 


Banishing the Booze. By Rachel Black

 

I don’t drink. Never. Not at all. None. One year ago things were very different. As a professional woman it was normal to unwind with a glass or two of wine in the evening. Precious ‘Me Time’ equated to ‘Wine Time’. Very quickly, wine o’clock arrived earlier and earlier, the quantity consumed gradually increased, the second bottle was opened. Drinking crept under the radar to invade my life.  Very quickly the couple of glasses that started as a treat, became a coping mechanism for the stresses of daily life, and latterly, became a need.  I thought alcohol was the solution, rather than the cause of my problems.  The worse things got, the more I drank.

 

Sound familiar?

 

I don’t know if I am an alcoholic but my drinking was certainly problematic and I accept I had a psychological dependence on it. This was not always the case: my relationship with alcohol was typical of my peers throughout High School, University and until I was around 30 years old. At that time things changed and I began to want and need more wine, more often. If I was not drinking I was certainly thinking about drinking. I don’t know how this started but I do believe I have inherited a pre-disposition to alcoholic tendencies from both parents.

 

Children grow up believing the ways of their family is the norm; it is all we know. I was no different and grew up unaware of the significance of alcohol in our home. I watched my parents laugh and joke over who had had more than their share from the bottle. I remember other couples coming round for a boozy evening: I would be up early and alone the next morning and would wash, dry and put away every glass we owned, making the kitchen neat and tidy for my parents. I was never aware of them being hungover, or never recognised it as such, my father was always strict, irritable, easily aggravated and had little time for us. My mother was better and I was surprised when she announced mid 50’s that she was becoming tee-total. She continues to cite ‘health reasons’ for this change and will change the subject whenever the conversation moves towards asking why. Only when I saw my life was following a path I recognised from my father, did I see the problems they both had, for now they were occurring in my life. My father continues to drink excessively each day and I knew I did not want to become like him and decided I had to change.

 

After a few years of trying and failing to moderate the amount I drank, I decided to take the path of my mother and to give up alcohol completely. I thought this would be all about doing without and deprivation. I resigned myself to a life of straight-laced misery, missing out on all the fun. I did not consider what I would gain when alcohol was removed from my life.

 

One of the biggest differences is time. I have loads of time, in the evenings and in my head. My evenings are not truncated at 6pm, my productivity disappearing with each glass, I can concentrate to do online banking and sensible shopping.  I have started a Spanish class as I am no longer reluctant to drive. My brain kicked back to life and I started to write and published my first book: Sober is the New Black.

 

My head is no longer pre-occupied with drinking. No planning nights out and organising taxis, no buying wine or suffering monster hungovers the following day which render me fit for nothing until they pass.

 

Life seems so much simpler and relaxed now. There is no rush to get to wine time. There is no anxiety if things run late. Life just happens.

 

18 months ago I was making my family miserable with my constant irritability, antagonism and over-reaction. I was ‘stressed’ about everything from making packed lunches to putting up the Christmas tree. Now I am calm, measured, pleasant.  My moods are appropriate. I am a better wife, a better colleague and a good mother who happily drives her kids to clubs and has time for a chat at bedtime. They will not see me drinking wine nor see me drunk and I hope I can be happy and believe I have set them the best example I can possibly give.

 

I need to continually remind myself that my life is now as good as it always looked on paper only because I continue to choose not to drink. I was so reluctant to give alcohol up, worried I would miss all the fun, scared of words like ‘forever’ yet here I am, relieved to be free from the clutches of alcohol, knowing I need never drink again. Why would you?

 

Contact me: soberisthenewrachelblack@gmail.com

 

Follow my blog: soberisthenewrachelblack@blogspot.co.uk or Twitter @SoberRachel

 

Sober is the New Black is available on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1495304396

SOBER IS THE NEW BLACK is being price slashed on an Amazon countdown deal from wednesday 26th Feb-Sat 1st March.


I am on the boat for a few days. Next post, I'll tell you about the State Al-Anon Convention.

 

 

 

 

16 comments:

  1. Much to ponder here, as always.
    Enjoy your boat time. I am trying to figure out a way to get a few days at the coast myself.
    Be at peace.

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  2. Thank you for sharing this, it was a good read.

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    1. Thanks for commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Rachel

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  3. lotta truth in this...particularly for me on the role of the family and thinking that is the norm...having worked in multiple family environments and going into the homes i see this all the time....and in our continuing to choose...

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    1. I think all things about each of our childhoods are what we believed to be normal: what we ate, what we did, our bedtimes etc. I never noticed our house smelt of cigarettes as a child but now I can detect smoke at 100 yards!

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  4. Thank you for this guest post. Being so new to sobriety myself, I can relate to so many things shared here.

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    1. Hi Kel, well done for taking the step to give up alcohol. It is a huge step: going from day zero to day 1 was the worst time for me and a deterrant to stop me ever going back there. (not doing so well with the sweet treats I substituted though!). Keep reading and post your blog if you have one. Writing and sharing will bring you loads of support. Best wishes Rachel

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  5. As it says in AA--Alcohol itself is just a symptom of the disease. I tried the giving up on my own drinking for a year and still retained the stinking thinking. When I began to surrender to the 12 steps had a sponsor and the support of the group my life deepened and a new freedom came to me one step at a time.This is my experience...

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  7. My comment is about the spiritual malady. I have heard many alcoholics share that their peace of mind and new way of thinking came through the 12 Steps. I also have read and know of others who stayed sober without AA. Rachel, I was wondering if you could comment on this.

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  8. I have been told this too Syd, by the friends I made at AA. They describe me as 'white-knuckling it' which I don't agree with. I had great hopes for AA and me and I'm still curious as to whether the 12 step path would provide me with greater contentment in life: I am fairly content now, but I winder if it could be even better? My reluctance to commit to AA was due to the feeling of each day being a struggle to resist a drink: I am glad to be free from it, and know that I need never drink again. I often do not think about alcohol. ALso, the higher power. I read people tweeting etc that they have a difficult day ahead but know their HP will see them through. I don't see myself in a passive role such as this; I have a difficult day and I start by being grateful I am not hungover too and I remind myself that I will cope with the day much better now I don't drink. I know I will not reward myself with alcohol when it's over as I now know wine is not a special reward and I CHOOSE not to drink it. We always have a choice. I also felt my friends in AA, although very well-meaning, had very closed minds and would not consider any other theories or coping strategies outwit those of AA. When I spoke of how I coped in different situations they took pity on me, telling me I was naive to believe I could manage without AA and that by not 'coming in' I was denying that I had a problem and eventually would relapse 'out there'. Overall I am disappointed it did not work for me. I hoped the 12 steps would be something I could do but now I don't think so. I am also quite a private person and would not want to bear my soul to a sponsor. Hope that answers the question!!

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  9. You sound like a problem drinker and not a real alcoholic. You gave up drinking and your problems went away. That's good. You might of saved yourself a lifetime of meetings. When an alcoholic gives up drinking their problems usually gets worse. A lot of people in AA are problem drinkers and don't realize they are not real alcoholics. For me alcohol was my solution not my problem. I quit drinking but then used other things to medicate myself. I had a sponsor that said I might be depressed. He said I had a chemical imbalance so I got on anti-depressants. I believed him, and others saying the same thing. That explained everything I thought.. Looking back now, the anti depressants just numbed my emotional pain like the booze. I used other things as well to numb the pain like food, sex, gambling, buying stuff, meetings, cigarettes, caffeine, porn,........ It took me a long time to understand what alcoholism was. It is 3 things. (1) I had a physical allergy. When I took a drink I couldn't stop most of the time till I passed out. (2) I also had this peculiar mental twist which is when I tried to stay away from a drink I couldn't. There was always a good reason to drink. I forgot why I wanted to quit. I couldn't remember the hang overs or trouble ... (3) I also had a spiritual illness. I was separated from God because of my resentments, (I was full of hate and I didn't know it), I was also full of fear (I didn't know that I was full of fear), also I had terrible sex conduct (I didn't have a clue).
    After years in AA, after going to thousands of meetings, counselor after counselor, seeing a psychotherapist, doctors, sponsors, I finally met this guy that followed me out of a meeting talking a different language. He had a plan of recovery. He wasn't talking slogans. He wasn't talking about my alcoholism. He talked about his alcoholism. He had a message with depth and weight. He talked of a solution. I didn't understand it, but I had to trust him because I was still miserable. He told me to do now and understand later. He had done the work as laid out in the Big Book with the help of a sponsor who had done the same. He was the middle man who introduced me to God thru the work in the Big Book.
    I had to go to thousands of meetings to find this guy, and yes I had to stop to drinking first for all that to happen. Today I am a recovered alcoholic. I've had a spiritual awakening and I practice the principles in all my affairs.
    In my humble opinion, AA has been watered down with problem drinkers thinking they are alcoholic. So before you say AA isn't for you make sure you find what AA is and what AA isn't. Try a Big Book Step Study. Pray and ask that the right person be put in your life. And also be careful. The rooms are full of sick people.

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    1. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever found but unfortunately what you said (below) is also true. We will only have it for as long as we can not ruin it from the inside out
      "Pray and ask that the right person be put in your life. And also be careful. The rooms are full of sick people.

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  10. thanks for those comments 1128, I'm pleased to hear there is a point where you can have a problem yet not be an alcoholic. This is the first time I've heard anyone say this and I think you're right: although many times I have wanted more and more alcohol, I have never sought it in some of the extreme ways Ive heard from others. If you say you have a problem but are not alcoholic, those I know in AA will say we are all the same and that I am just in denial as I don't want to called an alcoholic. I still consider the 12 steps and wonder if they would change my thinking. Part of me thinks so many in AA who belief cannot all be wrong and another part thinks they have found a way that works for them and I have found a different way that works for me. I don't know how states-wide it is but I am doing a podcast on Kenneth Andersons HAMS show (New York) on Tuesday to discuss precisely that. I will give your comment some more thought in the meantime. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts, much appreciated. R

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  11. I donot know if you are an alcoholic or not,I do know that life is better without alcohol causing added problems,for i am a recovering alcoholic.I have not had a drink since 17 December 1990.I also know that I could not have made this journey without my Celestine supporting me and quitting drinking herself. thank you for sharing your story here.

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  12. I didn't realize that Alanon had conventions too. I will be interested to hear about it from you.

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.