Sunday, July 20, 2014

Keeping the focus on myself

I have had some good meetings lately with one of the fellows I sponsor.  He is learning how to get his life back after spending years focusing on his son who is an alcoholic and addict. I think that learning to focus on what I am doing and not on the alcoholic was a major turning point for me in my own journey of recovery.

I was told many years ago by a psychiatrist to focus on me and not on my wife. I didn't have a clue what he was talking about. It sounded selfish to focus on me, and I didn't understand how to put it into practice so I ignored the idea. Then, in Al-Anon, it finally came together for me. I understood that I didn't have much of a life because I was focusing every molecule of effort and attention on my wife.

It took me a while to see that focusing on me wasn't selfish. Instead,  it was about my being my own person and my chance at getting my life back. If I don't focus on me, then I too easily lose myself in others. I make them my HP. I also will not address what bothers me or my character defects if I put the focus on someone else.

Our relationship has had many ups and downs over the years, but I have to say that since being in recovery, both of us have come to love each other more than ever. And I am not the angry, resentful, fearful and sad person that I used to be. By taking my own inventory--looking at what my part is--I learned that I was filled with resentment and fear. Now I inventory what I am feeling daily. It is second nature to look at my part. And then I can take appropriate actions to remedy what I have done.

One of the things that the fellow I sponsor is trying to do is have fun.  He has had a lot of trouble extricating himself from the drama surrounding his alcoholic son.  He actually has a hard time thinking of anything positive about himself and can't seem to grasp the concept of doing something fun for himself.

I remember so well that when I was stuck in my misery before recovery that I hated for anyone to ask me what I did for fun.  I would hesitate, feel uncomfortable and generally answer by saying that I liked cycling, running, reading, photography, and gardening. But mostly, I liked to work. The other things that I did were my way of escaping from home and work.  I think some of my happiest times were actually when I was at sea on research vessels and away from home and the lab. 

It feels good today to be able to answer enthusiastically about the things that I like to do.  I finally found more balance in my life where the focus is on what I want to do and not what I have to do.

I am focusing on me when I take time in the morning to have coffee sitting out in the yard and relax instead of going through a mental checklist of what I must get done.  I am focusing on me when I decline to be on boards and committees out of a sense of obligation.  I am focusing on me when I go on the boat for a few days to smell the ocean and listen to the waves and wind. I am focusing on me when I can go to the barn and brush the horses, listening to them breathe or eat hay. 

I know now that my wife and I are individuals and not bound to spend every waking moment together.  We worked together in graduate school and at the same laboratory. We love each other a lot.  But I know that I am not responsible for her happiness.  It's not up to me to solve every problem that she has or to tell her what to do.  

So, if you are thinking that you don't have much of a life because of alcoholism being so prevalent in it, maybe it's time to focus on creating your own bliss and focusing on what you want to do.  Don't put your life on hold waiting for the alcoholic/addict to come around. They either will or they won't. What matters is that each day can be special for you, if you choose to make it so.



19 comments:

  1. Every day of my life I find something to celebrate. Even on the worst days. I am so grateful for that.

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  2. Excellent post! I see myself in almost every word. Thank you for sharing your recovery journey. It has been a tremendous help to me and others as well.

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  3. Who ever you sponsor is one lucky person!...This is true for people who do not deal with an alcoholic or addict even....we are responsible for our own happiness and when we find that we can help others in a good way.

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  4. If you allow it another person can take over your own life. The key point is IF YOU ALLOW IT.

    Peace comes when you can make yourself happy.

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  5. You've done so much great work to get where you are. It's so lovely to read how you've developed as a person and hear how much you love your wife. Definitely inspirational!

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  6. It's nice to be reminded of this. Thank you!

    Holly

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  7. Great post Syd....good reminders.

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  8. Syd,

    I've been in Al Anon for over four years. I keep letting go only to begin taking back. Today I wrote about the fact that we have had to totally let go again. I am so weary from it all. I wish it were different but it isn't. It is what it is. Thank you for this post.

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  9. Oh yes I still like to grab hold of a problem to forget about myself...the caretaker
    at the expense of my serenity is waiting for her staring role. A friend has been on the verge of being homeless for years, recently she called frantic with no place to live. I listened and responded with compassion without grabbing the bait. She is not a drinker or a drug user she is an Alanonic not in recovery. The more I take of care of myself--the better example I am for others.

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  10. Great post...just came from my Alan on Mr meeting where we were talking about the same thing. I've been reading your blog for years and get such a feeling of peace from it. Thank you.

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  11. Oh. My. Goodness. Syd. I would love to have an 8x10 of that photograph. Even a 5x7. To frame. Just something about it. Great shot.

    You know, i haven't spoken about it much, but having finally graduated and started my career, I've found that I've been much more focused on myself than I have ever been. To the point of, yes, feeling selfish. And maybe even swinging a little too far to that extreme wrt J last fall. But, it was OK. I've balanced a bit. My first thought isn't what will J think, or do, in reaction to my choices. Now it is an after thought, And we're both adjusting to that. Thanks for posting this and giving me a chance to reflect.

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  12. My life is limited not by alcohol or rugs, time and circumstances seem to doing just fine without external influences.

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  13. Such good comments Syd. My son has been in Alanon now for over two years & he is a different person. Also, I love your picture...looks like an AA/Alanon couple !

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  14. i remember the first time i heard focusing on yourself and thought how selfish that was...but it does allow one to grow beyond...and i can def see how it would make the love between you stronger....some sound wisdom in that last little bit man...

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  15. All I have to say is thank you Sid after reading your blog - It really got me back on track with my life as far as trying to do something for myself instead of consuming my time with what my alcoholic was going to do next. I woke up upset this am after another night of trying to disconnect but couldn't. I pulled up Al Anon to look for a nearby meeting (it's been 20 years since my last) and came across your blog. I just wanted to say thank you again - you wrote just what I needed to hear!

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  16. I think that finding happiness in your life is important when you're dealing with a force as strong as alcoholism. It's easy to get lost in despair and depression when going through such a trying ordeal, but one must remember that you can't give what you don't have. If you want to share happiness and love, first you have to find it in your life. Your wife needs your support, but to be a strong pillar for her, you need to have a strong foundation yourself.

    Donnie Benson @ Midwest Institute for Addiction

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  17. This helped me tonight. I am learning how to be myself. To be authentic, honest and not just feel like a reaction to other people and their choices. I am taking baby steps, but I am getting there. I get scared, but it is new to me so that is okay. I like your blog. You make a difference to me. Thank you from Los Angeles, Ca.

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  18. Thank you so much Syd explaining it so nicely. Of late, I am struggling with this and here I get the clarity. Thank you again.

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.