In one of the workshops I attended, I heard how fortunate we are to be around others who are working on their recovery. This re-affirmed that I do belong in the rooms of Al-Anon. I also know that most of us who are there still have character defects that can arise again and again. In the workshop about Courage to Change, we were asked to list those things that we could like to change about ourselves. I wrote:
- I would like to change my lack of trust in others
- I would like to be less critical of myself
- I would like to lose my fear of rejection
These old feelings have been around for a while--probably most of my life. My lack of trust in others is something that evolved over years of deception and emotional abuse. While I have a much healthier outlook today, I am still wary around those who I sense can hurt me through their gossip, jealousy or dissatisfaction with life. I still believe in my intuition about whom I trust.
Being less critical of myself has been a lifelong pursuit. I have had a lot of success in several pursuits in my life, and yet, I still doubt that I am worthy at times. I make myself step out of my comfort zone, teach myself new skills, pursue new hobbies, and tell myself that is growth. But it also can set me up for a feeling of failure. I am getting to that age where I don't really have to prove anything, yet I keep pushing myself to do new things---maybe because of the third item on my list of things to change.....
My fear of rejection. This is a theme through all of my life. I have days when I don't feel it acutely. I am good at covering it up. And then there are days when it wants to sabotage everything that is good, pushing me to isolate and fulfill my fear. These thoughts are deep seated. I know that if I am accepting of myself and am spiritually fit, the fear goes away. So I keep working on the Face Everything And Recover definition of FEAR, instead of the F#*k Everything and Run part.
This is not meant to be a bummer of a post. I am sharing where my head is today. I am grateful, working on my attitude of gratitude, and glad to have many options for my recovery. And it is a beautiful afternoon to get outside and enjoy the sunshine.