My sponsor and I talked about guilt last night. It seems that I have an over abundance of that, even when I've nothing to feel guilty about. I have gotten better since being in the program but the guilt beast is still lurking in me, ready to challenge peace and happiness at a moment's notice.
Another big thing for me is self-criticism. So if someone finds out that I am harsh on myself or have that streak of integrity that means I want to do the "right" thing, then it's likely that I will cough up what ever it is you're after. I know that I've caved in and acquiesced when I'm criticized. Usually when that happens then I'm left with guilt, self-loathing and resentment. It doesn't make for a pleasant day when the chain gets yanked and your toilet is flushed.
So, what kind of scenario sets this up in my head? Well, work used to do it to me. I would take on way more things than I could handle because I thought that it was expected of me. I had to be the one to get it all done and have it be the best. I would spend nights and weekends getting these extra projects done. For what??? What generally happens is that more work is piled on because everyone then knows that you're the sucker whose willing to take it all without complaining. Yet, in my head I was screaming with resentment and anger.
So, what I've learned is to not let work or anyone else be my Higher Power. I can say No with only a twinge of guilt or sometimes none at all. I don't take on extra work anymore, and I don't volunteer for any "atta boy" crap at work. I keep my free time open and I keep my nights and weekends sacred.
Letting someone or something else be my Higher Power means that I am letting someone else control my feelings, thoughts, beliefs and actions. What I need to remember is that I'm not responsible for what occurs to others, nor can I control what others think of me. I don't have to be involved in the problems and choices of others. Instead I am learning to concentrate on my own life and personal growth. I have to turn things that are beyond my control over to my HP and just let go of my compulsions.