Caring for myself

It's been great to spend a few days at home. I went into work today and caught up on things there. All was going well until my office computer crashed. I talked to the IT folks and they are ordering me a new one to be installed while I'm at sea. Things like this used to make me go into a frenzy but now I can just shrug and say that it was a good time to have it crash, since I won't be around.

The meeting tonight was good, but I have to say that it brought up some past issues. The topic was how to love yourself. There were a lot of people sharing about how they never had any time to love themselves or take care of themselves because they were always taking care of others. There were some people who mentioned having no money with which to take care of themselves. Someone shared that she didn't know what it meant to love herself, and if someone would just give her a set of instructions, she could follow that and understand how to take care of herself.

My thoughts were that to all outward appearances, I had taken good care of myself. I had projects, a good career, hobbies, and lots of activities that I enjoyed. However, I also thought that a lot of my activities in the past were related to a need to validate myself through my accomplishments in order to get approval by others. My relationships were also those in which I molded myself to what others wanted me to be (the chameleon syndrome). Now I think that through my program, I've learned that I'm a pretty neat person and that I can enjoy being who I am. I'm also learning that criticism and angry outbursts from those that I love may have nothing to do with me. By taking my own inventory and asking whether I did anything to bring on an angry outburst, I can determine whether I need to offer an apology or just keep quiet ("Never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut"). What I'm finding is that I don't alway have a role to play in someone else's script. It's their issue and not mine that brings forth anger most of the time. I'm now willing to own something that I do have a part in, but no longer will I try to smooth things over when I'm not even a bit player.

I'm glad that I have this program. I'm thankful for my meetings and the thoughts that all of you express as you progress with your own program.