When I started doing this blog, I wanted it to be an electronic journal about my recovery in Al-Anon. At the same time, I also wanted to write about what I was learning in my program. I go to meetings, and I've heard a lot of wisdom. I read the literature, and I find more to think about. It's all very exciting to me because I can feel a difference inside of me. I also sense that others I know can see that difference reflected on the outside of me as well.
For me to write about what I feel without discussing the things that I've learned in my program seems like only a half effort. My sponsor commented to me after reading some early entries that I needed to offer some solutions and not just dump my emotions here. That seemed like a good idea. I haven't meant for anything that I wrote to be a commercial or recorded message for Al-Anon or AA. At this point in my experience, I guess that I'm riding the "pink cloud" and absorbing so much of what these programs have to offer. It's exciting to me that I'm thinking differently than I did before. It's equally exciting that I feel differently than I did before. Those are miraculous things to me.
Maybe it's because I am so new to the 12 step process. My anniversary date is August 13, 2006. I know what I was like just before that date. I was a mess: angry, empty, wanting to hurt myself, and completely fucked. I used to take a bottle of pills and look at it and think about taking them all. I used to think about crashing my car into an abutment at 80 miles an hour. I used to take out a knife and run it up my arm to imagine cutting myself. So to be where I am today thinking about all this day has to offer is a long way from where I was before.
Anyway, I'm going to still write about my program and what I've learned here. I'll still write about me and what I feel. It's getting the mixture of those things that's important. I am grateful for the comments that all of you make. You have a lot of wisdom to offer. In some ways, it's like having a bunch of sponsors who offer guidance and thoughts. I learn much from what you write and what you tell me.
Well, I'm off to get my day going. It's Saturday, and I'm going to let my HP take me wherever he wants to. Have a good one.