Saturday, May 5, 2007

Commercial Free

When I started doing this blog, I wanted it to be an electronic journal about my recovery in Al-Anon. At the same time, I also wanted to write about what I was learning in my program. I go to meetings, and I've heard a lot of wisdom. I read the literature, and I find more to think about. It's all very exciting to me because I can feel a difference inside of me. I also sense that others I know can see that difference reflected on the outside of me as well.

For me to write about what I feel without discussing the things that I've learned in my program seems like only a half effort. My sponsor commented to me after reading some early entries that I needed to offer some solutions and not just dump my emotions here. That seemed like a good idea. I haven't meant for anything that I wrote to be a commercial or recorded message for Al-Anon or AA. At this point in my experience, I guess that I'm riding the "pink cloud" and absorbing so much of what these programs have to offer. It's exciting to me that I'm thinking differently than I did before. It's equally exciting that I feel differently than I did before. Those are miraculous things to me.

Maybe it's because I am so new to the 12 step process. My anniversary date is August 13, 2006. I know what I was like just before that date. I was a mess: angry, empty, wanting to hurt myself, and completely fucked. I used to take a bottle of pills and look at it and think about taking them all. I used to think about crashing my car into an abutment at 80 miles an hour. I used to take out a knife and run it up my arm to imagine cutting myself. So to be where I am today thinking about all this day has to offer is a long way from where I was before.

Anyway, I'm going to still write about my program and what I've learned here. I'll still write about me and what I feel. It's getting the mixture of those things that's important. I am grateful for the comments that all of you make. You have a lot of wisdom to offer. In some ways, it's like having a bunch of sponsors who offer guidance and thoughts. I learn much from what you write and what you tell me.

Well, I'm off to get my day going. It's Saturday, and I'm going to let my HP take me wherever he wants to. Have a good one.

8 comments:

  1. Syd, I am really glad you started blogging. I really look forward to reading your blog every day. I hope you will continue.

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  2. I'm taking your Sponsor's advice too Syd, I think I need to not so much blurt stuff out to the blog but share how I acheive each little victory. Enjoy your Saturday!
    Hugs,
    S.

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  3. HI Syd, I am so glad you are here! I love what you post and look forward to reading you. I love your point of view, enthusiam, and how you share. I think its very inspirational. So thanks : )
    Happy Saturday- : )

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  4. For whatever reason you choose to blog, I hope it brings you joy and a place to work out thoughts and feelings. I'm grateful you're willing to share yourself and what you've learned.

    Whatever you decide to do with your space here, it should be yours and what feels right to you. But then, I needn't tell you that. I suspect you're already there.

    Thanks for being you.
    ~Judith

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  5. I'm really impressed that you felt so crummy compared to what you feel like now. That's !!! HUGE progress. I tend to associate that kind of emotional and mental suffering with alcoholism, so its very informative to see that al anons can have horrible rock bottoms too.

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  6. Hi Dear Syd - - - One simple comment: Your honesty is always refreshing; keep working on progress, NOT perfection! The Journey itself is the delight - which will always keep us happy and excited with joie de vis! Love ya bunches, Anonymous #1

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  7. Dear Syd - So happy that you are choosing life, even when it is challenging it still produces moments of complete wonder. Writing for me is immensely healing, hope it is the same for you...

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  8. "Maybe it's because I am so new to the 12 step process. My anniversary date is August 13, 2006. I know what I was like just before that date. I was a mess: angry, empty, wanting to hurt myself, and completely fucked. I used to take a bottle of pills and look at it and think about taking them all. I used to think about crashing my car into an abutment at 80 miles an hour. I used to take out a knife and run it up my arm to imagine cutting myself. So to be where I am today thinking about all this day has to offer is a long way from where I was before."

    I'm glad you found Al-Anon and do not feel this way. You have a right to be happy and serene.
    Sharing is good; someone said that we are part of a HERD. We need other people.

    I use to think about stepping in front of a truck or bus and ending it.. but of course I would not do that (that would hurt others too). I never feel this way anymore.

    I used to wake up thinking.. Good one more day closer to being OLD and DYING and getting out of this INSANE world.. lol (seriously). I would eat healthy and not smoke or doing anything harmful to stay healthy; not to rush it; did not want to feel sick.. but I was clicking off the day.

    Most people feared getting old and dying and the unknown.. I figured after the abuse as a child and seeing that is a Weird World if things like that can happen.. better to be kind to all; but be glad to dye and see if the next world(if there is one) is better. lol.

    I don't wake up like that.......

    Yes there are bad things; but I'm HERE.. and I'm going to not just Survive but Thrive and enjoy this EXPERIENCE called LIFE on eARTH. :)

    The bad stuff are learning experiences.. we grow from bad things or we crumble up. I rather grow. :)

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.