I sent around an email yesterday telling staff what my schedule was for the rest of May and June. It involves my being gone to sea for much of that time, something that I really like but obviously something that struck a chord with others. Not long after my email went out, there were phone calls and knocks on my office door. There was a lot of discussion about other work projects and getting those done. One of my staff S. seemed put out that I was going to be leaving because the logistics of getting the cruise gear together was going to involve a couple of people that he didn't think could be spared because of another project. Ahhh.... don't you love Mondays when the panic button gets pushed by others and you're expected to join in?
Anyway, after a few more frantic phone calls from S., I could feel the resentment get a hook in me. There it was, like one of those worm creatures from a sci-fi movie, working its way into my brain. I could just feel my good humor and happiness evaporate. All I could think of was the number of workshops, conferences and other cruises that I had approved for staff to attend, while I sat back in the office. Somewhere along the way, the thoughts about "what a bunch of ingrates" took over.
So after having those nasty thoughts for a few minutes, I walked out of my office and outside. I looked over at the water, walked around for a few minutes, said a few words to my HP and then grabbed my stuff, shut my door and left. I listened to a Step Four study on resentment on my IPod as I was driving to the evening meeting. As I concentrated on what was being said, I could feel the anger and resentment leaving. By the time I got to the meeting, I was feeling good again.
I am always amazed at how quickly I can assimilate a resentment, but I am equally amazed at how things I've learned in my program help me to look at what I did to invite the resentment in. I think that I have some guilt over leaving, thinking that it's not okay for me to do something that I enjoy. It's the same old replay of my "responsibility" tapes. So after mulling it over, I decided that I was going to go on the ship, enjoy the work, and let the staff take care of things at the office in their usual competent way. That's progress for me, not perfection.