Saturday, July 28, 2007

Uneasy Does It

My sponsor says that it's two steps forward and one step back sometimes. I believe that to be the case. I've been pulling my character defects from the God box and yesterday's was abandonment and today's is resentful. These are big things for me. I've felt abandonment acutely over the years--from my father, lovers, friends, and others who I had expectations of and walked away from when I was unable to accept them for who they were. So I've been abandoned and I've abandoned others.

I have to ask myself then, so what? I have an HP who is always there for me, I have my dogs who love me unconditionally, I have a great program with people who have my back. Why I revert back to thoughts of abandonment is puzzling. I know all the positive things in my life, I know that I can work my way out of the fear but at the time that it strikes, it is so easy to get caught up in it, go into self pity, and build resentments. It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to sabotage myself with my own head.

So to keep things moving forward, I'm going to abandon myself to my boat (who is now called Off Watch), go spend the night on the water, where the only resentment that I hope to have involves scrubbing the deck.

Since I don't want to leave everyone hanging, I came up with 8 things that would surprise you, horrify you, and otherwise cause you to lose sleep:
1. I used to own a horse and rode in horse shows--hunter jumper class.
2. I have some mild scoliosis in my lower back that has ended my running
3. I enjoy driving, am a gear head, and drive a sporty car.
4. I have been down as deep as 3000 m in a submersible
5. I have received many academic honors over the years, but getting my MMD as an Ordinary Seaman was as exciting or more so.
6. I once got so drunk that I fell in a river. Luckily, the water was cold so I got out before I drowned.
7. I have never wanted for material things but desperately want the help that the program offers.
8. I have published a lot in my career but writing on my blog and in my journal has been more satisfying than all the scientific publications.

I don't know who to tag since I'm not sure who has been tagged already. Have a great weekend everyone.


  1. God has never and will never abandon you

  2. I think...character defects just feel so familiar, that they are almost comforting when they come along. I guess the trick is to remember that although familiar...they are very unwelcome. Loved your list.


    is my response.

    Have a fantastic weekend.

  4. Yes, I need to keep up with my Al Anon stuff as well as everything else. I recently got married. Oh My G__! I had no idea what a hurricane of anxiety, anger, and sadness that was going to unleash! Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...

  5. When I was drinking, there was a hunger, a feeling of isolation, a need inside me to grab onto an essential part of being alive that operated completely outside of all the doing and getting and thinking and feeling and spin-doctoring that had sucked up all my time and energy.

    Looking back, sober for a while, I can see that this essential, real part of being alive (God) had always been available to me. I could have connected to it at any point in my life simply by shutting up, slowing down, shutting out the world’s noise, not thinking obsessively about how I could run things better—and then paying attention to whatever else was available to me and accepting it as that longed-for, essential part.

    I'm a drunk and a pill-popper and so my relationship cues are skewed. But, you know what? I don't let it worry me anymore. Much anyway.

  6. I find that God removes the defects of character if I am simply willing to let go of them. I will find that I haven't thought of them and haven't practiced them - and it is not my doing. It is God's.

  7. Fascinating! You've done a lot in your years that you've been successful at. Everything comes with practice...there are things we need more practice with than others...and some things we just never seem to get right.
    Nobody is without blemish..we all have our crosses to bear. Some blemishes are easier to let go than others. Have a peaceful weekend.

  8. The mind is a bit weird. It just kind of does its own thing. Trying to make it one way all the time is like trying to herd cats. Impossible!
    If I want a bit of a 'pick me up' I go help a newcomer, an give it away to keep it. I am always "AMAZINGLY lifted up and set on my feet'. (As in: On talking to a man there, I would be AMAZINGLY lifted up and set on my feet. p15)
    Its pretty damm cool really. Plus you can get a real high off it.

  9. Perhaps having some old memories and emotions regurgitated allow us to have some sort of balance that we need. It provides us a sense of freedom to re-visit.

    What you drunk? Thank goodness for that temperature of the water.

  10. "I know all the positive things in my life, I know that I can work my way out of the fear but at the time that it strikes, it is so easy to get caught up in it, go into self pity, and build resentments. It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to sabotage myself with my own head."

    Yes.. but you know what it feels to be MORE SERENE and you know how to get back that serenity when you do get caught up in your own 'sabotaging yourself'. Wow I can see your growth and it reminds me of my own for the last 18 months. I have had resentments come tumbling back due to expectations; but I know how to handle those feelings. And I don't spiral down in them any longer. (not for too long and not too deep). I have too much good in my life.


Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.