My sponsor says that it's two steps forward and one step back sometimes. I believe that to be the case. I've been pulling my character defects from the God box and yesterday's was abandonment and today's is resentful. These are big things for me. I've felt abandonment acutely over the years--from my father, lovers, friends, and others who I had expectations of and walked away from when I was unable to accept them for who they were. So I've been abandoned and I've abandoned others.
I have to ask myself then, so what? I have an HP who is always there for me, I have my dogs who love me unconditionally, I have a great program with people who have my back. Why I revert back to thoughts of abandonment is puzzling. I know all the positive things in my life, I know that I can work my way out of the fear but at the time that it strikes, it is so easy to get caught up in it, go into self pity, and build resentments. It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to sabotage myself with my own head.
So to keep things moving forward, I'm going to abandon myself to my boat (who is now called Off Watch), go spend the night on the water, where the only resentment that I hope to have involves scrubbing the deck.
Since I don't want to leave everyone hanging, I came up with 8 things that would surprise you, horrify you, and otherwise cause you to lose sleep:
1. I used to own a horse and rode in horse shows--hunter jumper class.
2. I have some mild scoliosis in my lower back that has ended my running
3. I enjoy driving, am a gear head, and drive a sporty car.
4. I have been down as deep as 3000 m in a submersible
5. I have received many academic honors over the years, but getting my MMD as an Ordinary Seaman was as exciting or more so.
6. I once got so drunk that I fell in a river. Luckily, the water was cold so I got out before I drowned.
7. I have never wanted for material things but desperately want the help that the program offers.
8. I have published a lot in my career but writing on my blog and in my journal has been more satisfying than all the scientific publications.
I don't know who to tag since I'm not sure who has been tagged already. Have a great weekend everyone.