Dear Dad:
I think about you often and over the past year have come to love you more than I believe I ever did. I have thought and spoken of all the things that you taught me. I wouldn’t have learned to love the water as I do if it hadn’t been for you. And because of what you taught me about boats, I’ve made a career of not only doing my work from boats but seeing many things in the ocean that few have ever seen. I am grateful for what I learned from you.
I’ve often wished that you were here so that we could talk about how things are now in my life. I’m not the same person that I was in 1985 which was the last time that I talked with you. And I’m not the same person that I was a year ago when I decided to change my life for the better. I’m in a program that has helped me to learn more about myself and to take responsibility for how I live my life. I always thought that I was responsible in my life but the difference is that I’m living a spiritual life now. And it’s a wonderful feeling because it means that I can look inward at myself and my faults in an effort to be a better person. And I can do this without being afraid. I no longer am angry at myself or feel empty.
I know that when I was young, I was strong willed, independent and proud. I loved you, but I also feared you. I wanted your approval and thought that I could get that by changing who I was. Yet in doing so, I built up resentment and anger. There were times when I wished that you would die. I know now that I can change but it’s to be the person that my Higher Power wants me to be. I no longer want to shape myself to be what another person wants me to be. I don’t need to do that anymore.
What I need to tell you is that I also always loved you. For those times when I was filled with resentment and anger, I am truly sorry. I have learned that resentment and fear are human emotions but that they keep me from being truly free in my mind and heart. I am working every day to recognize when resentment and fear occur and take steps to not be consumed by them.
((Syd))
ReplyDeleteYou ALMOST made me cry.
That was beautiful and I appreciate your sharing.
I too am feeling more spiritual these days than ever before.It must have something to do with letting go and healing? It is such a relief...liberating at times too.
Thanks for sharing Syd.
!
ReplyDeleteComplimentary words seem inadequate in response to that.
Thanks for sharing. Good work Syd.
I really liked the bit "to not be consumed by them."
Thats exactly ! what it is like.
What a beautiful letter!!
ReplyDeleteBig hug!
speechless
ReplyDeleteVery Beautiful Syd.
ReplyDeleteSyd, I'm positive that your dad knows how you feel. Although physically he's not with you, I'm sure he is with you spiritually. I feel my brothers with me all the time. I bet he's real proud of you. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeletethat is beautiful! you have a good heart!
ReplyDeleteour gratitude for our sobriety shows when we care enough to share...thank you Syd.
ReplyDeleteWow! You did make me cry.
ReplyDelete