On the mend

Finally, I'm starting to feel better. It's the first night that I haven't sneezed or coughed. And I can actually breathe through my nose. I still don't have much energy but I know that I'm on the mend.

I missed last night's meeting in which I had the topic. I called another group attendee and asked him if he wanted to use the topic that I was going to provide or perhaps one of his own. The topic that I had thought of was "Why aren't we ready to give up our character defects?"

I know that my numerous character defects were those that I used to protect me and to make people like me. They were things that I developed at an early age and learned in order to "survive" a childhood in which I felt criticized and not good enough.

What appeared to work as a child hasn't served me well as an adult though. I can think of things that I said or did in my adult relationships that clearly indicate I was still thinking like a child. I was holding on for dear life to those old survival tactics that appeared to get me through.

Giving up the character defects is difficult because my ego thinks it can't survive without them. I have to learn an entirely new way of feeling. It makes so much sense in the context of reading A New Earth. The fear, vulnerability and feelings of loss that occur when the ego is no longer in control won't kill me. I'll still be alive and can actually move towards a new existence.

I'm learning that life doesn't have to be as complicated as I make it. I have all the tools available through the 12 steps to have peace and serenity.