Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Another sponsee gone

I got a call from a sponsee last night. He started about 4 weeks ago with me. He seemed willing and wanting to work but for a couple of weeks I had begun to notice that he wasn't doing much of what was suggested.

I like to have daily contact with a sponsee for a while. That happened at first but then there would only be a call if he was down. And then there was the reading of the first four chapters of the BB. That wasn't happening nor was he reading over the printed material that I had given him. As far as answering the questions about unmanagability, that was getting no where either.

So I suppose it wasn't surprising when he called last night to say that he had met with his therapist who said that he wasn't ready for the steps yet. The therapist is a member of Al-Anon and goes to one of the meetings that I attend. And he has decided to go to church in order to connect with his HP. He said that he felt bad about not continuing but thought that he could get better without having to do so much "homework".

I'm learning that the sponsor-sponsee path is a bit like getting into a business relationship or a job hire. A person needs to choose a sponsor by seeing if they like what the sponsor has to say or if they can relate to the sponsor. And the sponsor may need to assess how it feels when they first get together. In this relationship though there is no application form or resume to see up front. There is only the fact that the sponsee has asked for help in working the steps. I see my job as providing guidance and the proper tools for a person to work the steps. It's hard to assess the level of motivation and commitment at first because often people are in such pain. It's only after they become less emotional that sponsor and sponsee can begin to get a sense of what may lie ahead.

What I've seen with the last four sponsees is that they are willing to work when their pain is acute. And that if you'll sponsor a person, he will be eternally grateful. I think these people really mean what they say at the time. They are hurting and needing to grab hold of a life life. But what seems to happen is that eventually as the pain and immediate crisis subsides, the willingness becomes lessened, and the sponsee decides to ignore the things that are suggested.

I am learning that there are many people in Al-Anon who go to meetings and think that is all that has to be done. And I'm learning that those who say that they so desperately want to work the steps, may think that they do, until it's time to do the work. I don't know whether the approach of letting things die a natural death is best when the sponsee isn't working the program or whether explicitly stating the conditions under which I will continue to sponsor is better. This is something that I'm not sure about because I feel a strong sense of duty to the program and to help those who ask, even if they decide that the steps aren't for them.

So last night, I just said that when you're ready to work the steps, I or someone else will be there to guide you. No door is ever shut totally on someone who is willing.

14 comments:

  1. I hear you friend. Every word.

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  2. This is a great post and brings up some questions for me. Is there a way to contact you through email? You can contact me by email, if you have the time, through my blog. I can't find any contact email on your page.

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  3. I can see where you could go on a roller coaster with the sponsee business.Looks like many people are not ready.Cheers to you for trying,and giving back.

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  4. When the pain is unbearable we promise to do "whatever it takes" to escape and learn how to live sober but as time goes on memories fade and our burning desires to escape the pain fade we get complacent and I guess we are not yet ready...

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  5. Thank you for this post. I have been attending meetings for a few months now, while reading and studying CAL, but I have yet to ask someone to sponsor to me. I feel ready to ask -- and sense the necessity of asking -- but your post is a great reminder that I must be willing to do the work that is asked of me once I eventually work up the courage to find a sponsor. I would really appreciate your perspctive, on a future posting, about what qualities you feel one should look for in sponsor/sponsee relationship. Many thanks for your wisdom.

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  6. I or someone else will be there to guide you. No door is ever shut totally on someone who is willing.

    That is a right attitude in my mind.

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  7. the willingness of "going to any lengths" thing comes to mind in addition to the "gift of desperation".. i needed both.. i can't imagine anyone that would be willing to do what the steps asks without PAIN and desperation.

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  8. I think you are so open and honest with the sponsee and that is all you can do and be in your position. you have so much to share and you are willing to share - but it cannot be a one sided relationship and you see this as well. I struggle with 'working the steps' mainly because I have difficulty pin pointing my HP, but I am, much like we all are - a work in progress. Thank you for posting this today - I needed to read it. Cat

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  9. That's wonderful that you would take the time to help someone through such a hell, with you having to re- experience it all the time, too.
    I wonder if this is healthy for you?

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  10. Be careful Syd. You seem to put a lot of time & energy into being a sponsor and I would hate to see you get burnt out, especially if the sponsee places you on an emotional roller coaster. You are such a giving person.

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  11. Not everyboddy wants it nor is everybody ready to do whatever it takes.

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  12. Yuck, Syd. That sounds like such a challenge, being a sponser.

    I think the moderator at my beginner meeting is grooming me to be L's sponsor but I kind of am already anyway. I will be prompted to call her and see how she is doing or she will ocassionally call me. Plus she and I have known each other since kindergarten. But to sponser a stranger...that sounds tough. Plus I already hate it when the newcomers don't come back to a meeting.

    I suppose you can chalk it up to another learning experience though. So often lately I say to myself when things get tough, what am I supposed to learn from this?

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  13. i think you've got the right take there. after all, one can only offer, not make someone accept...

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.