I've come to the conclusion that eventually if you stay in the program long enough, you'll have a "lightbulb" moment when you at last grasp what it means to be content with who you are. When you live in alcoholism for a long time, strange things happen. Generally, as co-dependents we lose the ability to feel, we don't know how to love or be loved, we don't know how to be truly intimate, and we don't enjoy the things in life that make it worth living.
After having worked the steps and listened at many meetings, I am finding that how I interact with people has changed. With my SO, I've found that we each work on our recovery, and although we may not be on the same page, we are changing as individuals and as a couple. I've learned to trust her. And with that trust has come an ease of tenseness. I've learned to enjoy our independence. We can spend lots of time apart without the other one getting upset. But we also make sure we spend time together, even if it's just reading or sitting in the same room together.
The light bulb moments or clarity of thought all lead to one thing, change. I can tell that my interactions with others have changed. I'm much more accepting of them. It is a great feeling of freedom to know that I can't change them. It seemed like it has taken a long time to come to me, but I can feel the changes in me and know that my moments of clear thinking are occurring more and more often.
Freedom, and for me a kind of relief, when I realized that I could not change anyone but myself. I found that it freed up a lot of energy for other things.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had kept a journal of all my real light bulb moments. Sometimes I have such a moment of clarity on an issue that I wonder why I did not realize it before.
ReplyDeletePeace and serenity feel so good, but not quite "natural" at times. Ya know what I mean?
I long for the day the tenseness is gone. When I'm not checking the speech, the gestures, the eyes for signs of use. I'm not there yet.
ReplyDeleteThis was an exceptional post.
Your wife is blessed to have you in her life. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
ReplyDeleteIt is great when we realize we are living healthier. It seems to sneak up on me and then I realize I am doing things differently. I like gradual change versus dramatic change. But it doesn't always happen like that.
ReplyDeleteGood post. I want what you have.
ReplyDeleteFor me it is a process of smaller little light bulbs that glint here and there along my path. But I totally understand what you mean about being comfortable in letting go of old ways and insecurities - it is freeing! Cat
ReplyDeleteI get board of having the same light bulb moments over and over again. Apparently, I like to conserve energy...
ReplyDeleteThis was a great post. I've had some light bulb moments of my own in the last 2 years. Sometimes they do seem very obvious when you finally "get it".
ReplyDeleteI was a bit surprised the other day. I was telling a friend that my husband had gone to NY for the day to go to a concert. My friend said oh he must have had to work for it the weekend before. I thought no, actually he does what he wants to do and I do what I want to do and it isn't a problem for us. I actually like having the house to myself once in a while anyway!
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