Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Two years of living


Last night's meeting was a happy time. I took a couple of the dogs and one other member brought her dog. It is the way my home group is--very laid back, very close and very accepting. There was food, flowers, cards, and my friends. It just doesn't get any better.

I focused my story on the steps and how my life has changed since coming to Al-Anon. Growing up an only child in a home where my father drank and my mother denied set forth a pattern for me of self-doubt, resentment, and need. I didn't have a clue about how to take care of myself. I would weakly establish wall of self defense only to take them down when someone would come along that I wanted approval from or who seemed more needy than I was. I kept repeating the same pattern inviting people in to hurt me and reinforcing the fact that I could not trust people or myself. I thought that I had this fatal flaw and that no one would ever love me.

After coming to Al-Anon, I realized that to build my self-worth on what others thought of me was setting me up for bad feelings. And I began to understand that my marriage had consisted of two dysfunctional people clinging together for safety from the hurt that we had experienced. I know that I can't blame my character defects on my parents because they had their own issues and loved me as they had been taught to love.

Gradually, I've come to realize that I can accept who I am without shame. I can accept others without judgment. I can rely on my Higher Power as the ultimate source of strength, caring, and answers. It's like learning how to live at last.

9 comments:

  1. Your peace comes out in your writing and your comments.
    Nice for you.

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  2. Congratulations on your two years! You sound like you've learned alot in that time. More proof that if you work it, it does work. I love the laid-back atmosphere of your meeting, too.

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  3. Congrats on 2 years, to you both. I miss reading you posts and am glad that I again have time. This was a great one.

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  4. Your 'significant other' should every day thank God you are Alanon. I thank Him often for showing my wife that 'other' room!

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  5. A long time before I let you know I existed I had been reading your blog. I don't even know how I found it, but once I did I found your wisdom and honesty inviting. Thank you for your courage to share. Thank you for helping me. Love and peace.

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  6. i think you have your life perfectly on track. keep going!

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  7. Beautifully said Syd. I am grateful for the program and all it is doing for those of us in need. Cat

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  8. "only to take them down when someone would come along that I wanted approval from... I kept repeating the same pattern inviting people in to hurt me and reinforcing the fact that I could not trust people or myself."

    Ooooo....I think I do this. Something I need to work on.

    I feel relieved after reading this post, Syd.

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  9. I love your posts, and I have enjoyed your experience the last "few" years, love the pics... thank you & congrats!!

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