I had a feeling of disquietude much of yesterday. Perhaps it was having too much to do in too short a period of time, but I think that it also related to not wanting to make a lot of decisions. I simply didn't want to have my routine disrupted.
I’m not exactly a totally routine-driven person, but I have found that I like to set my own routine and not have it set by forces that are out of my....CONTROL. Yep, I think that the old control meter was probably out of whack yesterday. So maybe what has happened is that I've gotten settled into a routine in my head and program.
I've come a long way from the early painful struggles about detachment. I've enjoyed many of the benefits of recovery. I attend meetings and know the ideas of Al-Anon. And all this looks really good on the outside, but maybe my spirit has gone a little flat as of late. Maybe I've talked myself into thinking that I'm doing better than I actually am.
I've read that when the inside feeling does not match our outside appearance, we need to become vulnerable again. Every now and then, it's good to look at things with total humility and really remember that regardless of how well I can talk the talk or want to look and sound good, there are moments when I'm not being genuine with my feelings.
I think that I need to step back, think about all the good things in my life, be grateful for them, and acknowledge those things that are still painful. In short, I need to get back to being genuine with myself and my HP. I need to remember that this is a program of life and that I simply need to get in touch with my feelings and be open to all the possibilities without trying to control the outcome. It's like getting back to feeling the program from within and being honest with myself. I think that maybe if I let God do the worrying, I'll feel a lot better.