Thursday, September 4, 2008

Sometimes when you least expect it...

Sometimes when you least expect it, you get a break. After all the frenzy of yesterday, I'm relieved that I have a safe place for my boat and that currently TS Hannah isn't forecast to be as bad as originally thought. Even on its course for NC, it doesn't appear to be more than a Category 1 storm. I'm hoping that's the case.

I had a feeling of disquietude much of yesterday. Perhaps it was having too much to do in too short a period of time, but I think that it also related to not wanting to make a lot of decisions. I simply didn't want to have my routine disrupted.

I’m not exactly a totally routine-driven person, but I have found that I like to set my own routine and not have it set by forces that are out of my....CONTROL. Yep, I think that the old control meter was probably out of whack yesterday. So maybe what has happened is that I've gotten settled into a routine in my head and program.

I've come a long way from the early painful struggles about detachment. I've enjoyed many of the benefits of recovery. I attend meetings and know the ideas of Al-Anon. And all this looks really good on the outside, but maybe my spirit has gone a little flat as of late. Maybe I've talked myself into thinking that I'm doing better than I actually am.

I've read that when the inside feeling does not match our outside appearance, we need to become vulnerable again. Every now and then, it's good to look at things with total humility and really remember that regardless of how well I can talk the talk or want to look and sound good, there are moments when I'm not being genuine with my feelings.

I think that I need to step back, think about all the good things in my life, be grateful for them, and acknowledge those things that are still painful. In short, I need to get back to being genuine with myself and my HP. I need to remember that this is a program of life and that I simply need to get in touch with my feelings and be open to all the possibilities without trying to control the outcome. It's like getting back to feeling the program from within and being honest with myself. I think that maybe if I let God do the worrying, I'll feel a lot better.

Spontaneity is the quality of being able to do something just because you feel like it at the moment, of trusting your instincts, of taking yourself by surprise and snatching from the clutches of your well-organized routine a bit of unscheduled pleasure.
--Richard Lannelli

13 comments:

  1. I imagine that after some time on the program it could become common day - and stepping back and re-evaluating your life and attitude would be very beneficial. Have a great weekend! Cat ( PS I am grateful Hanna is no threat to you and the boat!)

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  2. Oh, MAN! I just read that 5th para for the third time...wanted to COPY it in this comment. That is GOOOOD!

    And..."In short, I need to get back to being genuine with myself and my HP." (And maybe with everyone else?)

    --Controlaroni!

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  3. I think its the lack of acceptance of various emotionsand not the emotions themselves that are most of the problem. Munindo does a good talk called 'We Are More Than Our Feelings' which i like.
    Its so easy to take it all so seriously. sober not somber as they say.
    whatever. nice post. as usual! hope you are well and all..

    PS why do you still have word verification switched on if you are moderating? Ta.

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  4. fear of the unknown comes to mind PLUS like you said "having too much to do in too short a period of time".. whenever i get overwhelmed, i can't seem to think 'right'.. have to take one thing - follow it through as much as possible then pick up the next thing.. trouble is when all the THINGS come at ONCE! take care!

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  5. Sounds like a little complacency creeping in. That's one of the things I have to watch for constantly. It's really hard to "keep it green" all the time but I try to remember it like it was and for sure I never want to go back there.
    Yes, we in NC are expecting Hannah but hopefully it will be bearable. So glad that you and your boat are safe.

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  6. I think it is good to step back an reevaluate. Something else I think we sometimes do is over analyze feelings. I think that sometimes we just don't feel right, and that can be ok if you don't let it rule you. Sometimes is ok to just acknowledge and let go. I feel you are being a little hard on yourself.

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  7. Interesting post.It makes me think how fast I can get negative when I skip a meeting because I just don't feel like going out.
    Thanks for the recovery podcast link.

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  8. Hi Syd! Have a happy Friday~~~~

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  9. "unscheduled pleasure"
    fabulous.

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  10. Geez, Syd, were you my psychic buddy yesterday? What I ended up learning is that I need to work on my self esteem. I'm not quite sure why but it has slipped to a level lower than it ought to be.

    Hope For Today was really good yesterday, don't you think?

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  11. it so easy to slip into a disquiet, restless state. and to step back then is the trick i think, as you so rightfully put it. stay safe and enjoy the weekend!

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  12. When it comes to hurricanes I allow instinct, knowledge and cues from my HP to direct my actions. It's hard not to feel the adrenalin stress of ramping up during hurricane season.

    The quote blew me away. Thank you, again, for sharing.

    My gut sez we prepped for Hanna but may have to go all out for Ike. Hope not.

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  13. Syd - - -

    Compass Rose is high and dry; time to relax. Let go; let . . .

    Love, Anonymous #1

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.