I don't know if I could still live with active alcoholism. I was thinking about this yesterday as I watched how happy my loved one is. And so I thought about how much I love her, but I questioned whether I could live with her drinking again. And the answer is: I don't know.
Those years were tumultuous. And even though I feel at peace much of the time, I know that the anxiety of being around someone who is actively drinking would tear at me. I hear it talked about in meetings: the pain and the sadness of living with active alcoholism. I listen but did I really hear what they were saying? Maybe I was stuck in my smugness thinking that it won't happen with us. But the alcoholic is only one drink away from disaster.
Even though I practice the program and know about detachment, it's still hard for me to envision detaching sufficiently to remain in an alcoholic relationship. Why am I thinking about this today? I don't actually know, other than my inventory is telling me that I feel anxious, like a shoe is about to fall. Maybe it's seeing the contrast of a happy person who is sober and thinking back to those unhappy times when alcohol was in charge. God, I don't want to go there ever again.
i understand your answer. i was the same, every single day, with my dad. will he. won't he. when will he... it's not a way i'd like to live by choice again.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you can admit to "I don't know" shows you have been there. What I heard from those that have not been there is "no way would I tolerate that." Guess that's why we seek fellowship.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe it is the old familiar sing song we fed oursleves that we did not deserve happiness and so on some level you are not completely comfortable with it yet.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is a year sober on the 26th of this month - and a week before that I turn 43. My birthday month has always been a time for him to mess up - and all I can do is hope that part of our life is really over.
Cat
Ah, Syd - - - It's so ironic that you should bring up that subject: I just heard at a meeting last night a very sad sharing from a fellow that his beloved whom he had truly believed would never slip - did just that - and he was heartbroken, and expressing the very things you said. The uncertainties cause distance in a marriage that should have a sound bond of trust - even after a period of long sobriety with both working the program together. It is said by so many, however, that whenever that little nagging gut feeling arises, it is wise to pay attention; it is a warning that there may be a potential chance that sobriety may be losing its priority. I heard that from my own sponsor several years ago when my hubby chose to sip communion wine and thought it to be okay, and of course his attitude went wild. My gut feeling said 'watch out.' That put me deep into keeping busy and focusing on myself, since I was not willing to leave him. He never did totally drink again, and did stop taking the wine, but I never totally trusted him again, either - at least with the possible alcohol temptation. Guess that disease is always lurking. So sad. I will keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteLove, Anonymous #1
Ah, Syd - - - It's so ironic that you should bring up that subject: I just heard at a meeting last night a very sad sharing from a fellow that his beloved whom he had truly believed would never slip - did just that - and he was heartbroken, and expressing the very things you said. The uncertainties cause distance in a marriage that should have a sound bond of trust - even after a period of long sobriety with both working the program together. It is said by so many, however, that whenever that little nagging gut feeling arises, it is wise to pay attention; it is a warning that there may be a potential chance that sobriety may be losing its priority. I heard that from my own sponsor several years ago when my hubby chose to sip communion wine and thought it to be okay, and of course his attitude went wild. My gut feeling said 'watch out.' That put me deep into keeping busy and focusing on myself, since I was not willing to leave him. He never did totally drink again, and did stop taking the wine, but I never totally trusted him again, either - at least with the possible alcohol temptation. Guess that disease is always lurking. So sad. I will keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteLove, Anonymous #1
I wonder if we live in some state of anxiety for that other shoe to drop forever, as part of our choice to be with the recovering alcoholic. Good luck, Syd. I'm right there with ya.
ReplyDeletethank you for the reminder of how our drinking did and could affect others... inventory not only saves us but also other people from "falling shoes"?
ReplyDeleteI too am feeling IT at the moment.. more inventory, more prayers for me, thank you for stopping by.
Its good to feel the love you have for her too, it comes through :)
This is a great subject. I too have wondered if I could stay with my wife if she started drinking again. There are our two boys that I feel I wouldn't want to be around her if she started actively drinking again. I guess for me it would depend on if she was trying to work the program or not. Drinking and making no effort to better herself would be difficult for me to tolerate. At the same time, this is a disease. Would I leave her if she had cancer?
ReplyDeleteThis is really a hard disease to deal with because we are never cured. We work the steps, pray, and do the best we can. It's still hard to deal with feelings of uncertainty and fear that we're all just one drink away from our old habits (or a loved one is).
ReplyDeleteSince I am the alcoholic in my relationship but my loved one comes from an alcoholic home which has made him dysfunctional too it is complicated.
ReplyDeleteI get terrified when I hear other AAs talk about slipping. I know now that it is always just ONE drink away. It must be a concern for my loved one as well. Staying close to the program seems to be one of the ways to ensure that you stay focussed but immunity is never guaranteed. Thanks. Syd, for making me realize that my husband must worry about me having a slip though he has never said so. I'm still so ego-driven even in sobriety.
Whew... I don't know if I could live with an active alcoholic, either. And this was -- in my mind -- a possibility! When I was in treatment, I truly thought that my husband would be unable to deal with my need to not drink. Turns out that he's a "normie" and can take alcohol or leave it. Thank God.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to those who are recovering alcoholic living with active alcoholics. You are in my prayers.
Love - PP
me neither
ReplyDeleteI heard someone say in a meeting just recently that it's easy to have serenity when one is alone. It's not absolutely true, but for the most part it is. When my boyfriend drank I was floored, but you know that. I was disappointed, hurt, flabbergasted. What was I thinking? Unrealistically, I guess. I couldn't hang. I got the hell out of there. And so it is.
ReplyDeleteThat is kind of like some of the comments I received yesterday regarding my son. Mothers that don't think they could do what I have done, saying they don't think they are strong enough. We all do what we have to do if we love that person enough. You could do it again if you had to but thankfully this too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteWhat a difference between living with an active addict and one in recovery.
ReplyDeleteAnd like you said, it could change at anytime.
In my case, S could be using again. I hope not. But I don't know for sure.