Wednesday, October 8, 2008

It hurts sometimes


I talked to a lady recently whose best friend had gone back out and was banging on her door at 3 AM. This lady has gotten back on her own feet, owns her own place, and was afraid that the police would be called if she didn't let her friend in. She described how afraid she was and how she breached her own boundaries out of fear. The friend was drunk, incoherent, and a mess.

After a weekend of almost no sleep, the lady asked her friend to leave, took him to a meeting where he picked up a white chip, and then to a motel to drop him off. When she called him yesterday, she could tell that he was drinking.

She expressed her anger at herself and at God. She said that she no longer trusted God enough to let go. Her friend was drunk and possibly suicidal and yet she knew that she had to detach for her own sake. She simply didn't know whether she could trust that God would take care of him.

These are tough things to think about. We have to let go before we lose who we are. But in the process of letting go, we want to believe that there was nothing else we could have done to help. This requires a lot of faith and working through our feelings of powerlessness. I would like to think that what happens to the people I love is not my decision. I can't protect them from themselves. If I don't let go, then I hold on and lose myself in the process.

16 comments:

  1. Whenever I think "I did all I could do for her" (my alcoholic child) I hear about something that some other mother did that worked and go thru the guilt all over again.
    It's such a hard lesson to learn...the powerless lesson.

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  2. It's a dilemma, and often events make us doubt we are doing right.
    That's why AA & Al-A are lifelong commitments.

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  3. In my recovery I have to do the hard thing, which is not to do anything to 'help' by taking them in, feeding the sickness (placating, sympathizing, housing them for the night...) I cannot let my fear hurt the person who is drinking anymore.

    Each person has their own bottom, if we keep raising it, they can't hit and find God as I have. The most loving thing to do is call the police myself and let the person stay outside of a locked human door... then they can open the door to God instead...

    It's the hardest and sanest decision I've had to make. And it has worked... God does get in, but only if we let the right doors be opened and the wrong doors stay shut.

    Thanks for this reminder!

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  4. Living where I do I end up with all sorts of desperate people calling for me, they know I was a mess a few years back and now see this fine stallion of a man (i like saying that).
    But, you can only help those who are ready, if someone continues to drink its pointless trying to reason when they are drunk and they have to reach there rock bottom on there own

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  5. These are so powerful and so bitterly true - " If I don't let go, then I hold on and lose myself in the process."

    Cat

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  6. Oh how true this is. It's a constant struggle for me.

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  7. I had that same struggle with my dad, wanting to detach but knowing if I did it might be a death sentence for him. I finally hit a wall with him and I'm detaching with love, but it can be so scary sometimes. Thanks for this post.

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  8. you are so right. we have to let go to protect ourselves sometimes. hard as it may be...

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  9. I heard this at a meeting once, if you are having trouble letting go try flipping it. Let God and then Let Go. Maybe when we know God has it we will find it easier to loosen our grip.

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  10. Oh God...the letting go/detachment issue is one of my biggest hurdles! Good for her for detaching and letting go....that is SO hard to do. My addict is my child and its a killer to let go and to realize that I can't do anything for her. Only she can choose to pursue getting well for herself. No matter how much I want it for her, I can't *will* it into being. :o(
    Annette

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  11. Hi Syd, I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now and I would like to thank you for all of the inspiration. I read a few weeks ago a quote, "waiting for someone to change is useless, wanting for someone to change is an expecation, and trying to change someone is control." I am unsure if this is specifically from you or if you read it somewhere but I would just like to say thank you... it was a light bulb moment for me. Peace and serenity.

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  12. Thanks for this Syd. Your posts are always so thought provoking (and sad!)

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  13. Alcoholics who are drinking are a "heartache".

    One thing I have learned is that I often need help in "Letting Go and Letting God".

    It helps me to talk to my sponsor or someone else in the program. Very hard to do all alone.

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  14. Wow! I've heard a lot through the years about "Let Go and Let God"...but the best one so far--for me--came in a comment above (Kathy Lynn) who wrote about reversing the slogan, to "Let God, and then Let Go!" What insight!

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  15. Personally, I don't understand the concept of disliking God. He gives us the freedom to lives our lives as we wish.

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  16. Yes, I think I have done a pretty good job of letting go and detaching with love from S.

    Now I need to do the same with M. It's tough with such a severe mental illness involved but it is necessary.

    I am very close to losing myself right now and am fighting to stay afloat.....

    And stay afloat I will.

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