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Those times when I display anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, bitterness, self-pity and a host of other character defects still come up. Yet, most of the time I don't put that face forward to the world. I'm still a self-controlled person. It's hard to shake that part of me.
I'm not one for great public displays of my inner turmoil. I think that in meetings and talks with my Al-Anon friends I reveal most of myself--the real me, the raw me. And through that raw honesty and the acceptance I've received, I've found myself being calmer and more able to not be filled with anxiety in my daily life.
It reminds me of the slogan to "Fake it til you make it". But I feel less and less like I'm faking it now. The calmness that I feel is welling up from a resource within me. And I'm simply marveling at being able to remain calm and implacable in the affairs of life. Maybe this is what recovery feels like.
Well, if recovery doesn't feel like serenity I'll eat my hat!
ReplyDeleteI said the same thing today. Except you are much more eloquent, thank goodness!
ReplyDeleteaaah, that's the state to be in. may be all get there...
ReplyDeleteGood morning, Syd!
ReplyDeleteReading your comments about serenity and peace are so good for me at the top of this beautiful day! Apparently, you have 'heard' --- or the light bulb has gone off in your head --- the true PLACE to find peace and serenity. I heard over and over from others' sharings - - - 'be patient with yourself --- peace comes with acceptance, and that it is an inside job.'
These were just words to me at first, until I, like you, began feeling good about myself and accepting me just the way I am. Then, the work of recovery began - with the help of a tough sponsor, and a loving Higher Power.
One of the nicest things I do for myself today, when things get a bit off-kilter, is to go inside myself, and find what has always been there - self-acceptance and unconditional compassion and love for my existence. This is where I tuck my Higher Power most of the time. Selfish, huh! It works for me.
Love, Anonymous #1
Thank you for witting this post today. It hit home. I’m envious. ~AR
ReplyDeletecool.
ReplyDelete"a peace that passeth all understanding" as they say..
Yeah I get that too. In the midst of chaos. I love it. A Sponsees Sponsee was very detrimentally affected by a recent bank collapse but feels FINE. It weird but cool. I love the 'immunity" the programme provides us with IF we are prepared to do the work. I call it a ? "parallel universe' of ? "peace" that coexists alongside normal stuff. I love seeing other people get the same effect.
You describe really well something I was! trying to describe in this post
http://anon-recovery-archive.blogspot.com/2006/12/strange-dual-mind-space-shared-by.html
"We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected". p85
"The problem has been removed. It does not exist for us". p85
it is a design for living that WORKS in ROUGH going.
page 15 Chapter 1. Bill's story.
There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us.
page 15 Chapter 1. Bill's story.
We CANNOT subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us.
page 133 Chapter 9. The family afterward
it is clear that we made our own misery.
page 133 Chapter 9. The family afterward
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making
page 62 Chapter 5. How it works
when ALL other measure failed, work with another alcoholic WOULD (not might) save the day.
page 15 Chapter 1. Bill's story.
On talking to a man there, I would be AMAZINGLY lifted up and set on my feet.
page 15 Chapter 1. Bill's story.
Keep on the firing line of life with these MOTIVES and God WILL, (not might) keep you unharmed. p102
Maybe it is.
ReplyDeleteThanks for coming up with the word of the day ...
implacable.
good morning, and I admire your raw honesty
ReplyDeleteI have had so many opportunities to not get sucked into other people's drama and I gotta tell you, I am so much happier because of this!
ReplyDeleteCat
Wow...I look forward to that growth. I am better, but not where I want to be. Congratulations on being able to appreciate your progress!
ReplyDeleteI love this and I love that feeling, I have moments like that that are true bliss and very honest in their intensity!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the great Monday reminder!
G~*
Peace and serenity are the "priceless" gifts of our program.
ReplyDeleteChaos, anxiety, fear, negativity, all those kinds of things used to be my constant companions.
Once I got a taste of peace and serenity, I became willing to do whatever it took to have more of it.
I wish I was better at faking it til you make it.
ReplyDeleteI have days I feel the same serenity and it is great.
ReplyDeleteHere's to more of them!
(Raising my Diet Coke in the air!)
Good post. I learned about that calm and serene state several years ago through meditation. I've found many similarities between the eightfold path of Buddhism and the 12 steps. In fact, there have been some books written on it.
ReplyDeleteI'm enjoying that great "calmness" today. I'm not going to try to figure it out or re-create it tomorrow or anything else. I choose to enjoy the good stuff when it comes along.
ReplyDeleteGROWTH, Yep that's what it is.
ReplyDelete"I have come to admire in this program the ability to remain calm and serene even in the midst of turmoil"
Me too, not all the time, but more and more. It IS working. It DOES work!
Hi, Somehow I missed you yesterday. I had a day like that too. It was actually one of the best days I've had in a long time. I'm sure doing this has helped!
ReplyDeletejen
I'm so proud of the men that do come and share in Al-Anon.
ReplyDeleteWe only have about 2 to 5 men at one time at the 3 f2f meetings I attend weekly.
The island in NYC I live on is small and bump into the same people. All is all I think about 9 men total that I know of that pops up at meetings.
Once in awhile we have a new man that will come to 1 or 2 but then they disappear.
The one man that comes all the time consistently .. opens up..he is not afraid to shed a tear. And he is all MAN... strong but also not afraid to show his sensitive side. He and another member married recently (they are in their 50s and 2nd married for both after dating for about 5 years this time around).
It is nice to see them together .. a good example of a healthy emotional couple that grew in Al-Anon for years before even meeting (they did not meet in Al-Anon but a different social single event).
Good, Syd, you can share your feelings more and more.........
And growing more serene.
Me, I could always share my feelings; women are good at that; but I was irrational and my thinking was distorted.
I was waffling; sending mix messages; etc.
Now I do the MEAN.
I Know what I mean; And I mean what I say; and I don't say it in a MEAN way.
No more accepting the unacceptable; and I'm setting great boundaries; loving detaching; and I am acting more like an Adult. If you say NO..when you want to say NO; then you don't have resentment to others.
I am growing up at 47..........Bettyann