It was a nice day yesterday with the students. At first I was wondering what was going to spur their interest as they seemed half asleep on the boat ride to the island. But after they were on the beach, they seemed to catch fire with questions.
Several told me that they had never been to a beach before. That was something that surprised me. But it made me think about all that I do take for granted as being accessible.
The good times of the day were overshadowed by learning that the husband of a colleague had killed himself. He evidently had a problem with alcohol and depression. He had sobered up, gotten a new job and was doing well until this past weekend when some old drinking buddies came to town. I'm not sure of the circumstances surrounding his death but do know that he shot himself and was found by my colleague.
I just finished writing a note to her. I sat and stared at the paper for about a half and hour. I had no idea what to write. I tried to imagine the horror of finding someone I loved dead by their own hand. My colleague is questioning whether she could have done more, seen the signs, prevented it. She hasn't tried to smooth this over at work but has told people that it was suicide and not an accident. I think that is incredibly brave.
So I sat and thought how didn't know that kind of pain. I don't have that vision of death etched in my head. I don't have thoughts of what I might have done to change circumstances.
But I do know now that there is nothing that I can do to prevent what another person is determined to do. And that as much as I would like to go back in a time machine and re-do some things, I can't do that either.
I am glad that the thoughts that I once had during my darkest days are no longer with me. I have chosen to live this life. I know now how great life is and that each day I have an opportunity to do something with it and experience both the pleasure and the pain.
" When we give up that one final controlling maneuver, we may find ourselves freer to live in this one irretrievable life we've been given." from Touchstones