Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Nothing to give


I made it to Newport. My hotel room window overlooks the water and many sailboats. I passed the Newport Shipyard on my way. There were some awesome boats there. I hope to walk over to see some during lunch.

I have to say that learning that someone has nothing to give is a hard dose of reality. After inventorying the situation, I can see that I was pretending the person was someone other than who they really are. I was negotiating with reality.

I know that people have all manner of character defects as do I. Once again I'm reminded that there is nothing that I can do about another's reality. However, the one thing that I don't have to do is deny it. I realize this particular friend is destructive. I just have to let him be who he is. I have wondered for some time whether he was capable of trust. Now I realize that I knew the answer in my gut for a long time.

I like that I have compassion but that I take care of myself and face the reality of our friendship. I realize that an addictive personality can include things other than alcohol. But I don't have to be involved in his sickness or secrets. I have decided, just as I knew all along, that this doesn't have my name on it.

For too many years, I have been a good friend. Now it's time for me to be a good friend to myself and take my own best interests into account. I like how the program has taught me that my choice is to set others free to be whatever they choose. And in letting them go, I also become free.

33 comments:

  1. Sometimes the learning curve is tough, isn't it? But you are right about our freedom to step away, detach with compassion.

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  2. Just sending love and support, Syd.

    SB

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  3. We all have addictions.
    All of us. It is our only constant.

    Some times it's stuff, or stuffing our Self with stuff, or sometimes it's the relentless rounds of bad thought racing through our psyche.

    So we exchange one addiction with another, like breathing, or reading, or walking around the block...but doing it with intent and focus, and consistency.

    Be well.

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  4. I always remind myself when the human forms do something that affects me in a negative form, God gave me free will. The will to be in a abusive or bad situation and the will to have be not acceptable. Sometimes the bells don't go off quick enough & I get hurt, other times, I hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit and it carries me out from the darkness.

    I love the N.E. coastline this time of year. It reminds me how powerful mother nature truly is yet how kind she is to show her pictures. Beautiful sky in your photo. Hugs. Tammy

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  5. It's hard to let go of people sometimes. As I've changed and evolved over the years, the people in my life have also.
    I like the quality of the people I am close to now. They reflect back to me the life I am living. jeNN

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  6. I think you would be a very good person to have as a friend..in fact, I know you are :-D Be kind to yourself...I will keep your friend in my thoughts today..and you.

    Namaste

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  7. Not to seem uncompassionate in any way, but I learned to look at things in one perspective. Is it worth what very little time we have in this life to worry over it and allow it to steal precious moments from us? Sometimes the answer is yes, more often not.

    Looking at life in this abstract way has helped me to let go and take care of myself more. Sometimes it's all we have left to the day dear friend is the question how do we wish to spend our remaining time? (Hugs)Indigo

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  8. As long as we allow ourselves to we will constantly learn and grow from our experiences. Sounds like this is what happened to you. Glad you are keeping the focus where it belongs - on you.

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  9. there are so many out there with nothing to give, and there are so many who have a lot to give, i try to focus on those that are still here, still working a program, still want recovery.
    i try to be compassionate to the newcomer, but if they don't want it, i let them simply not want it.
    it feels very isolating at times, though, in this area with so many who don't want it, but i still work with the ones that do. take care

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  10. I am thinking of you today and the sadness that goes with letting a friend go. I have recently lost a couple of long-time friends because being their friend made me feel bad about myself, so I just stopped. It was hard and sad but also freeing.

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  11. BEAUTIFUL photo!!!

    "negotiating with reality"...I like that. I'm learning not to do that anymore.

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  12. You know Syd, I am just so relieved to hear that it is a friend. Sorry too, but relieved. for a minute I was worried it was something with your wife.

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  13. I like that you're free.

    Blessings and aloha...

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  14. Good for you, giving to yourself. That's the way to do it!

    Teri - Love your comment. So true, in my opinion!

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  15. lovely. nice reminder and the picture is gorgeous.

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  16. Syd, you are echoing my journey now too, to realize that I can love someone and be a good person, but if they are impervious to my love, there is nothing I can do, but detach with compassion and learn...it hurts though, and I feel that in your post...for what it's worth Syd, I thank you and hold you in the highest esteem for your blog and journey and ability to share...thank you...many hugs
    G

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  17. learning how to deal with disillusionment is a very useful thing in recovery because we have a tendency to be very idealistic about people sometimes.
    we like the fairy tale. reality is quite scary!
    good for you for taking the bull by the horns and reevaluating this situation..

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  18. Sending a quick hug from California
    Chris A

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  19. Letting go of a friendship that is harmful is very freeing, good for you. I did that a while back and then let her back in and now am wondering why....

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  20. Syd,
    Your writing is so phenomenal - and so open. It is refreshing, even though it often reflects some painful and hurtful times. I am grateful to have found your blog.

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  21. That last paragraph says it all. And I loved your comment on my blog about my Star Wars Bar Comment. I'm so glad to have you as a blog buddy and your total lack of being judgemental. That is so beautiful. Thanks.

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  22. This post was so timely for me. Wow does it resonate! Thank you for the strength, hope and experience.

    -invisigal

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  23. I knew all along, that this doesn't have my name on it.
    Oh yes this name thing ...I want to rescue the world
    and forget that I also need to take care of me.
    What does that mean changes also as I grow
    They have their HP and I have my HP
    Trusting HP has a plan for everyone I am not exclusive

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  24. Letting go is hard, but often it is for the best. I am beginning to learn that there are certain things that have, for years, held me back. To be free, I need to let them go... just let them go. Thanks for the post, Syd. And thanks too for visiting me and leaving your comments. Peace be with you. DD

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  25. it's so hard to detach. but it's so necessary! have a good trip, syd!

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  26. "negotiating with reality" I think I do that too sometimes. Eventually reality wins. And that is for the best, right?

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  27. detachment with love aint easy... but man is it necessary, thanks for the lesson and the reminder and the example Syd... prayers for you and your friend...

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  28. I'm glad you have a perspective that is larger than just what you want, rather what each of you needs to move on.

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  29. awesome photo. Enjoy yout time.I think we give way to much to some people at times, and it seems never enough.
    It is your time to let go and this person to hurl themselves into their own destiny.

    Blessings and wishes for a great weekend.. SMILES

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  30. Omg.Can I ever relate.
    It is YOUR time now,Syd.
    Doesn't mean to discount others but we humans are void if we don't refill our spirits with our own interests,desires,etc..I am going to write a post tonight similiar.
    But this is your journey,I so repsect it as many of us bloggers only can.I am SO grateful you write from the heart-it really does touch others.You've got lots of love and adventure inside you,Syd..Look how far you've come so far.Now may you embrace yet anther new beginging,for you.
    ((BIG HUGS))

    T xo

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  31. I know where you're coming from. I went through this with a couple people during the course of my recovery as the scales fell off my eyes. It was both terribly painful to realize how lopsided our relationships were, but also a relief for me to realize that the anxiety I was feeling about the relationships was not because I wasn't caring about the friend enough or in the right way.

    Recovery brings some interesting revelations, but we do learn how to deal with situations that used to baffle us.

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