Thursday, December 17, 2009

A different way to love

After I wrote the post yesterday and read the comments (thank you), I talked with an Al-Anon friend who was having a hard time. Both of us had slipped up by expecting something from another person who has nothing to give. We talked about how frustrating it is to want someone to be different from what they are. When I do that, I'm taking back my will, forgetting about my Higher Power, and making the person I want to change a poor substitute for God. In short, I am bargaining with reality, and it simply doesn't work.

Sometimes when I have those moments where I want to deny reality, I become so angry at the disease and at myself for being sucked into destructive behavior. I have to keep reality front and center. Sometimes, I do this by remembering the defects, the lies, the deceptions, the failed promises, the bad scenes. If I don't remember how the disease has hurt, then I have a tendency to think only about the good times and the special moments. I let my guard down and start to build a rosy picture. And then...wham!

Al-Anon teaches that I don't have to accept the unacceptable or tolerate the intolerable. I can work through my feelings, but I don't have to stay angry or filled with resentment. When I am in a mode of self-pity, I am thinking that the other person did something to me. They were at fault which is a lie that I tell myself.

So inevitably through what I've learned in this program, I shift my focus to forgiveness by realizing that each of us has character defects and are human. Real forgiveness has nothing to do with who is right or who is wrong. It has to do with getting rid of my own regret, self-pity, and inwardly directed anger. I see that the other person is not the source of my problems, rather it is my complicity and responses to what others do that has done me the most harm.

I can still keep in mind that alcoholism is a deadly snake that is in the room and can strike at any moment no matter that the person is sober. That keeps me present in reality. I am taking care of myself, minding my own business, and letting the other person live their life.

This has meant that I've had to learn a different way to love. And it involves more loving of myself and making a decision about how I interact with the other person. I have had to learn to detach with love which is one hard lesson to learn.

23 comments:

  1. I needed a good dose of this today. I still have the after-taste of crow in my mouth. :-)

    Namaste

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  2. This post and your last one are wonderful reminders to me. I have come to realize that I spent most of my adult life trying to manipulate and change family, friends and everyone to conform to my specifications. Then when they didn't do as I had them planned to do I would be angry and resentful. What a waste of time. AA has taught me to face reality...what a novel idea!!

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  3. Syd,
    It is indeed a hard lesson to learn. Amen, brother.

    SB

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  4. Again, what I need to hear. I was also recently lied to and was very angry and hurt. It was no fun. Forgiving and moving on to the things I can control is much more enjoyable!

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  5. Thanks again.....I think I need to set an alarm several times a day to remind me that it is my response that is causing me harm and I need to accept that I can't change someone else's actions.

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  6. I think you probably know to take care of yourself in times like these. I feel for you Syd, you seem to have come across a bit of a squall. Hopefully the wind will change soon. I find that eventually all things reach equilibrium, it just may look different than I imagined it would. Take care of yourself and your loved ones.

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  7. This is such a clear and direct post. All I can think of to say is, "Amen".

    Thanks Syd.
    PG

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  8. Yes, it is indeed a very hard lesson to learn. Sometimes I might as well be beating my head against a wall...that is what it feels like to stay stuck in co-dependent behavior. Lately I have been a bit stuck so no wonder I have been having headaches. Time to get back to taking of myself, thanks for the reminder!

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  9. My monkey mind sometimes is as quiet as a mouse. Then there are other times when it's a selfish, whiny little brat! Searching spiritually keeps the brat appeased most times, but it's something I work on...constantly!

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  10. You have an awesome view. It's all good when I remember forgiveness isn't about who's right or wrong. It's about being at peace inside myself. To err is human, it's said, to forgive, divine. By God's grace we can live in peace no matter what the other person does.

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  11. Nicely articulated expression of "the solution" from a mature Al-Anon perspective.

    Thank you.

    Blessings and aloha...

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  12. Denying reality sounds good, but it just prolongs the pain. Two very strong posts back to back. Thanks Syd.

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  13. Syd, sometimes I think, "Wow, this guy is so freakin' awesome". I also think, "why doesn't he have 228,000 followers...or whatever the number would be to x it by 1,000". You're the best. You're a gift to me. cindy.

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  14. Your honest sharing about this difficulty helps all of us. I have found the Serenity prayer to be a wonderful guide to discernment in deciding whether confrontation and action will change anything and knowing when I need to aceept what cannot be changed. And the wisdom to know the difference comes in part from that experiential learning process.

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  15. detaching with love is so so very hard... yet its not a choice, but a necessity.

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  16. I know we can never really change anyone. I think we have to learn to love and live with that fact that God made us similiar but very different and unique.

    I think the struggle is trying to change the other person, where in we forget about the most important person of all. OURSELF!

    As you know I have been learning to forgive a few people in my life, the path was rough,I slip up once in awhile but feel better for trying
    HUGS

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  17. I think that one of the things I've learned, albeit the hard way, is that the work of detachment feels waaay better than Anguish, Despair, Frustration, thoughts of Revenge, Hatred, Self-Righteousness and other painful ways of thinking and being.... I learned that it was hard to learn the skill of detachment, but it's well worth the effort.

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  18. Love this post, Syd. Detaching with love... something I know I must do, and soon!

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  19. My 2 hardest lessons to learn are minding my own business and detaching with love. Thanks for always providing a solution along with the problem.

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  20. Detachment with love. Hmmm. I have fond memories of the day I really really got that and was able to let go of 'the pain the addict caused me.'

    It's beautiful. For me though, I detached with such care and beauty for both my husband and I that I had to admit (eventually) that staying was only ever going to be more of the same...

    it was and is sad to have lost a lover but gained deep respect and understanding for my friend.

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  21. damn, I needed to read this Syd, thank you!

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  22. Wow this is what I need to read tonight.
    Thanks again Syd.
    Right on target I forget and it begins all over again

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