In Al-Anon, we say that we love the person but hate the disease. Today I'm hating the disease. I realize that no matter how much I would like to undo my wife's alcoholism, she will always be an alcoholic. There is nothing I can do to change that. The leopard was born with spots and will still have those spots until death.
I hate that alcoholism is a unique disease that tells a person they don't have a disease at all, they don't need help and that just one drink won't make their life unmanagable. The alcoholic's mental obsession with alcohol is subtle. Even after the sobriety comes, the manifestations of alcoholism can still be present. Yet, from reading the book Alcoholics Anonymous I have learned that alcoholism “is an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.” And in “The Doctor’s Opinion” introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous, Dr. Silkworth writes that: ". . . the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. It does not satisfy us to be told that we cannot control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete."
I see my sweet C. as she bakes cookies, does her gardening, smiles at me as we get into bed, snuggles against me. I see this and want her to be "normal"-- whatever the hell that is. And my adverse reaction to the disease made me fearful, obsessed, controlling and resentful. I was exhibiting all the effects of alcoholism without taking a single drink!
I now know that in order for me to have any serenity in my life, I have to accept that she is an alcoholic. I cannot change her "spots". And I have to focus on taking care of what needs to be done to keep me in a good place emotionally and spiritually. I have recovered my balance, mind, body and spirit by focusing on my own recovery in Al-Anon. And just writing this out today has gotten me to a better place.
Oh my - - - This is a very poignant description of the FEAR that presents itself in the effects of this damnable disease - - - which will not allow me to drop my guard, but always keep alert to the fact that 'there are no guarantees,' as much as I would like to think this way. Good description, Syd. I can identify with the deep wish of the 'problem' being absolutely cured and obliterated. Thank God Bill W and Dr Bob, and then the wives, Anne and Lois - - - were wise enough to provide insight into a path to recovery for us all.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Anonymous #1
We both quoted from The Doctor's Opinion today.
ReplyDeleteAcceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
I can so identify with what you said. My wife has 29 years of sobriety and is still very much an alcoholic. You can remove the "alcohol," but the "ism" lives on. Have to remind myself of that every day and be grateful for the tools of our program. Have a good one!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your thoughts today.
ReplyDeleteVery powerful post Syd, and so very true. In looking after my own recovery I have been more able to accept my beloved spots and put my anger and resentment of this disease in its place. In doing so I am also able to appreciate the best parts of both of us! Thank you for continuing to shine your light on this and thus helping me to be more clear.
ReplyDeleteI think I have learned acceptance of my hubby's addictions because I have to accept his sickness. He has been in hospitals ten times for bipolar manic episodes. In order for me to be healthy and take care of myself I let go and do what I need to do for me. Being married is worth it, isn't it? Being married to someone we love so much.
ReplyDeletePeople can become unstuck in lots of ways, not just alcoholics. I am not concerned about whether or not an alcoholic will drink to the precise extent that I see that they are able to follow suggestions, be teachable, and be honest.
ReplyDeleteIf they are helping newcomers, if they put their recovery first, yet are simultaneously not becoming a martyr as a result of their attempts to help others, then I am secure in their safety.
I like to think I have learned to identify the things that keep people sober and the things that place them in danger of drinking, but it's difficult to tell without speaking to the person directly. I'm sure your wife has more than adequate support from her AA members that live nearby, but if she wanted to speak to me on Skype she's very welcome to.
I wake up 80% of the time happy and ready for the day and grateful, but there is that 20% that can bring me down if I allow it.
ReplyDeleteGreat post today!
"I now know that in order for me to have any serenity in my life, I have to accept that she is an alcoholic. I cannot change her "spots"."
ReplyDeleteBeing an alcoholic myself, I find that serenity often alludes me due to my lack of acceptance of my "spots". Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the reminder. It makes me remember that I need to take each day minute by minute.
ReplyDeleteTo me, loving an alcoholic is pretty much the same as loving a schizophrenic, or a diabetic, or a person stricken with cancer.... It's hard to separate the person from the disease. It's a hard lesson to learn how to manage the pain and the anger and keep one's own balance and purpose in mind as well.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of something that Lois wrote in Lois Remembers:
"I used to believe thinking was the highest function of human beings. The AA experience changed me. I now realize loving is our supreme function. The heart precedes the mind."
Interesting post, Syd.
ReplyDeleteI hope the sinuses are better today.
Great post Syd, I often think as with Irish Friend that I need to remain Honest Open and Willing and be teachable, that is what keeps me from relying on the alcoholic inside me, the isms for me grow less and less the more and more I use the HOW of the program and the more I work the steps.
ReplyDeleteGreat and honest and thought provoking post.
G
Seems to be a balancing act, and sometimes I'm tired of it. Mostly I'm glad to see positive outcomes in my relationship with my husband. It took us 35+ years to get here (for me 55+ years to be who I am) and these 166 DAYS of working the program is not going to work like a magic wand. My thinking gets REALLY stinkin' when I don't feel good. Take care of yourself!
ReplyDeletei sometimes wonder what would happen if i ever tried drinking. everone in my family either becomes an alcoholic or drinks not a drop; there's nothing in between. i stayed away because my father suffered so horribly. i felt i'd seen the face of death in his struggles. but there's always this little voice that says, what if you're one too? of course i am not going to test it out!
ReplyDeletegrateful for your post, and everyone's responses.
I'm just stopping by to say Hi and say I hope you're doing well.My eyeballs are about to fall out for the night..be back soon for a real read.Goodnightxo
ReplyDeleteah i see. well there might always be an inherent vulnerability there long term, but u could say that about any human really. it felt to me like i worked a lot ! less hard at staying sober after ? year 5. just felt like much less of an effort. much easier. yes u have to be on the lookuot for complacency, and other non-obvious life situations that might catch u unawares and just cause havoc of some sort, but by and large id say it felt a LOT easier after 5 years of working quite hard at learning the ropes in aa. so the journey can get a !!! lot more do-able.
ReplyDeletemaintaining vigilance in this way can prevent a lot of problems a non alcoholic would not see, so it has its benefits too. oh yeah. plus we are completely at home in a crisis :) non-12 steppers fall apart, but we are very comfortable in that we know exactly what to do when it goes horribly wrong, so yeah we handle the bad bumps in the road better than most. :)
i understand....
ReplyDeleteTake care Syd -- I hear the heart ache. Deep change and healing can take a long time and we each carries our flaws and brokennness with us through life.
ReplyDeleteThank you. You help me see my spots today. Sometimes I forget I have them.
ReplyDeleteWow. Just, like, wow.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
Blessings and aloha...
a very real post... a day in the life of married people in recovery...
ReplyDeleteyou describe my life with my life and her life with me.
at least there's hope today :-)