Realizations

I am starting off the first of the week with a sleep deficit. C and I stayed up way too late last night watching the voting in the House on health care reform.  Today I was somehow thinking that the bitterness and backbiting would be over. I am an optimist and a bit naive.  But like so many things that I have no control over,  I am choosing not to participate in debates, arguments, and vituperative discussions about any of this.

C enjoyed her birthday.  We had a nice dinner with her parents.  Her mother is doing okay but is still in some pain.  I don't like to see the decline in their health.  I know that it worries my wife, although she doesn't talk much about it.  She carries them to their doctor's appointments, although her father still drives.  It makes me sad that she will have to face the heartache of losing one or both of them.  I don't want her to feel that pain.  But there is nothing that I can do to ease it for her, other than just be there.

I know after reading your blogs that our decision not to have children was for the best.  I would find it difficult to cope with the pain of having an alcoholic or addicted child.  I can feel the anxiety in the pit of my stomach as I read about relapses, tensions, rehab, prison, panhandling and all the other stuff that goes along with addiction.

We both realized years ago that we weren't ready to be parents.  We wanted careers.  The years added up and then we realized that things were too messed up due to alcoholism to have children.  After that, it was too late.  I don't have any regrets about the decisions.  A child is not a panacea for problems. 

I don't have to make the tough decisions at the moment that many of you are facing.  I have been thinking about teak decks, cutter versus sloop rigs, and a host of things that have to do with pleasurable pursuits.  I don't feel guilty but mindful that there is minimal chaos in my life today.  Tomorrow all Hell may break loose, but today I am in a good place.  I wish that for each of you also.