Tears from the heart

I have a lot of tears from my heart today.  The party last night was really nice.  It all went well.  I am posting a few photos here to give you an idea of the ambiance. The party was held at a very casual seafood place that sits on pilings over the water.  The original place burned several years ago.  It had written on its walls names that went back for years and years.  A little bit of the area's history burned on that day.  But the rebuilt place is getting to be as tacky as the old one was, and it is a great place to have a party.

The atmosphere was laid back, with good food, good music, and a good time.  I only felt sad a few times when people asked where C. was.  And one fellow asked how it was going to feel when I woke up one morning and there was no place to go (i.e. to work).  I said that there was always some place to go. His was the only negative comment of the evening.

After the party, I watched the Lois Wilson Story.  I think that a lot of people watched that movie.  I am not a movie critic so I'm not going to comment on whether the acting was good, or whether the plot dragged.

I can only go by what I felt during the movie.  I  know that I had a visceral feeling of anxiety when I watched the scenes with Bill W. in a drunken stupor.  And to see how the people around Lois, seven of them were named at the start of the movie, were affected by alcoholism rang so true. I could identify with every angry outburst, every look of disgust,  every bit of chaos.  The trip over old territory for me was smoother because of being in Al-Anon, but still it had an old familiar affect, similar to PTSD. I think that I could view both Lois and Bill with a great deal of compassion and not the hot anger that I used to feel that was fueled by resentment towards the alcoholics in my life. 

I felt my heart tear a bit at the utter selfishness of the alcoholic though.  And at Lois's pitiful attempts to control something and someone that is uncontrollable.  Tears came to my eyes when I heard her recite the 12 steps and the group joined hands for the Serenity prayer. 

This reminded me of just how grateful I am for the grace of a loving God who worked through Lois and Bill to have them pave the way to show future generations how to get out of the insanity of alcoholism. They and the other early followers of AA and Al-Anon were the ones who had to endure much suffering to put the programs into action.  We simply have to follow the directions already laid down in the 12 steps, the books, and the traditions that they were divinely inspired to provide. Yet, many stubbornly refuse to see the way out of their misery.  I am glad that I understood and got the message.  It's powerful how God showed me all manner of love and tolerance this evening.   My misery is optional today.