I am tired today. I would have liked to sleep in as it's a rainy day. We sailed back through a beautiful thunderstorm last night. Fortunately, we got to the marina before there was no visibility. I think that I had a good night's sleep but simply feel "off". A sponsee had made an appointment to work on step four, but hasn't made an appearance so I guess this is a "no show". He did this last week as well. There is nothing that I can do except move on.
There is a chapter in the Big Book of AA that addresses working with those who drink, basically with the idea of practicing the Twelfth Step. From reading this chapter, I've thought about some of the co-dependence issues that face spouses and parents of the alcoholic or addict.
What the BB says is that we don't waste time trying to persuade people to stop their destructive behavior if they don't want to stop. This is where detachment with love is necessary. We have to practice our Step One in Al-Anon to realize that we are powerless and that no amount of pleading, manipulating, or insanity on our part can cure the person who is deciding to drink or take drugs.
What the BB instead says is that when the binge ends or a lucid interval occurs, a family member, sponsor or friend needs to ask the individual if they want to quit for good and if they would go to any lenght to do so. If the answer is yes, then the individual should talk to someone who has recovered and who is trying to help others, as part of their own recovery.
This seems like such good advice because it won't work if we force ourselves and our pleadings on another. It hasn't worked before or in as many times as we've tried it. If the individual who has the problem doesn't want to stop, then nothing we can say or do will make the individual stop. It seems that we all need to recall these things when there is a slip or we are dealing with people we love who can't seem to quit. They probably haven't gotten to the bottom yet or realized the seriousness of what they are doing.
Similarly, in Al-Anon, we have to be beaten down by the disease to such a point that we are ready to admit our powerlessness and to turn things over to our HP. If we are still thinking that we can "fix" things, then we aren't ready to make the changes necessary to take care of ourselves.
I know that someone has to want what I have to offer. It appears that this sponsee doesn't at the moment. I'm okay with that. Time to just chill out and let them find their own way.
Some people only want change if it isn't uncomfortable; my job is to let go with love, and be there if they want program help and support at a later date.
ReplyDeleteA thoughtful post, as so many of yours are; I always enjoy reading them.
Perfect for me to read this today. I keep getting pushed by family members to "do something" about my alcoholic husband. They say it's going to take an ultimatum from me to force him to get help. Maybe they're right. I don't know. I do know I'm not ready to stand behind an ultimatum. Close, but not ready yet. I also know no matter what I do, if he's not ready to get help it won't work. I'm working on taking care of me. Right now that seems to be the best I can do.
ReplyDeletesometimes you have to let it be that way, otherwise you will drive yourself crazy trying to drag them through only to find their healing is as half hearted as their efforts...
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. It has to be their decision. My husband had asked me many times to do something about my drinking but it wasn't until I felt ready that I went. I would have relapsed over and over if I had gone for him instead of myself. Recently at a meeting I noticed that a particular lady had been absent for a while. I spoke with someone who is close to her and they said she's out drinking again. This is her third relapse in six months. AA will be there when she wants to come back, I just hope this time she makes it back.
ReplyDeleteyes, it is hard to let people "whirl" as I have heard it said. I have also heard of people making amends to their loved ones for "getting in the way of where they needed to go in order to hit their bottom." Hard stuff, but as always, it works! Thank God!
ReplyDeleteAmen!
ReplyDeleteGood advice, as always, Syd. I had a phone call today from a fellow AA member asking me how he should advise a friend whose son just got picked up for DWI. Then he told me that his lawyer friend had already manipulated the case so that her son could get off with the least possible consequences. I was spitting angry at that and told him all he can do is tell her where the Al-Anon meetings are but that you could almost guarantee that her son has a long drunken career ahead of him if she doesn't butt out!!
ReplyDeleteAmen. (And I see that Jennifer already said that but it bears repeating.) Feel better.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post! I am always trying to fix others to suit where I think they should be. They have a higher power just like I do. This is where I learn to Trust and Let Go and Let God.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this thoughtful post. I see so much truth in it. When newcomers tell me they feel completely defeated and exhausted and at the end of their rope, I tell them I felt that way too, and today I see that as a blessing. Because it was only when I was completely beaten that was I willing to try a different way, and "go to any lengths."
ReplyDeleteYou already know that you are not alone in feeling off for no apparent reason. It happens.
ReplyDeletethis is tough for me because i fell it is me that is the sick one. here i am typing on my new mac in garden thumbs. great post though gotta clean my keyboard now
ReplyDeleteUntil I accepted Step I and admitted to myself I was powerless over alcohol and always would be powerless over alcohol, nobody could help me or stop me from continuing to drink.
ReplyDeleteBecause of my own experience, I don't waste time with those who are not ready to stop drinking and go to any lengths to stay sober.
My sponsor says I am not to work any harder than a sponsee does.
ReplyDeleteSounds reasonable to me, Syd.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious; Are you going to accept the bad behavior of your sponsee toward you and continue to sponsor them?
ReplyDeletei am a 37 adult child, alcoholic, 2 1/2 al-anon 2 weeks aa...(first)i was beat down with..."what the fuck is wrong with you?"...and many other inappropriate things that, as an undiscovered rage-oholic...my father directed the hurt towards me. (then in therapy i saw my powerlessness) the last time i was at his home, i left him a mini bb and told him, "dad, if you really want to understand ME, it's all in this book."
ReplyDelete